Jokes from ShashiBansal


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Tuesday December 19, 2006

The miracle spray

The miracle spray
Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray put on a little and you can go all night!"

Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him spend himself quicker than ever.

The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:41 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday December 19, 2006

Consent(VERY ADULT)

Consent
One summer a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires.

He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way.

She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady.

Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said, "Non! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!"

"Sir," the judge said, "in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "Cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent on my fingers, cuntscent on my mustache, hi got her cuntscent everywhere!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:33 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday December 19, 2006

Supplies

Supplies
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies, he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah," said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:56 AM
0 Comments

Sunday December 17, 2006

One For Merry Christmas To You All


As the Christmas season draws high, foretelling the
End of over a full month of Commercial Christmas,
There is a special urgency in the spirits
Of children as they visit toy stores and toy
Departments all over the country. It was with
Particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged
His mother to the toy department in a big department
Store.

Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of
Children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert
Was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a
Moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and
Began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse.

His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick,
Frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let
Him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was
Time to get off. Wilbert ignored her.

She began to beg Wilbert paid no attention.
She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc.,
If only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He
Stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this
Little family drama out of the corner of his eye,
Stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother,
"Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."

"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're
Welcome to try."

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into
Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large,
He quickly slid off the horse and took his
mother's hand.

Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As
They drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa
Had whispered to him.

Wilbert was silent.

Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate
Cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's
Words were.

Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.
What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined
To find out. She had never been able to get the
Kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a
Great deal of effort on her part to discover what
Magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much
Cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded.
What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered "He said, 'Listen, you little son
Of a bitch,if you don't climb your ass the hell down
Off that horse right this second, I'm going to kick the
Living shit out of you!'

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:12 PM
0 Comments

Sunday December 17, 2006

A Tasty Apple

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should
Cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples
Are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly
Apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable I taste the
Peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a
Sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but
They're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,
These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and
A rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got
Some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy
Apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,
"YUCK, these taste like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:08 PM
0 Comments

Sunday December 17, 2006

Great American Pastimes

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a
Survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples'
Favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out
His project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name
?" asked the student "John", replied the man.

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
Favourite pastime ?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came
To the next door, when he asked again. "Sir, what is your name?"

"Jeff !", said the second man.

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath,! " was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the
Building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the
Bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several
Row houses to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the
Door. Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:05 PM
0 Comments

Sunday December 17, 2006

Name calling

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. Later, after he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:44 PM
0 Comments

Sunday December 17, 2006

Deaf and Mute Talk

A young fella is brought home to meet the folks.
His girl greets him at the door and says,
"I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in
And I'll introduce you to my folks.
And I, uhh, forgot tell you, they're both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room,
Introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable
As both of the parents are completely silent.
Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV,
And Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of
Complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up
Her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass
Of water over her ass.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room,
Bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind.
He then sits back down in his chair and balances
A match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young
Man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes,
The daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely
Distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter?
Have I done something wrong?"

"No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest
Thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a
Bit shocked.

"Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt,
Pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.

"Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair,
Leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back
Down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains.













"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?'
And Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:37 PM
0 Comments

Thursday December 07, 2006

PURINA DIET

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I
was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified,
she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why
I ended up in the hospital.












I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:11 AM
0 Comments

Thursday December 07, 2006

Advantages of Alzheimer


Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their Wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says "You mean I Was here already?"

The moral of the story Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:08 AM
0 Comments

Sunday December 03, 2006

Top 17 Country Songs

Top 17 Country Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One Country Song ---

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:45 PM
0 Comments

Sunday December 03, 2006

Ugly Women

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? . . . . . . Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter . "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 PM
0 Comments

Thursday November 16, 2006

Divorce Settlement...Indian Style

There was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy of 5-6 years old. Their relationship was turning sour.

So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than carry on such a relationship.

So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the kid. In the hearing in the court. It was decided that this choice should be left on the kid.

So the judge asked “Son, would you like to stay with your mummy?”

Kid said,”No, mummy beats me” sad <img src=">

So the judge asked “Then, would you like to stay with your papa then ?”

Kid said, “No, papa beats me” sad <img src=">

Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do… after pondering for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child……

And he gave the judgment that……
.
.
.
.














.
.
.
.
.




The kid would stay with the Indian Cricket Team because they

NEVER BEAT ANY BODY!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:07 PM
0 Comments

Monday November 06, 2006

Thumbs up for Women..........

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy......

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And... Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:46 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday October 31, 2006

BUMP BUMP BUMP

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears!
BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding his head is reeling his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)











The coffin stops

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:26 PM
1 Comments

Tuesday October 31, 2006

Rules For Men


1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:20 PM
0 Comments

Sunday October 29, 2006

Blond Pilot

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked her what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold ...

And I can't seem to remember anything that happened after I turned off that big fan."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:59 PM
0 Comments

Sunday October 29, 2006

Benfit of being deaf

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
Fuck or drown."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:55 PM
0 Comments

Sunday October 29, 2006

I don't want to be man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:51 PM
0 Comments

Sunday October 29, 2006

You got some thing smaller than that...........

On a dark and rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"W-w-where to?" he stammered.
"Garden Street," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are
you lookin' at?"
"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat head rests, smiled at the driver, and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie raised an eyebrow and asked, "Ya' got anything smaller?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:48 PM
0 Comments

Sunday October 29, 2006

Hijacker

A airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled
pilot, co-pilot, navigator and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or
I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy,
if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die
along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head
and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all
over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,
"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the
shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag
much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will
still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of
us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to
the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered
something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun,
and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the
hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and
tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man
so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd
be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 3:45 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday October 18, 2006

E i Arithmatic

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"said father

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"said father

"That's exactly what I said!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:45 AM
0 Comments

Friday April 07, 2006

Bridal Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist "Of course we do."

Jacob "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist "All kinds."

Jacob "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist "Definitely."

Jacob "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist "Of course."

Jacob "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist "Absolutely."

Jacob "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:02 AM
0 Comments

Sunday April 09, 2006

The Story Of 'One..stone'

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????


scroll down ...









OH, come on...take a guess! .  










Think about it  






(You're going to love this!)    







And the moral is...    


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:47 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday April 12, 2006

Who introduced sex to women?????

