Jokes from ShashiBansal


About ShashiBansal

Hi

Skip Navigation Links.


Latest Jokes by ShashiBansal





Friday December 26, 2008

British Hospitality...


An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:57 PM
0 Comments

Friday December 26, 2008

TEXT HUMOUR: - ONE LINERS Part 2

Okay, everybody, let's review the rule of breath mints. When you are
politely offered one, politely take it.

I stopped taking my wife to get Chinese food when I found out that Won Ton
spelled backwards is "not now."

Q. What's so strange about drinking in Belfast?
A. You stay sober, but the bar gets bombed.

Want a taste of religion?
Bite a minister.

Jewish Telegram
START WORRYING. DETAILS TO FOLLOW. LOVE. MOTHER.

Q. What do you do with a man that thinks he's God's gift to women?
A. Exchange him.

The following are purported to be REAL answers to exam
questions at a Department of Transportation driving school
(read, Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).

Q How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way
stop at the same time?
A The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

I like to wait day before reading my horoscope. That way I can find out what
kind of day I had.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Be what you is `cause if you be what you ain't, you ain't what you be.

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he
could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

Q What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A Heavy psychedelic's.

Q What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A Carry loaded weapons.

Q What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and
a flashing yellow traffic light?
A The colour.

Q When driving through fog, what should you use?
A Your car

DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE !
-- God

Q What's so strange about drinking in Belfast?
A You stay sober, but the bar gets bombed.

I've always wanted to carry a box of water balloons in my car so I could
toss them out the sunroof to discourage tailgaters.

Bumper sticker Caution I drive like you"

It is better to have that which you do not need, than to need that
which you do not have.

How can you be over the hill, if you never got to the top?

Have you ever stopped to think and then forgotten to start again?

I have been happily married for four years - three different times.

THE TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMT is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the
house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story his, hers,
and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much petrol is left in the tank and how far that
petrol will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust
oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a lowcut dress and expect the man to
stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off
when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know
how to cook them

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is
Tracy...

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father in law how good
his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over
there.

Q How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" Unknown

"Some days you're the dog some days you're the hydrant." Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down." Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves." August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." Fran
Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money." Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets." Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." Dereke
Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!" Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:53 PM
0 Comments

Monday December 08, 2008

Newly weds



One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"

She replies"Oh I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"

She replies"Oh I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"

"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"

Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"

"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:04 PM
0 Comments

Monday December 08, 2008

Natural selection




Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers



Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:06 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday December 10, 2008

A Blonde in Church



An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:57 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday December 24, 2008

TEXT HUMOUR: - ONE LINERS



Q Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

I gave my cat a bath the other day... he love it. He sat there, he enjoyed
it. It was fun for me also. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than
that... Steve Martin

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualise world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.

Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music!

I graduated with a 4.0... Blood Alcohol level.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the
ax.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Fight crime. Shoot Back.

Judge Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant Nope. My lawyer took every last penny.

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? About 45 minutes.

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for
which you would not take money.

Lysdexia a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

Golf involves a ball, 3 inches around, sitting on another ball, 25,000 miles
around. The idea is to hit the little ball before hitting the big ball.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the
time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.

My neighbour has a treadmill - and a riding lawn mower.

My son asked if I smoked while I was pregnant with him, and I said only when
I was drinking.

You know you're getting old when all your favourite music is in the bargain
bin at Kmart and Myers.

Imagine what the world would sound like if the inventor if the telephone had
been Alexander Graham Siren.
Keep Honking. I'm reloading.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I love animals...they're delicious.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Lottery A tax on people who are bad at math.
I souport publik edekasion
Why do noses run and feet smell ?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor
unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the
world is this gun..."
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before
swinging, and once again, after swinging.

In 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap?

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

Seen on a bumper sticker I suffer from CHILDREN, a sexually transmitted
disease.

Grafitti on a condom dispensing machine "Don't buy this gum... It tastes
like rubber!"

"I have good news and bad news The good news is that you are not a
hypochondriac."

God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

Children in the dark cause accidents, Accidents in the dark cause children!

I have PMS & a gun, now what were you saying?

I might not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bedrockHumour
prevents Hardening of the Attitudes.

If the US misguided bombs on Kosovo are any example, we won't have a thing
to worry about when the Chinese use the US stolen missile technology.

