Jokes from ShashiBansal


About ShashiBansal

Hi

Skip Navigation Links.


Latest Jokes by ShashiBansal





Thursday September 29, 2005

"Terrorists At The Shul"

"Terrorists At The Shul"

Just before Rosh HaShana, a team of terrorists
invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor
and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a
million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.

The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner
and inform them that things look bad and they're
going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show
that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each
hostage one wish.

"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've
been working on my Rosh HaShana Sermon. What
a waste to die now without having carried it before an
audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour - ninety minutes long tops." They promise to grant him the wish.

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally
gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste
to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about
45 minutes long - then I'll go happily." The terrorists
promise to grant the cantor his wish too and then
turn to the shul president.

"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes,
"Shoot me first!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:24 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 29, 2005

"Religious Differences"

"Religious Differences"

Sammy Goldenberger, a little boy, was walking down
a dirt road after shul one Saturday afternoon when
he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl,
Sarah Edelman coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said Sam.

"Hi," replied Sarah.

"Where are you going?" asked Sam.

"I've been to Temple this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered Sarah.

"Me too," replied Sam. "I'm also on my way home
from shul."

"Which shul do you go to?" asked Sam.

"I go to Beth Shalom, a conservative Temple back
down the road," replied the Sarah. "What about you?"

"I go to Anshe Shalom, an Orthodox shul back at
the top of the hill," replied Sam.

They discovered that they are both going the same
way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring
rains had partially flooded the road so there was
no way that they could get across to the other side
without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sabbath dress wet my Mom's going
to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Shul suit
wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm
going pull off all my clothes and hold them over my
head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going
to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the
other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip
dry before putting their clothes back on when the
little boy finally remarked.... "You know, I never did
realize before just how much difference there really
is between Orthodox and Conservative."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:21 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 28, 2005

The Cow From Texas

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped
giving milk. The people did some research
and found they could buy a cow up in Texas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Texas and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time,
and the people were pleased and very
happy. They decided to acquire
a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.


They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close
to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and
decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her
from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she
walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow in Texas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had
never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Texas?"

The Vet replied with a distant look
in his eye, "My wife is from Texas"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:46 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 28, 2005

Free Sample

A young mother sat down on the bus next to an older woman.
“What a sweet baby!” exclaimed the older woman. “How old is he?”
“Thank you, ma’am,” said the young mother. “
He’ll be three months old this week.”

“I met traveling salesman at a dance at the town hall a year ago.
They always have so many things to sell.
This salesman is what my gramps used to call a flim-flam man.
Well to make a long story short this salesman asked me out.
I promised my gramps I wouldn’t sign nothing and gramps let me go."
Oh that is sweet, but you didn’t sign any contracts…
those traveling salesmen can be persistent.” The older woman sighed sagely.

“Well, I didn’t sign anything,” the young woman said proudly.
I kept a firm no on my lips until the end of the dance.
“Good For you! And what’s your baby’s name honey?”
“Free Sample.”

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:48 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 29, 2005

"Bubeleh"

"Bubeleh"

Before Mrs. Schwartz sent her son off for his
first day at school she hugged him and said,
"Good Luck my bubeleh, be good, be nice,
bubeleh and work hard and remember, bubeleh,
at lunchtime, eat all your food and play nicely
with all the other children. Oh, my bubeleh, I'm
so very proud. Remember, bubeleh, Mommy
loves you very much."

That afternoon, when the little Schwartz returned
home, his mother exclaimed, "Bubeleh, my
bubeleh, give mommy a hug! What a beautiful
bubeleh you are. So, tell Mommy, what did you
learn at school today?"

"Well", said the boy, "I learned that my name is
Sammy."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:19 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 29, 2005

"Principles Of Jewish Buddhism"

"Principles Of Jewish Buddhism"

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your
stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such round
shoulders.

2. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is
another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle
maintenance, do the following get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

5. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you
never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And
whose fault was that?

6. If there is no Self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands
nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao
does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The
Tao is not Jewish.

9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction. With the third sip, eat
a Danish.

10. Be patient and achieve all things. Haggle and
get them cheaper.

11. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you
are 10,000 flowers. Each flower blossoms 10,000
times. Each blossom has 10,000 petals. You might
want to see a specialist.

12. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that
so complicated?

13. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then, what do you have? Bupkes!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:20 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

"Fast Drivers, Dead Chickens"

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said,
"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said
SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff,
"Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him,
"Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words
SLOW NUDIST COLONY

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:57 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

Empty cans



A little boy went up to his mother one day while holding his stomach and said, "Mum, my stomach hurts."
His mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
Later that day when the Priest was over for dinner, the Priest began to feel sick. Holding his head he said, "I have a very bad headache!"
The little boy looked up at him giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.
Then he said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:02 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

Proud Terrorists Fathers



Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:04 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

*Elephant's Nuts*



A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:05 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

Discrimination

"When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:07 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 26, 2005

'Fascinate'

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to
the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was
fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said,
"My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was
"fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good,
Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,'
so she called on him. Little Johnny said, " My sister has
a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so damn big,
she can only fasten eight."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:25 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 28, 2005

Hard Questin-Easy Answer

One day there were three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to enter.

St. Peter approached them and asked the first nun,
"Do you know who the first man was on earth?"
She said, "Ummm that's tough ... Adam?"

Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

Then St. Peter went to the second nun and asked,
"Do you know who the first woman was on earth?"
She said, "Ummmm ... Eve?"
Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

St. Peter then asked the third and last nun,
"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun said, "Hmmmm, that's a hard one."
Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked right in.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:43 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 28, 2005

Important men in a woman's life.

Important men in a woman's life.

1. A Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. A Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. A Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the
front or the back?"

4. A Beautician - who asks her "do you want it teased
or blown?"

5. An Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's
inside, you will love it!"

6. A Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out
too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. And most important...
A Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always
shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps
telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:44 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

We have many of.............

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state Idaho, Nebraska, Arizona and California.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Californian.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the lady from Arizona.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the lady from Arizona opened the car door and pushed the Californian out.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:06 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Peanut Fortunes

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, the peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go
out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being
informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut
out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew,
the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:08 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

How to Weigh

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig.

The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and
bobbed his head up and down.

He then told the city slicker that the pig was too
heavy -- it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe
that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.

The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times

and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on.

The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have
her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes
came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:09 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Choking

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick maneuver really works!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:12 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Self Punishment??? Can I ?

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury
and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back
door and into the tool shed out the back of the barn. She put his
tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up an old carpenters saw. The banged up
cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut if off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam
of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said
"Nope. I'm going to set this shed on fire and go to town for a cold
beer. You do whatever you have to!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:17 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Moral of the story

An important executive was telling friends at his country
club about some of his experiences.

"So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I
took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.
Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit
another plane on the field and burned up. Then I married
this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I
found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to
divorce her."

"So what's the moral?" one of the others asked.

"Clear as a bell," said the executive.

"If it swims, flies, or fucks, lease it, don't buy it."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:19 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Nun,s Story

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to
do one sin each.

So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.

She said, "I had sex with a guy."

The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.
Soshe did!

The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.

She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."

So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water.
So she did!

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.

And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:20 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 13, 2005

"In My Congregation"

"In My Congregation"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the
serenity of a country dipping pond.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed,
the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very
old ladies from town approached them. Unable to
get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest
covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes
back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi
why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied...

"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation,
it's my FACE that they would recognize."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:15 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 13, 2005

"Identification"

"Identification"

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads
immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded
but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after
the long flight and many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're
Jewish?"

"Yes."

"You come from Sudbury?"

"Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Emmanuel?"

"Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know
so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of
Temple Emmanuel is the only Rabbi I know who
performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle
and you're peeing in my shoe!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:17 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 13, 2005

Confused????

Lee Sum Wan "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?"
Mr. Sori "Yes, you can speak to me."
Lee Sum Wan "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."
Mr. Sori "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"
Lee Sum Wan "I'm Sum Wan. I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent."
Mr. Sori "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone!
But what's this urgent matter about?"
Lee Sum Wan "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe
Wan was injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now,
Avery Wan is going to the hospital."
Mr. Sori "Well, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that
isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"
Lee Sum Wan "You are very rude. Who are you?" Mr.
Sori "I'm Sori."
Lee Sum Wan "You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"
Mr. Sori "I'm Sori!"
Lee Sum Wan "I don't like your tone of voice, mister, and I don't care. Now give me your name!"
Mr. Sori "Look, lady, I told you already. I'm Sori! I'm Sori! I'm SORI!
You didn't even give me your name!"
Lee Sum Wan "I told you before, I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan! You better be careful, man. My father is Sum Buddy.
And my uncle holds a very prestigious position in the family business. He is Noe Buddy."

Mr. Sori (sarcastically) "Oh, I'm so scared. Look, I don't care about your uncle he's a nobody.
Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an important position in the company."
Lee Sum Wan "No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there."
Mr. Sori "Like I said, I don't care which one of your aunts sleeps
around, and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez! Now,
which one of my employees do you want to talk to?"
Lee Sum Wan "Wheech Wan is my sister!"
Mr. Sori "I don't know which one is your sister! How in God's name would I know that?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:26 PM
1 Comments

Thursday September 15, 2005

Talking Dog?????

A boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through
the semester,

he has foolishly squandered what money his parents
gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with!

Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do
I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3
way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,

"but you just won't believe this - they've had such
good results with this program,

that they've implemented a new one to teach the
animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have
to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.

When he gets home, his father will find out that the
dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was
in the living room kicking back in the recliner,

reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around

with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "Oh, shit I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:01 PM
1 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

Blond Convict

Blond Convict


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed
to take one item with them to help occupy their time while
incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you
bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The English convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of
games."
The third convict, a RedKneck, was sitting quietly aside, grinning
to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What
did you bring?"
The Redneck convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to
this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:29 PM
0 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

Subsitute For A Flu Shot

Subsitute For A Flu Shot

An oldie but very funny...


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top
of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon
it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would
tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep
it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter."
So, who needs a flu shot!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:30 PM
0 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

St Peter

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are
greeted by St. Peter who says to Hef,

"You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with
your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the
kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having
even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up
under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and
gnash your teeth for all eternity."

Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100
feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following
close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans
closer to Hef and whispers in his ear... "Tits"

A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell.

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says,

"You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with
your sexy looks and provocative behavior. You have only one
chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that
tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap
door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you
will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity."

Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close
behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to
whisper in her ear.

A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:31 PM
0 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

Reward of Charity

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
===============

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:35 PM
0 Comments

Thursday September 22, 2005

Effects of Jewish Fly


A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her,
so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch.
You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way
to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops
the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden
he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering
hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore!
.......You excite me so much...take me shopping!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:19 PM
0 Comments

Thursday September 01, 2005

Brain Scan

Musharraf went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:09 AM
2 Comments

Thursday September 01, 2005

Pig

Musharraf and his driver were going to Military Air Base and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Musharraf saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm Musharraf's driver and I just killed the pig."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:13 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 06, 2005

Cat Food

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she
suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for
my husband! He?ll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the
supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with
the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror
as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You
can make this for me any day.?

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill
while he was licking his butt."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:42 PM
0 Comments

Thursday September 08, 2005

Persistency


Persistency

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband

starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and

says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment

tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,

rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over

and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist

appointment tomorrow too?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:35 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 08, 2005

Hotel Hospitality


Hotel Hospitality

The Italiano tourist wrote a complaint letter to the Manager of a hotel

in London. The letter read as follows

Dear Signor Diretorre

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am

comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a young man at

your hotella. When I comma in my room I see no shit in my bed.

How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?

I calla down the receptione and tell "I wanna shit". They tella me

"Go to the toillett". I said "No, no. I wanna shit in my bed". They

said "You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is

sonnawabitch?!

I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs an

two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I point to toast

"I wanna pisss". She tella me "Go to the toillett". I say "No, no.

I wanna piss on my plate". She then say to me "You bloody fella

better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person

who do not even know me and call me sonnawabitch! What is

sonnawabitch?

Later I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no

I tella waitress "I wanna fock", and shell tella me "Sure everybody

wanna fock". I tell her "No, No. You don't understand me. I wanna fock

on the table". She then tell me "So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock

on the table? Get your ass outa here!"

So I go to the receptione and ask I no wanna stay in your hotel no

more. When I have pay the bills, the porter say to me "Thank you

and peace be with you" I say "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch"

I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella, you

sonnawabitch!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:36 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Taken for a ride.....Again

There was this blonde woman sitting on a park bench
muttering to herself and
spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit.
A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so
he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why
not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we
have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes
go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up
speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've
got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to
do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500
foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an
overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I
just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if
you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've
ever had!"
She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:58 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Blonde Pharmacist

Blonde Pharmacist



A Pharmacist had an appointment he had to tend to so he put his cute blonde assistant in charge for the afternoon while he went about his business. He had already pre-filled all the prescriptions and made sure his assistant was aware of which prescriptions went to which patient.


If anybody came in with a last minute prescription just to tell them to come in the next morning to pick it up. So with those instructions he felt confident that his assistant could hold down the office until he got back the next day.



The next morning he asked his assistant how the day went. The cute blonde reported that everything went smoothly with everyone being able to pick up their prescriptions. A few last minute orders were left on the desk for him to fill that morning.



The only thing that went out of the ordinary was when a man came in coughing and hacking. In between coughs and hacks he managed to eek out a request for cough medicine.



The Pharmacist was a bit alarmed and asked how she handled the customer since he didn’t leave her with any instructions to filling requests of this nature.



She cheerfully reached under the counter and handed him a bottle and said “I told him to take these.”



“Are you kidding me? This is not cough medicine, theses are laxatives! How the hell is this going to help him?” he exclaimed.



The blonde replied, “I don’t know but I do know that he’s afraid to cough now”

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:01 AM
0 Comments