A Greek and an Italian met one sunny afternoon in Greece and shared a glass of wine. The Greek couldn't help bragging about his rich cultural heritage. "We Greeks built the Parthenon," he said proudly.
   The Italian answered, "We Italians built the Coliseum and the Sistine
Chapel."
   The Greek, unfazed, said, "We Greeks gave the world Socrates and Plato."
   The Italian said, "We Italians gave the world Michelangelo, DaVinci and Galileo."
   Somewhat frustrated, the Greek said, "Yes, but we Greeks gave the world sex."
   To which the Italian calmly replied, "True, but we Italians introduced it to women."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:55 AM
0 Comments

Thursday April 13, 2006

Pedro... in 2006

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the  son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
 
 The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who  said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
 
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
 
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
 
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
 
Again, no response except from Pedro "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.! "
 
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do!"
 
She heard a loud whisper "Screw the Mexicans!"
 
"Who said that?" she demanded.
 
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
 
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
 
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
 
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
 
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
 
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
 
 Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
 
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra  Levy, 2001."
 

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
 
Pedro whispered, ! "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
 
 Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone! shouted "Duck"!
 
 Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
 
 Pedro Dick Cheney 2006!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:27 AM
0 Comments

Thursday April 13, 2006

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish......................................... 49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure......................On medication

 

 

Feminist.......................................Fat

Free spirit....................................Junkie

Fun.........................................Annoying

New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Professional...................................Bitch

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:33 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday April 18, 2006

Ladies....Black Pepper Any One???

A man and a woman are riding next to each other on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure of what he saw and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"  The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:39 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday April 18, 2006

Big Hearted Husband

A wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, your faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!" The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest." "Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!" The husband begins to tell his story . . . While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas (chilli sauce) that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight the poor thing practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty, I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the sweater that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair. The husband continues his story . . . . The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:42 AM
0 Comments

Thursday April 27, 2006

"Can you smell it?"

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room.
Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc.,
and says to the salesman
 
"Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche. "I'll pay cash!"
and starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets
to the right price.
 
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
 
She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back...it smells
awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.
 
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books)
the manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not
driving it properly'.
 
He gets in and she roars out of the dealer- ship, drops it into second
gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph
does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to
accelerate.
 
At 120 mph she shifts into 4th gear at 145 mph she goes into 5th gear.
The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it reaches
170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in
the seat.
 
In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a train crossing are
beginning to come down and she will have to slow down. Instead the
pitch of the engine increases!
 
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car comes
to a screeching halt mere inches from the barrier.
 
"Can you smell it?" she says.
 
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:41 AM
0 Comments

Thursday April 27, 2006

Orgsam's Side Effect

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
 
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked
the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're
having an orgasm?"
 
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:29 PM
0 Comments

Friday April 28, 2006

Cool Dad

Cool Dad

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."

The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."

Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.

Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"


Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:14 AM
0 Comments

Friday May 05, 2006

Little things to know.....

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it would be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:42 AM
1 Comments

Saturday May 13, 2006

Thought For Today

Pfizer Corp.  announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will  be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It  will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself
a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives
old-fashioned "stiff  drink". Pepsi will market the new con coction by the
name of MOUNT &  DO.

Thought for the day There is more money being spent on breast  implants
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by  2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge  erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with  them.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:44 PM
0 Comments

Saturday May 13, 2006

LUST VS MARRIAGE

LUST VS MARRIAGE
 
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
 
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
 
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
 
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
 
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE -
When ... uh ... what's a climax?
 
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.
 
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
 
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST-When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.
 
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake, with any luck...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:03 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday May 17, 2006

I wanna get weighed

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple
went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked
Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The
couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured
she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd
it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:38 PM
0 Comments

Monday May 22, 2006

Just Below Your Breast is your heart, Ladies!!!!!!!!!

Old Lady Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband

Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast Why do you ask?" Mildred hung-up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:41 PM
0 Comments

Thursday May 25, 2006

TEN things to say when caught sleeping @ your desk!

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory
toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk........

1. Raise your head slowly and say,

"...in Jesus name, Amen."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:23 PM
0 Comments

Thursday May 25, 2006

The Clever Italian Mathematician




An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:27 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday June 06, 2006

Typical Sardar

santa was driving with girlfriend to Chandigarh.
He puts his hand on her lap. She smiles and says, "You
can go further dear".
So, santa drives to SHIMLA

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:31 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday June 06, 2006

Chemistry Class


Chemistry ke teacher ne Ek ladki ko poocha...
Teacher What are nitrates?
Ladki Ladki ne Sharmate hue jawab diya "Rs.15000/- plus
hotel room bill

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:33 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday June 13, 2006

Wisdom

Wisdom
Seriousness is the very next step to being dull.
Sex is not an answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer
Simple rule If you don't treat me right, screw you.
Smile and everyone wonders what you've been up to.
Some men are discovered, others are found out.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Stupidity is not considered a handicap, park elsewhere.
Superior firepower is invaluable when negotiations start.
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
The best way to keep your word is not to give it.
The first myth of management is that management exists.
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
The greatest cunning is to have none at all.
The greatest headaches are those we cause ourselves.
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
The incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is.
The law of intelligent tinkering save all the parts.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
The meek should learn lessons from cats.
The mind grows by what it feeds upon.
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
The old make the rules, the young make up the exceptions.
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
The only road to success is always under construction.
The only way to judge the future is by knowing the past.
The shortest answer is doing.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
The universe is a figment of it's own imagination.
The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
Those on the cutting edge bleed a lot.
To be a human without passion is to be dead.
Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.
Tourists The only foreigners the French ever drove out.
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
We make our own misfortunes and call them our fate.
We may be lost, but we're sure making good time.
Wedding A funeral where you smell your own flowers.
What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What is learned in youth is understood in age.
What's in a name, anyway? Everything and nothing.
Whatever advice you give, be brief....or be silent.
When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.
When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.
Wise men in love act the fool...and fools in love act the fool.
Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.
Without love and trust all you can be in life is alone.
Women do come with instructions, ask them!
Words and ideas are what change our world.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
You can't jump a canyon in two leaps.
You disagree? May I plead guilty by reason of sanity?
You got to start somewhere if you're going end elsewhere.
You live and you learn - or you don't live a life.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:00 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday June 21, 2006

Kids on Sea Life:

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in cavesunder the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an island . If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the tradewinds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:00 PM
0 Comments

Friday June 23, 2006

Personal Note

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. What  
The defendant said before the alleged assault.
 
Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked
If she could write out the answer. After reading the note,
The judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and
Pass it among the rest of the jurors.  
 
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror  
Sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read,
"I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."  
 
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
 
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" Ordered the judge.  
 
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal." 