Lucky for us movie goers that all aliens, on all planets, in all galaxies,
during all time periods, speak perfect English.

She has some many chins...
It looks like she's peeking over a stack of pancakes.

A policeman pulled a Polack over after he'd been driving the wrong way on a
one-way street.
Cop "Do you know where you were going?"
The Polack "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people
were leaving."

Q Did you hear about the Polish used car salesman?
A He got arrested for turning back the fuel gauges.

They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned if I
am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store.

We had a great neighbourhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed
her curtains.
He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...
battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumour that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him for
palomino-mony.
Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks "So how's the leather been
lately?"
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants -
it's called 'Arson'.
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor
licence.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say
for the three passengers he had in
his car at the time.
My friend is so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants his mail
forwarded.
..He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I know who
can describe Pamela Anderson and
Dolly Parton without using his hands!
I always keep a coat hanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my
keys in the car.
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

Okay, everybody, let's review

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:40 PM
0 Comments

Saturday October 04, 2008

Obedience

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should
have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never
talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad,
you get the toy."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:15 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday October 14, 2008

Lady Golfer

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.



It was their favorite moment of the week.



Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an

office in another city.



It was not quite the same without him.



A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.



One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room.



Curious, she spoke up ... 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.



Would you mind if I joined you next week?'



The three lawyers looked at each other.



They were hesitant.



Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.



Finally one man said it would be okay,

but they would be starting pretty early at 630 am.



He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.



The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.



They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.



She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 630 or 645.'



She showed up right at 630 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round.



She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.



The guys were impressed !!!



Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.



She smiled and said,



'Sure, I'll be here at 630 or 645.'



The next week she again showed up at 630 Saturday morning.



Only this time, she played left-handed.



The three lawyers were incredulous as she still

managed to beat them with an even par round

despite playing with her off-hand.



By now the guys were very amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.



They could not figure her out.



She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!



In the third week, they all had their game faces on.



However, this week she was 15 minutes late !!!



This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.



As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.



Finally, she showed up.



This week the lady lawyer played right-handed,

which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them.



However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her.



This woman was a riddle no one could figure out !!!



Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability.



They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.



Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.



He asked her directly,



'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or left-handed ???'



The lady blushed and grinned.



She said, 'That is easy.



When my dad taught me to play golf,

I learned I was ambidextrous.



I have always had fun switching back and forth.



Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.



From then on, I developed a silly habit.



Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.



If his schwantz was pointing to the right,

I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.



Astonished at this bizarre information,

one of the guys shot back ...



'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air ??? '



She said ...... 'Then I am fifteen minutes late.'

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:55 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday October 14, 2008

Pigeon and a stockbroker?.....

What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?.....


A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:10 AM
0 Comments

Thursday November 06, 2008

Dahej ki maang

Baap beta shadi k din susral walay agar
ghari dein tau suit maang lena.
Scooter dein tau car maang lena,
dookaan dien tau ghar maan lena

beta dady larki dein tau uski maa maang loon?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:18 AM
0 Comments

Thursday November 06, 2008

santa and naukar

santa ke bagiche me bahut podhey they.
santa ne naukar se bola, podho ko pani dal do.

Naukar bola "sahib barish ho rahi hai"

santa abe budhu chatri pakr ke dal

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:23 AM
0 Comments

Monday December 08, 2008

Voodoo


A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

The rest, as they say, is history.


Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:57 PM
0 Comments

Monday December 08, 2008

Record


A lady, who was an avid record collector, heard there was a new recording on the market so she dialed her local record store.
In her haste, she missed dialed the number and got a local bar.
Before the bartender could say the establishment's name, she blurted out "do you have hot lips and seven kisses?"
After a short pause the bartender replied "no, but I have hot balls and seven inches!"
She inquired, "is that a record?"
To which he replied, "no, but it's better than average!"


Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:58 PM
0 Comments

Monday December 08, 2008

Funeral



A world renowned cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted



Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:02 PM
0 Comments

Sunday June 15, 2008

Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:02 AM
0 Comments

Sunday June 15, 2008

New Sunburn Treatmernt

This sounds like a good procedure to
relieve the pain.

