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Saturday November 28, 2009

A few good Senior Moments








A few good Senior Moments


An elderly gentleman... ...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says 'John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
John says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking..
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'



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Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:43 AM
1 Comments

Thursday November 12, 2009

Rabbi, Hindu and a lawyer

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:52 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday April 14, 2009

Lawyers and Blondes A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each


 
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to
each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked
her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to
pay him five dollars And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a
question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the
blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question,
"What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without
a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks
him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?"
The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50
dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a
word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars. .

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:13 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday April 28, 2009

Scottish Jokes

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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
.

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To which the librarian stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top
of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:55 AM
0 Comments

Saturday May 16, 2009

Why Learn English?

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound..
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse..
4) We must polish the Polish furniture..
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out..
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present..
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum..
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes..
10) I did not object to the object..
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid..
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row..
13) They were too close to the door to close it..
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present..
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line..
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail..
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests..
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?..

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:04 PM
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Wednesday November 11, 2009

To be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:58 PM
0 Comments