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:37 AM
0 Comments

Friday June 23, 2006

Cheating Husband!!!!!

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O?clock in the morning,
A resounding noise came form outside...
 
The woman, sort of bewildered,
Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man
Shit!, that must be my husband!
 
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man,
Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush,
Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
 
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman
 I'm your husband, you slut!!!
 
So the woman answers- Oh, yeah?!!
And why were you  running?!! You son of a bitch!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:38 AM
0 Comments

Friday June 30, 2006

Mistaken Identity

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed to his
request. A short time later, two Military Police (MP's) came running along and
asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied,  "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
"I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she could fully understand his fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but
you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:47 AM
0 Comments

Monday July 03, 2006

Scrooge Scotts

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a
Low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over
The loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
 
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot
Time for a wee kiss."
 
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
Lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two
Turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
 
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
 
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot
Time for a wee cuddle."
 
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
Him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then
The two turned once again to gaze out over the
Loch.
 
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for
Your thoughts, Angus."
 
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time
You let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
 
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it
On her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two
Turned once again to gaze out over the loch
Before the girl spoke again.
 
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
 
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
More serious this time."
 
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
Anticipation.
 
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
 
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
And bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
Request.
 
And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye
Paid me the first three pennies?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:30 AM
1 Comments

Wednesday July 05, 2006

BirthDay Surprise

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:46 AM
0 Comments

Thursday July 13, 2006

World's Safest Vehicle

In an Automobile Engineering Degree Final Exam it was asked

‘ Design a best, ideal vehicle of the world.’

On the answer sheet a guy drew a sketch of a Woman and captioned

“THE SAFEST, MOST AUTO-LOGICAL, USER FRIENDLY VEHICLE OF THE WORLD.”

The perplexed examiner sends the boy a note asking him to justify his answer.
The boy explains in this way

-It is SAFEST Because it has 4 bumpers- 2 in front & 2 at the back.

-It is AUTO-LOGICAL Because (a) It is SELF LUBRICANT when HOT. (b) It auto changes its -ENGINE OIL every month.
-It is USER FRIENDLY Because Every PISTON fits .!!!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:19 AM
0 Comments

Sunday July 16, 2006

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
 
A little boy and a little girl attended
The same school and became friends.
 
Every day they would sit together to eat
Their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day!This went
On all through the fourth and fifth grades,
Until one day he noticed that her sandwich
Wasn't a chicken sandwich.
 
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken,
Don't you like it anymore?"
 
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
 
"Why?" he asked.
 
She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
 
"Let me see" he said.
 
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
 
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!
 
Better not eat any more chicken."
 
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until
One day he brought peanut butter. 
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop
Eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting
To get feathers down there too!
 
She asked if she could look,
So he pulled down his pants for her.
 
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! 
You've already got the neck and the gizzards(Stomach)!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:23 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday July 18, 2006

"Blessing a Car"

A priest and a rabbi operated a church
and a synagogue across the street from
each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together
to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home
and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out
and saw the priest sprinkling water on
their new car. It didn't need a wash, so
he hurried out and asked the priest what
he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then
went back inside the synagogue. He
reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw,
walked over to the back of the car and cut off
two inches of the tailpipe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









And made it Jewish Car.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:15 PM
0 Comments

Friday July 21, 2006

Bush on Stem Cell

President Bush used his first veto to federal funding for the embryonic stem cell research.

However at G8 meeting reporters microphones picked up his off the record comment "Stem cells can be dangerous if people used them while driving the car"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:57 PM
0 Comments

Friday July 21, 2006

Match Making

A matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband  for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample." 

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing?"

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal, a sample."

She  thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him references."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:31 PM
0 Comments

Friday July 21, 2006

How Hand Golves Are Made

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to Tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
 
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
 
She said, "No."
 
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up With a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to Hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in,
And then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right Onto their hands!

Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the Big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
 
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her Teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and Exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:33 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday August 02, 2006

Marriage is......

Marriage Is...

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine."

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A son asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A toast to the newlyweds May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet it cuts off your circulation.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind aisle, altar, hymn. I'll alter him!]

Bachelor A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Honeymoon A short period of doting between dating and debting.

I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

In marriage, the bride gets a shower but for the groom, it's curtains!

It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job he still ends up with the same boss.

It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

Man Rules the roost. Woman Rules the rooster.

Marriage is a great institution but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a three ring circus engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

Mistress Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

The three stages of sex in marriage tri-weekly try-weekly try-weakly

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love after marriage it is self-defense.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or the wife.

Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.

Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough of worse let's try better for a while!"

Some suggested one....

I think every man should marry, I hate to see a man happy.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:26 AM
0 Comments

Monday August 14, 2006

It's Dark In Here..................

This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see
what took place in their room when the doors were locked. As he peeked
thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend
going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife wisks her
boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in. After
several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."
Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more
minutes the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How
much?" In reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes
pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for
$50 as well. The man reluctantly agrees. After the father departs, the
woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue
she sends him on his way. The next morning at the breakfast table the
little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother
asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say."
The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to
get in the car. The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get
into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When
the priest slid the door over, the boy said "Boy it's dark in here."
To which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again...!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:30 AM
1 Comments

Monday August 21, 2006

Noble Priest

A young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland.
She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks
"Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?”
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"Here's the dilemma I purchased for myself, a
superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid
a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"
"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I
really am not ever able to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they
will never ask any questions of you," and with that she
hand him the hair remover.
After landing they proceed through Customs and it
becomes the father's turn in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the
Custom's officer. "From the top of my head to my waist
I have nothing to declare my son." Finding this answer
a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask,
"And from the waist to the floor, what do you have
to declare?" The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."
Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father."__.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:53 PM
1 Comments

Friday August 25, 2006

Houdini.....His Secret Exposed

A truck driver was driving along when he notices this female hitchhicker
so he slams on the brakes and picks her up. They go through the
pleasantries of meeting one another and then the truck driver asks if
she would give up a little something for the ride. She says, "Okay, but
what are we going to name the baby?" This scares the trucker so he lets
her off and goes on his way.
A few days later he sees another female hitchhicker and picks her up
also. He gets to know her and again he asks if she would give up a
little something for the ride. She says, " Okay, but what are we going
to name the baby?" He thinks for a little while and then says, "Will
think of something when we are done."
They have sex a couple of times and then sit back to enjoy a cigarette
when the girl asks, "So what are we going to name the baby?" He says,
"Oh! Thanks for reminding me!" He reaches down and removes a condom,
ties a knot in it, and throws it out of the window. He looks over at her
and says, " If it gets out of that we'll name it Houdini!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:27 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 01, 2006

Why Muslim Terrorists Are So Quick To Commit Suicide!!!!!