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several
hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister,
and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous
intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill
every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything
for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets
off his legs.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:03 AM
0 Comments

Sunday July 13, 2008

Sex

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy.

The note read

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy.

Her note read

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen.

His note read

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs.

Her note read

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:57 PM
0 Comments

Saturday July 26, 2008

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:37 PM
0 Comments

Thursday August 28, 2008

Signs Seen.....

# Sign on a railway station at Dadar
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

# Seen on a bulletin board
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay
we need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....

# THE BEST ONE
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."
- Indian Armed Forces -

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:35 PM
0 Comments

Thursday August 28, 2008

Knob

Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:38 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 01, 2008

Elderly Moments



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.


One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me...I know we've been
friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought
and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."


Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:01 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 01, 2008

Sofa


A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the
perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel
the
fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now.


As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
leather sofa?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just
touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:03 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 01, 2008

Gynecolist Appointment



One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and
I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:04 PM
0 Comments

Saturday September 06, 2008

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she re plies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slid
e up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?'
The eagle answered 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. They're pa cked with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is you friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:45 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2008

Fireworks or Patakhe

Child Mom is bar hum sare patakhe is shop se lenge.

Mom lekin beta ye to girls hostel hai.

Child Papa to kehte hain k sari phul-jhariyan yahi rehti hain...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:00 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2008

Japani Language

One day in a language school in Australia.
Teacher "All right, now I`d like you to make a sentence using the words GREEN, PINK and YELLOW. Who`d like to try?"
A student raised his hand. It was Kukoya from Japan.
Kukoya "Early this morning, I looked out the window, I saw the GREEN grass and PINK roses in the garden. I went outside and I feel the warm YELLOW sunlight around me."
Teacher "Not bad. Okay, who`s next?"
Another student raised his hand. It was Weng from Singapore.
Weng "I try! I try. Can aaah?"
Teacher "No, no, not you"
Weng "Aaaiiyaaa... let me try lah... I can do lah... you think I`m stupid meeeh..?"
Teacher "Okay.. go ahead"
Weng "This morning I heard the phone GREEEEEN...GREEEEEN... I PINK it up and I said YELLOOOOW?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:04 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2008

Hunting with Umbrella



80 Years old Man My Young Wife is pregnant . Any Advice?

Doctor Phelay eik story suno, 1 shikari ko shikar pay
janay ki jaldi thi, wo GUN ki jaghan ghalti say Chatri lay gaya,
usnay jungle main eik sher dekha, jaldi se chatri ka handle khaincha or fire kiya, sher gira or mar gaya

Old Man Namumkin! kisi or nay fire kiya hoga

Doctor "EXACTLY"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:07 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2008

Gay

2 pathan lar rahe hote hein...

1st pathan Khocha mein tere kapre paar ke tujhe nanga kar doonga..

2nd pathan Khocha itni serious larai mein itni romantic baat mat karo...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:09 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2008

Diwali Firewoks Shop

Child Mom is bar hum sare patakhe is shop se lenge.

Mom lekin beta ye to girls hostel hai.

Child Papa to kehte hain k sari phul-jhariyan yahi rehti hain...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:17 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 19, 2008

Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ...

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:09 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday January 01, 2008

Burgler

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 238! "
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in,he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:20 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday February 06, 2008

More Blonde Jokes

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:24 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 23, 2008

"The New Patient"

"The New Patient"

Moshe, an elderly Jewish man, has just moved
to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides
that he needs to see a doctor.

In the waiting room at the physician's office, he
tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks
the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a
specialist.

The man replies that the doctor specializes in
everything.

Moshe thinks about this and looks nervous. He
then asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.

The man says, "Well, he is and he isn't. You see,
he charges you one thousand dollars for your first
visit."

Moshe looks even more worried now and exclaims
in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that
for the rest of your life are free!"

Moshe thinks about this, and then gets called by
the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,
"Hello doctor, here I am again!"

The doctor does a quick exam and says, "Moshe,
you're recovering quite well. Just continue all the
instructions I gave you at the last visit and you'll
be completely over this illness in no time."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:18 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 23, 2008

"A Special Prayer"

"A Special Prayer"

By Michael Jordan Segal

My father is the most unselfish person I know -
always thinking of others first before himself.
Perhaps that is why he chose to be a Rabbi,
to serve Gbirthdayhelping other people.