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. .



No Jesus



No Christmas



No television



No cheerleaders



No baseball



No football



No hockey



No golf



No tailgate parties



No Wal-Mart



No Home Depot



No pork BBQ



No hot dogs



No burgers



No chocolate chip cookies



No lobster



No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks



No gumbo



No jambalaya



No Beer



Rags for clothes and towels for hats.



Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.



Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.



More than one wife.



You can't shave.



Your wives can't shave



You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.



The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.



Your bride is picked by someone else.



She smells just like your donkey.



But your donkey has a better disposition.



Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!



I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:23 AM
0 Comments

Saturday September 02, 2006

"Texas Talk"

"Texas Talk"

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I
own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle
and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I
own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle
and they call my place Big John's Rancho."

They both look down at the Jewish man who
says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres?
What do you raise?"

"Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:39 AM
0 Comments

Saturday September 02, 2006

"New Butler"



A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars
in the lottery. They immediately went out to
begin a life of luxury. They bought a
magnificent mansion estate and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth
imaginable. They then decided to have
a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled
to London to hire one.

They found the perfect butler through an
agency and brought him back to the United
States to their home. The day after his arrival,
they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens
to brunch. The couple then left the house to
o some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set
for eight. They asked the butler why eight,
when they specifically instructed him to set
the table for four.

The butler stiffly replied, "The Cohens
telephoned and said they were bringing
the Bagels and the Lox."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:41 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 14, 2006

Holy Mother.. Here We go Again...... Jeeesus Christ

A Jewish man and his ever- nagging shrewish wife had been married
fiftyone years ...
To celebrate their having broken the half century mark, their children sent them on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.
While the couple was there, the wife suddenly passed away and the coroner and an ambulance chasing undertaker were soon on the scene ...
While the coroner documented the incident, the undertaker took the man aside and told him, "You know, you can have your wife shipped home for her eternal rest at a cost of around $ 1,500 ... or, you could have her buried here, and I will arrange it for about $ 125 ..."
The man stood thoughtfully there in the midday sun for a time, and finally turned to the undertaker and said, "Well, I think I'll go ahead and ship her home."
"Now, why in the world would you want to spend all that money,"asked the oppertunistic undertaker, "When I can offer you the same service, right here, tomorrow, and so inexpensively ?!"
"It's like this, you see", replied the elderly gentleman ... "A long, long time ago, there was a man who died here ... and he was buried here ... then three days later he rose from the dead ....... I just can't take that chance." 

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:04 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 27, 2006

A Hard Working Husband

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:46 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 27, 2006

A Bag Of Fruits

Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a
piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered
"An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and
brownish.

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and
calls on Billy.

Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your
thinking.

Here's another it's long, yello, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

"Hey, I've got one for you teacher let me put my hand in
my pocket.

Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it's got a head on
it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:59 AM
0 Comments

Friday October 06, 2006

Apply for a job for Federal Job in United States


A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"
  "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
  The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
  The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
  The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 800 A.M. to 400 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
1000A.M."
  The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 800 A.M. to 400 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 1000 A.M.?"
  "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."
 

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:35 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday October 11, 2006

Holy Soap


Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells . . . "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:10 PM
0 Comments

Monday January 02, 2006

Wedding Anniversary

A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary.

The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?"

He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:23 AM
0 Comments

Monday January 02, 2006

Coincidence


Teacher"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher How old is ur father.
SunnyAs old as I am.
TeacherHow is it possible?
SunnyHe became father only after I was born.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:25 AM
0 Comments

Friday January 06, 2006

Women? We love you $&(()(^&$%^

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:24 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday January 10, 2006

Ghor Kalyug



Beech raste mein ek kutta aur ek kutti chipke huye they.

Baap aur beta wahan se gujrate hain.

Papa,"woh do kutte kya kar rahe hain?" bete ne baap se poochha.

Baap sharmaya. Woh bola,"Aage wala kutta, peechhewale kutte ko sahara de raha hai.

Sun kar beta bola,"Ghor kalyug aa gaya hai. Jise sahara do wohi apni Gaand marta hai !!!!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:00 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday January 11, 2006

My Resume



My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumber jack, but I
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that
was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced
it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't
have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried, but I just
didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that
I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too
draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said
I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I
finally got a job as a historian, until I realized
there was no future in it.

I could have been a Violinist, but I'm too
high-strung

A Bowler, but it's not up my alley,

A Magician, but the urge vanished,

A Librarian, but I shelved the idea,

A Plumber, but it was only a pipe-dream

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:39 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday January 11, 2006

Pay up or Granny will lob it off

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a
hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20
bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each
time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy
through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:59 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday January 17, 2006

"Lipstick"


"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on
your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.

"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly
remember taking my shirt off."



Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:49 AM
0 Comments

Thursday January 19, 2006

"Pregnant"



A lovely young Jewish girl was employed
by a clothing firm in New York.

One day she returned from work, eyes red
from crying. As soon as she entered the
apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant!
Don't get excited. The father is my boss."

She began to sob uncontrollably while her
mother tried to console her. The next morning,
the mother charged into the office of the boss.
"YOU," she shouted, "What's its going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and
unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his
hand "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm
making all the arrangements. Your daughter
Sherry will have the best doctor money can
buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the
best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging
for a trust fund for her and the baby where
she will receive a check for twenty five hundred
dollars a week for life."

The mother was taken aback and thought for
a moment. "Tell me," she said, "Heaven
forbid, Sherry should have a miscarriage,
will you give her another chance?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:12 PM
0 Comments

Thursday January 26, 2006

"World War Three"

At the Russian War College, the guest lecturer, a general, is telling the class of officers that the
session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class asks, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be china."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the General , "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key.

For example, in the Middle East, 4 million Jews fight
against 150 million Arabs, and the Jews have been
the winners every time."

"But sir," ask the panicky officers, "Do we have
enough Jews?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:16 AM
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Thursday January 26, 2006

"Gold Teeth"

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his
native land of Germany. He sold all his assets
and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of
solid gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official
was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5
sets of gold teeth.

So Moisha explained "We Orthodox Jews have
two separate sets of dishes for meat products
and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious
I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said,
"Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What
about the other three?"

Moisha then said, "Well, us very religious Orthodox
Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am
so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat
and one for dairy food.

The customs official slapped his head and then
said, "You must be a very religious man with
separate teeth for food and dairy products and
likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets
of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a
ham sandwich."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:17 AM
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Sunday February 05, 2006

"Pistol "


The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with
the phrase pistol too. Timmy raised his hand, and after
being recognized said, "The lone Ranger tamed the wild
west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too."
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on
said, "Down at our house we make home-brew, drink till
twelve, and piss till two."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:47 AM
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Sunday February 05, 2006

Ass from his elbow

A general practioner and a nurse were on the train,
going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man
furiously scratching his elbow. "I wonder what's the
matter with him?" said the nurse.
"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "And, in
confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from
hemorrhoids."
"Well, why is he scratching there then?"
"Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass from
his elbow."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:01 AM
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Monday February 20, 2006

Types of computer viruses


Adam and Eve virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus Promises to give equal time to all processes 50% to poor, slow processes 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus Just Does It!
Ollie North virus Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C.
Paul Tsongas virus Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:23 AM
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Friday February 24, 2006

"Navy Retirement"


The Navy found they had too many officers
and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one, a non-commissioned officer, was grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied . . . . . "Vietnam."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:27 AM
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Friday February 24, 2006

Benefits of Confession

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father

for I have sinned".....

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor" said the Priest. "I had sex

with a girl"

"Who was it Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive

me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No Father, please forgive me

for my sin."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, I cannot tell

you, please forgive me."

"Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?" "No Father, I cannot

tell you who it was." "Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4

Our Fathers and you will be forgiven."

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was

waiting... "What did you get?" asked Joseph. "Well, I got 5

Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:32 AM
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Saturday February 25, 2006

Benefits of Vigra...in old age

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't  pee on my shoes...."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 AM
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Saturday February 25, 2006

"Irish Daughter"


An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her "Where have
you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?

Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know
what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom
this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed
mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5
million Euros. For my little brother, this gold Rolex,
and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited
edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Her Father says, "Now what was it you said you had
become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ...

Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl!
I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and
give your old man a hug!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:53 AM
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Saturday February 25, 2006

CLINTON


CLINTON

Some sex acts ARE NOT sexual relations
You're not smoking marijuana UNLESS you inhale.
Lying about adultery isn't REALLY lying So, without any further ado, here is OUR list of the Top Ten things Bill Clinton believes...

Bill Clinton says...
#1 I believe...Safe-Sex is when Hillary is on vacation
#2 I believe...I'm making my legacy -- every chance I get!
#3 I believe...that's OJ's DNA on that dress, not mine!
#4 I believe...that it depends on what the definition of "believe" is
#5 I believe...once a king, always a king -- but once a night is not enough!
#6 I believe.Freud was wrong - Sometimes a cigar's NOT just a cigar!
#7 I believe...the American people are actually as gullible as Hillary pretends to be
#8 I believe...that boxer shorts are for keeping your ankles warm
#9 I believe...I feel your pain --your breast -- your th0igh --your butt
#10 I believe...I have betrayed the two most important women in my life --NOT TO MENTION my wife and daughter

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:55 AM
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Saturday February 25, 2006

Count The ways of making love

A man from Pakistan named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."

"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"

"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--"

"Praise Allah!!" exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:57 AM
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Thursday March 16, 2006

Cure for itching...You don't want to learn

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:07 AM
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Thursday March 16, 2006

How lucky?

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been
pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So
he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to
deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,
"Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter!

She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of
puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
"Holdon, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
"Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children,
he sat down with his wife and said,
"Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline
and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good ting we didn't use no WD-fourty."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:14 AM
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Thursday March 16, 2006

Embarassing

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a
sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began
weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he
was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I
happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My
brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's
as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and
left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a
fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?"
the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst
twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder
into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor
doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:17 AM
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Thursday March 16, 2006

Stunt Drivers

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail,
rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered
to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the
miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
"What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:18 AM
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Thursday March 16, 2006

Watch out.... Boys

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the
city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he
retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has
some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the
man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then
pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to
him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets
the same treatment, and he is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees
the madam, she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me
two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred
dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:27 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 16, 2006

Beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she
requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard,
but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do
it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it."

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she
was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said

"Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:29 AM
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Monday March 20, 2006

Jewish Women At the Gates


A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and
a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St.
Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.

The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good
wife and mother, I took good care of my family
and I want to go to heaven.

St. Peter tells her to go to the left.

The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good
woman. I kept my house clean and cooked
and took care of my family, and went to church
every Sunday."

St. Peter tells her to step to the left.

The Jewish woman tells St. Peter," I've been
a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday,
I went to the synagogue on the holidays and
took care of my family."

St. Peter tells her to step to the right.

She immediately asks him, " Why did you tell
me to go to the right and you told the other two
women to go to the left?"

St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the
beauty salon first?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:36 AM
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Monday March 20, 2006

"Aid for the Blind"





A lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to
take a bite when she turns to the man at the
table next to her.

"Pardon me, sir" she says.
"Your napkin fell on the floor."

"Oi! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know.
I'm blindt." He reaches down to find his napkin.
Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he
spilled any food on his shirt.

"Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker
crumbs."

"Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing
them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know
dese tings."

A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do
you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replies.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?"

"You're quite presentable," she replies.

Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays
afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

A few more moments pass and the lady speaks
up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?"
she asks.

"Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what you
got I vill take," he answers.

"Lose the Jewish accent." she replies.
"You're black!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:39 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 20, 2006

"Broken"





Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I've broken
off my engagement to Morris."

"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I'm so sorry. Why?"

"Because my feelings towards Morris have
changed - they just aren't the same anymore,"
replies Sharon.

"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving
him back the engagement ring?"

"No I'm not," replies Sharon, "my feelings
towards the ring haven't changed."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:40 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 20, 2006

"Questions"





Did you know that Moses had to make
a third trip up to the top of Mount Sinai?

Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived
at the burning bush after much climbing,
removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed
to Gbirthday "Oh mighty Gbirthdayng of the Universe,
your people have sent me back here to
ask you a question about the Ten
Commandments."

"What question do they have for me?"
roared the voice of Gbirthday "They want to know whether the
commandments are listed according
to priority."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:42 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 20, 2006

Ultimate Fantasy of most women




Ask any man and he will tell you that any
woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two
men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent
sociological study, it appears that most
men do not realize that in the Jewish
woman's version of this fantasy, one
man is cooking and the other is working
in his medical office.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:43 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 23, 2006

Curious Old Lady

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the
receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off,
when a little old lady came running towards her,screaming.