Every Christmas, my father, Rabbi Jack Segal,
volunteers at a hospital in Houston so Christian
employees can spend Christmas with their loved
ones. One specific Christmas he was working
the telephone switchboard at the hospital,
answering basic questions and transferring phone
calls. One of the calls he received was from a
woman, obviously upset.

"Sir, I understand my nephew was in a terrible
car accident this morning. Please tell me how he is."

After the woman gave my father the boy's name, he
checked the computer and said, according to protocol
at that time, "Your nephew is listed in critical condition.
I'm truly sorry. I hope he'll get better." As soon as my
father said 'critical' the woman immediately began to
sob and she screamed, "Oh, my Gbirthdayat should
I do? What should I do?"

Hearing those words, my father softly stated, "Prayer
might be helpful at this time."

The woman quickly replied, "Yes - oh, yes. But it's been
ten years since I've been to a church and I've forgotten
how to pray," then asked, "Sir, do you know how to pray?
Could you say a prayer for me while I listen on the phone?

My father quickly answered, "Of course." and began
saying the ancient prayer for healing in Hebrew, the
Mee Shebayroch. He concluded, "Amen."

"Thank you, thank you so much," the woman on the
phone replied. "However," she went on, I truly
appreciate your prayer but, I have one major problem.
I did not understand the prayer, since I do not speak
Spanish."

My Rabbi father inwardly chuckled and said, "Ma'am,
that was not Spanish. I'm a Rabbi and that prayer
was in Hebrew."

The woman sighed heavily in relief. "Hebrew?
That's great. That's Gbirthdayanguage. Now He
won't need a translator!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:20 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 23, 2008

"Still Mourning"

"Still Mourning"

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and
still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning
as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly
is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one
another and after dating for six weeks he asks
her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their
first night there she undresses as he does. There
she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy
panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he
asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body
is yours to explore, but down there I am still in
mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The
following night the same scenario. She standing
there with the black panties on and he in his
birthday suit, except that he has an erection on
which he has a black c*ndom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...
a black c*ndom?"

He replies, "I'm going to pay a shiva call!" ***


*** to offer my condolences

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:22 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 23, 2008

"Jewish Truths For Humor-minded Adults"

"Jewish Truths For Humor-minded Adults"
Part I

Q What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois
A Two headaches and an erection

Q Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A He didn't have to hear about all the men she
could have married,and she didn't have to hear
about the way his mother cooked.

Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the postman.

Q What business is a yenta in?
A Yours.

Q What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A A wife who does her hair and sleeps with
her husband on the same day.

Q How do Jewish wives get their children
ready for supper?
A They put them in the car.

Q What does a Jewish husband call a water
bed?
A The Dead Sea

Q Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A Netanyahoo

Q What's the name of the face lotion made
especially for Jewish women?
A Oil of Oy Vay

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:23 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 23, 2008

"Jewish Truths For Humor-minded Adults" Part II



Q What's the title of a horror film for Jewish
women?
A Debby Does The Dusting

Q What is the technical term for a divorced
Jewish woman?
A Plaintiff

Q In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become
human?
A When it wins a place in medical school

Q What do you call someone who enjoys work
and refuses to retire?
A A meshuggener

Q What does a Jewish woman do to keep her
hands soft and her nails long
A Nothing at all

Q Define "genius"
A An average student with a Jewish mother

Q Why did the mohel retire?
A He just couldn't cut it anymore

Q If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what
would Cheetah be?
A A fur coat

Q What do you call the nipple on a Jewish
wife's breast?
A The tip of the iceberg

Q What mechanical device causes the most
arousal in a Jewish woman?
A A Mercedes Benz 500S convertible

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:25 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 23, 2008

"Help for the Rabbi"



This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on
Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he
will not renew his contract. He explains that he must
move on to a larger congregation that will pay him
more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus
dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims "If the
Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every
year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport
their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor,
stands and says "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll
personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his children!!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces
with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks
her "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to
say such a thing?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to
hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his
hand and shaking his head from side to side
while his wife replies

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said,

"Screw the Rabbi!'"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:26 AM
0 Comments

Sunday June 15, 2008

Women have teeth down there...

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HECK NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:59 AM
0 Comments