"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man
outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady,
pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with
no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to
bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's
naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady.
"Try standing on the dresser!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:29 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 23, 2006

Pick-up Lines

Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you
wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in
your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that
pops up.

I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to
introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
word.

Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it
later on tonight.

I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're
wearing.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:32 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 23, 2006

DICK CHENEY.....LATEST WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE

The White House Unveils It's New Drive To Show It's
Support For Dick Cheney

The White House has announced a new public relations
drive designed to rehabilitate Vice President Dick
Cheney's image among the American people.
President George W. Bush, in a speech to the Heritage
Society, has called upon that august body to lead the
charge in a show of support for the beleaguered Vice President.

The program is said to focus on a bi-partisan effort to convince
Americans that whether they are Republican, Democrat
or Independent, the current Administration is the
government is for all the people, and Dick Cheney is a
vital part of that Administration.

The public relations program, called "I LOVE MY DICK!" is an
attempt to show Americans that the Vice President
belongs to all of them, not just an elite few.
White House staffers handed out buttons that said, "I
Love My Dick!", "We All Need Dick Now!" and "Your Bush
Needs A Dick!" to Heritage members as they left the
gathering.

In Evangelical churches across the nation,
pastors have been encouraged to post such sayings as
"Jesus Loves Dick" and "God Bless My Dick".

In a man on the street interview
Georgetown hair stylist Christopher Street said,
"Honey, I think it's fabulous! I've been wearing the
"I Love Dick!" button everyday to work to show my
support. All of my stylists are very positive about
Dick these days as well. It's a whole new Dick loving world baby!"

Unnamed White House Source P Waterhouse, speaking on
the condition of anonymity said, "I personally was a
little leery of wearing a button that said "Give Me
More Dick, Please" but my wife seems to love hers.


The only one who doesn't seem too thrilled with the
new program is the Vice President's daughter Mary, but
I'm not sure why. She does always wear the "I Love
Bush" button though. I tell you this right now though,
I'm not letting my daughter wear the "Give Me Dick
Please!" button, ever."

So far public support from the Administration's base
seems positive, with Festus P. Hymen of Billings,
Montana urging his congregation to put the "Every Bush
Needs A Good Dick" bumper stickers on their trucks and
SUV's. Evangelical Christian women seem quite happily
to suddenly be allowed to voice their love of Dick as
are a distressing number of their husbands.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:35 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 23, 2006

Love......Little Johny

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad
walked in and explained that he and his mom were
getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother
and I are no longer in love." Now more confused,

Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a
husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace
and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right
when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand,son. When has your mother recently been
excited when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with
the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at
the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:45 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 23, 2006

ONLY I CAN HAVE THIS......

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:48 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 24, 2006

You Look Terrible

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied
that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man
replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.
The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and
said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again
replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor
right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and
when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor
said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was
telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor
said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he
definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up
"looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels
great". The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible,
feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the
doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my
book... you're a vagina!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:10 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 24, 2006

I want to marry a virgin ............


George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to
marry a virgin, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever.
After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls"
from "bad girls".

One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the
three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her,
pulls down his pants and flashes her.

"Well, Janice," he said, "what do you reckon this is?"

"Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly.

Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts
her off the list.

Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes
her too.

"Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?"

"It's your dick, George," answers Christine.

Off the list goes Christine.

His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing.

"Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George.

Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finaly answers. "I
honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry."

"ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you
want, just be sure."

Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an
hour.

"Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."

George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are
married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked,
and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife.

"Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing
here, between my legs. That's a dick."

"THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:12 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 24, 2006

10 reasons e-mail is like a penis

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis


10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not
worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real
work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only
thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot
of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:15 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 24, 2006

Which hole???

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied,
"I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said,
"I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said,
"Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied,
"If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said,
"I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said,
"See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:16 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 24, 2006

Am I................

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly
confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was
black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish
or more black?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for
sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother
tells him.
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little
Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more
Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to
know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his
dad.
"Well, it's like this dad ... Tommy down the street wants
to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to
talk him down to $25, or wait until its dark and steal the
fucking thing."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:17 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Four Ducks

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing
around at the pond.
 
The judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to
speak their piece.
 
The first duck comes in.
 
"What's your name,son?", the judge asks.
 
"Duck", replied the duck.
 
"What are you in for?" the judge asks.
 
"Well, I was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and
the cop came by and arrested me."
 
The judge said "O.K., send in the next duck."
 
The next duck came in. His name was "Duck,Duck", and
he told the exact same story as the first duck.
 
After his examination, the judge asked for the third
duck to be sent in. The third duck's name was
"Duck,Duck,Duck", and he told the same story as the
first two.
 
Finally, the judge sent for the fourth duck.
 
As he came in, the judge said,"Let me guess...Your
name is Duck,Duck,Duck,Duck...right?"
 
The duck replied, "No sir, my name is Bubbles."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:09 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Duck Hunt

After countless hours sitting in a duck blind, a duck settles on the lake and a dozen hunters open fire. Nobody wanted the poor thing except for the one guy who promised his wife he'd bring one home. Reluctantly she cooked and served it as the evening meal to her family.
The next morning their 4year old daughter came down and said she noticed little metal balls in the toilet after she had pooped. Mom explained that it was just the buckshot left in the duck dinner . An hour later their 6 year old son complained about metal balls in his poop to and mom calmly explained about the buckshot from the duck dinner. Around noon their 14 year old son comes down and begins to explain but his mom cuts him short and says" I know dear. You were taking a poop and found little metals balls in it." Somewhat confused the son replied" No! I was jacking off in my room and shot the dog."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:14 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Alien Sex

One night a couple was sitting on the couch talking when they heard a terrible noise outside. They ran out to see what it was. When they got there they were shocked to see that and alien spaceship had landed in their backyard. The aliens said, "Don't worry we come in peace. We just want to talk."
So the couple and the aliens sit down to talk. After awhile they start to get tired to they decide to go to bed. The alien couple said, "Look we've never had sex with a human and we know you've never had sex with an alien so how about we switch places for the night." The human couple agreed. The human woman and the male alien began messing around in a bedroom.
When the alien man pulled out his dick the woman complained that it was too small, so he said, "Oh thats no problem look." He hit himself in the forehead and it grew 1 inch.
"Wow thats amazing"
"Yeah" he replied "just keep doing that until it is the size you want it."
Well after awhile she got it where she wanted it and then complained that it was too small around. so he said' "Well watch this" And pulled his ears. It got bigger around. "just keep doing that until its the size you want it." After that they started having sex.
The next morning after the aliens left the human couple were talking and the male asks, "So how was it?" She replied'
"It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. What about you?"
"Well I hated it!"
"Why?"
"The bitch kept hitting me and pulling my ears!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:20 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks


 
1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,
we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you
think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and
it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)?
Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
 
2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think
that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met
you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not
getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory
deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference.
Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by
staring as much as we can.
 
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.
 
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
 
5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.
 
6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to we do it because we enjoy it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
world nowadays.
 
7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when
we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.
 
8. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you
as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve
in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours
on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
 
9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful
hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were
all gobbled up by saber- toothed tigers etc. The end result is that
almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
 
10. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
 
11. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite
well.
 
12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
things.
 
13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
 
14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
 
15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
 

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:24 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Here we go again

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell alcohol on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:27 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Organ Implant

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after
months of recovery he still has a problem. He has
to have his penis amputated. He goes to see the
doctor and the doctor reassures him that he can
help him.
"First of all you have to pick a new
penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a box
from his table and says" This is our 6 inch
standard model. It is dependable and will cost you
only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.
The man says "Okay, that's about right but I have a
question. What's in the other box?"
"This is our 10 inch super model. 10 inches of muscle to please
any women. But for this you have to pay $10,000!!"
The man says " oh yea, that's the one I want. My
wife will love me forever. But does it also come
with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes"
"Well what's in that other box?"
The doctor picks up yet another
box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model.
It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the
ladies wild. But if you want this much power you
gotta pay $12,000 for it!"
The man is really on a
roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's
the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I
know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR"
Then the man says he has just one more
question. "Does it come in White?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:29 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Larke nahi badalte......


Ek Park main ek Larka kisi larki ke sath betha hua dekha geya....Agle din woh kisi doosri larki ke sath betha dekha geya...aur
us se agle din woh larka kisi aur larki ke sath betha dekha geya...
MORAL
LARKIAN BADAL JATI HAIN MAGER LARKE NAHI BADALTE.....
True Na. Its Ture Love ..!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:32 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

20 Dollars Fixes Everything

George was planning on going out with "the boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK to go out with the guys as long as he stayed off
of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about three
hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new
 shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk-ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses
you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks
 to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
George's wife "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it
cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George "Oh, that's from the guy who crapped in my pants."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:42 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 27, 2006

Movie rating systrem

AMERICAN MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED
 
G Nobody gets the girl.
 
PG The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
 
R The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
 
X Everybody Gets The Girl.
 
XXX Everybody gets the girl, her mother, her sister, her father, and
her father's boyfriend.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:45 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday March 28, 2006

perfect match

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot
air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of
problems.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:30 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday March 28, 2006

Perfact Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:33 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday March 28, 2006

Don't blame me it's french

"A thief in Paris almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre, but was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a bold crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied ?Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.?
 
Oh boy, and you thought I lacked DeGaulle to tell you a story like that!.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:42 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday March 28, 2006

Hooker with three breasts

There's this man taking a walk around the red light district and he passes a whorehouse
with a blinking sign saying "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little
interested and thinks "Well... that could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience." So he goes
in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three
breasts," he says.
"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars," the pimp replies. But,
the man is too exited, pulls his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs
to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room
is dark, but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the
night of his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and
the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three
stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts
yesterday," he says after which she smiles and says, "What did you expect honey... you can only
suck out a boil like that once!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:53 AM
1 Comments

Wednesday March 29, 2006

Squeeky Clean Joke

I went to the bank to find out how much money I had in there. I walked up to the teller and said, "I want to check my balance". So she pushed me.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:58 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday March 29, 2006

The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:00 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday March 29, 2006

$400

Dan When I was working in New York, I gave this girl $400 to
have sex with me.
 
Bob What!? You gave a girl $400 for sex?
 
Dan Yes I did.
 
Bob DAMN, what did she look like?
 
Dan She had big t*ts and blonde hair.
 
Bob Was it worth it?
 
Dan Nope, that's why I stopped payment on the check.
 
Bob Are you telling me that you found a girl that would take a
check for sex? And on top of that, you stopped payment on
the check because it wasn't any good?!
 
Dan You betcha.
 
Bob Does your wife know about this?
 
Dan Yup.
 
Bob And just what did she have to say?
 
Dan She wasn't very happy about it.
 
Bob So what did she do?
 
Dan She doesn't let me carry the checkbook anymore.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:06 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday March 29, 2006

Carson's Carnac the Magnificent.

Oldies but goodie, from Johnny Carson's Carnac the Magnificent.
 
 
A Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
 
A Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q Describe Sister Mary Kong.
 
A Gatorade.
Q What does an alligator get on welfare?
 
A Bible belt.
Q What holds up Pat Robertson's pants?
 
A Milk and honey.
Q What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
 
A Ben Gay.
Q Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
 
A An unmarried woman.
Q What was Elizabeth Taylor between 300 and 500 pm on June 1, 1952?
 
A Disjoint.
Q What was dat hippie smoking?
 
A The Laughing Policeman.
Q What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
 
A Dustin Hoffman.
Q Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
 
A Until he gets caught.
Q How long does a United States Congressman serve?
 
A Old wives tale.
Q What do cannibals find hard to digest?
 
A Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
 
A Shareholder.
Q What did Sonny Bono used to be?
 
A Skalliwags.
Q What does your skalli do when it's happy?
 
A David Frost.
Q On a cold morning what forms on your David?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:11 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday March 29, 2006

Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex

Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex
 
* Is it in yet?
* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothin', and you?
* Do I have to pay for this?
* You look better in the dark.
 
* I think that goes in the other hole...
* Hey! My mom has that same bra...
* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
* Hurry up, the game is about to start.
 
* ZzZzZz
* Are you trynna be funny?
* Can I have a ride home after this?
* Are those real?
 
* Is that smell coming from you?
* Haven't you ever done this before?
* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
* You're so much like your sister....
 
* Your mom is really cute.
* What's your name again?
* Do I have to be here in the mornin'?
* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
 
* But you just started!
* Don't touch that!
* Smile for the camera, honey!
* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
 
* I knew you wore a padded bra!
* You wanted me to use a condom?
* Hold on, let me change the channel...
* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
 
* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
* Stop breathin'...you're foggin' up the wind-shield.
* Stop innerruptin' me!
* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.
 
* God, I wish you were a real woman.
* Why can't you ever shave your legs?
* How much do I owe you?
* How come we each have a penis?
 
* Just use your finger, its bigger.
* Does your family have to watch?
* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
* Get off me, I'll do it myself!
 
* Watch...my mom taught me this...
* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
* Should I ask why you're bleedin'?
 
* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
* I'm sob'rin' up and you're gettin' ugly!
 
* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
* You don't sweat much for a fat chick
* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:14 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday March 29, 2006

Walk on water

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing  family tradition. 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water   on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.  

Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!   
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.  

"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you   dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:15 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

Good Girls vs. Bad Girls


Good girls say "Thanks for a wonderful dinner."
Bad girls say, "What's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man.
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner.
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies.
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss.
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food.
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:05 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

REAL..........Men vs. Women




Relationships
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need alas these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Hats
Women look good in hats men look like dinks.

Comedy
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has at most seven items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going Out
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors
Men are vain they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

Movies
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

Directions
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health cl

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:10 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

What I thought I wanted




When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:11 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

Talking Dog for Sale

What I thought I wanted

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:13 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

Barbeque: How A Man Cooks




Barbeque is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.


The woman goes to the store.

The woman "fixes" the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.

The man places the meat on the grill.

The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:15 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

Generic Hooker

The madam had assembled some of her girls
for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention.

"This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise
you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub."

"And this is Connie, available for $375.
She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room.

Now lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both
straight and kinky sex, including bondage.
She's yours for the night for only $300."

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."

"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists.
"Don't you have any generic sluts?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:18 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

How to tell age of a person!!!!!

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.

The Irishman was very skeptical and said so in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people,
and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that
the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.

The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around,
raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of
disbelief in his voice cried
"BeGabbers, He's right...Farty-two!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:19 AM
0 Comments

Thursday March 30, 2006

This one for Women!!!!!!!!

God was just about done creating humans,
but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite
decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing
that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,
"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged,
"Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.
Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place -
first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand,
and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -
laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:22 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Robotic IQ


Robotic IQ

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink
and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR,
baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly,
"So............... ya gonna vote for a democrat again?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:38 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Jumping jack blonde

A blonde is driving down the highway and spots a brunette  in the middle of the road doing jumping jacks. saying 21, 21, 21.
The blonde is mesmerised and parks her Mercedes. She gets out of her car and decides to join in, in the middle of the Highway doing jumping jacks and saying 21, 21, 21. The brunette gets tired and sits on the side of the highway to rest.
A truck comes along and...SPLAT!!!...hits the blonde!
The brunette gets up and starts again...22, 22, 22

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:40 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

He said

He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved.
He said I would love the nakedness of it all.
He said it was stylish.
He said I would feel cleaner.
He said it wouldn't hurt.
He said he had been thinking about this for a long time.
He said he would do it himself.
He said he would be careful.
He said he would go slow.
He said he was ready to begin.
He said to lay down.
He said that he would help me relax.
He said he loved me.
He said he felt like an artist.
He said he was done.
He said he adored the way it looked.
He said he was pleased with his work.
He said he wanted to show me off.
He said he needed to take me out like this.
He said that he wanted people to see me like this.
He said we would have a most exciting day.
He said he would be right back.
He said he had to get his shoes on.
I said...
Well, I didn't say anything.
Poodles don't talk.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:42 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Texan Joke

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy
in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too...
see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a
fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too!
See?  It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the
Rolls replies, "NO!  Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back
here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the
Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is
finally done.  He picks up his car and drives all over town looking
for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it
parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The
windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and
taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
(It's ok, the joke is CLEAN) The man in the Volkswagen finally opens
the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey,
remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the
Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed
in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:55 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Going courting

Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

Little Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." Little Johnny said. "And look what you got!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:58 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Double date

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.
Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice.  Let me
tell you what they're like."
"Okay," said his buddy.
"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks,
but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and
has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by
wearing shoes with very high heels."
"Say no more," interrupted Troy.  "I'll go for head over
heels anytime."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:59 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Kids

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:01 AM
0 Comments

Friday March 31, 2006

Inflatable Doll

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, Please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man ... and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Pakistani one blows itself up!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:03 AM
0 Comments

Thursday April 06, 2006

Letter to Bush

Dear President Bush
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family,
and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across
the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few
arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports,
immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the
same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that
I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting
the following
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might
need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the
flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and
lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy
access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any
effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the
memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all
police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not
want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,
and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice
and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might
place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these
things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am
sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him
nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail
hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
A U.S. Citizen

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:56 AM
0 Comments

Thursday April 06, 2006

I Love Her, But...

I Love Her, But...
A collection of men's thoughts on their women.]


... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television
screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the
pitch flies...!!!! and all I can see is her butt. --Howard, Dodge City, Kan.


... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast.
Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast,
let alone what she'd have? --Ted, Wexford, Pa.



... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees she sleeps in my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She
steals my half-used razors new ones are too sharp. She even wears my
boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.



... she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If
it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put
"sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't
get done. --Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
. you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.



... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no
rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to
bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new
house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense. --Jim, Minneapolis



... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she
asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork
chops used to be smarter than their dogs. --Miles, Shreveport, La.



... every so often boom! she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead.
Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is. --Cary, Seattle



... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says
she's not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in
the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist. --Terence, Gary,
Ind.



... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know
she's a natural blonde. --Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
. she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.



... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over
her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to
sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you? --Arthur, Cedar
City, Utah



... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left
off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh,
yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick
up her dry cleaning ..." --Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
. in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team,
her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a
cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me. --Neil, Orlando, Fla.



... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I
slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me
half to death. --Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.



... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women.
Somebody's always got PMS. --Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:05 AM
0 Comments

Friday April 07, 2006

Why Perents Go Grey.............

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of  having to  talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a  message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he’s busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle "They’re looking for Me!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:46 AM
0 Comments

Friday April 07, 2006

It Is Just Gas..........

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed
she was gaining a little weight.
"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even
more weight.
"Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing
a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in
the carriage and said,... "Cute little fart."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:59 AM
0 Comments

Friday April 07, 2006

Dear Hubby Letter



Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
 Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:03 AM
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Friday April 07, 2006

The Rain

Two worms live together on a golf course.

The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."

The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.

At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course. Do it right here. Nobody will know."

The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."

And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.
She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence when the worm (ptt!) pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched.

He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.

The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, it's raining so hard the birds are building their nests upside-down."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:05 AM
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