Jokes Page - From www.HumNRI.com

Tuesday December 20, 2005

Farmer

The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. the only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded up his pickup truck with peaches and headed into town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house, so he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey. What can I do for you?"
Quite shaken. the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a little bit. She opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
She opened up the rest of her robe, showing she wasn't wearing any panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying. He said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She asked, "Well Honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, the cutworms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton, and now I think you're gonna screw me outa my peaches."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 AM

1 Comments

Tuesday December 20, 2005

Promotion

The young lady received her bachelor's degree from
Yale and her M.B.A. from Harvard. When she got her
first job, her expectations were high, but three years
without a promotion nearly destroyed her self
confidence. She was about to quit when her father
called her in and said, "You can't give up. Business
isn't like school - you have to marshall every
resource you have to get ahead. Go back to work and
play to win."

The woman went back to work, and a week later she got
herself transferred to a new division. The results
were startling. Three months after she started, she
was named to a managerial position. Nine months later,
she became a regional manager. And just six months
after that, she stopped by her father's house one
night and said, "Daddy, guess what. I was in my
boss's office today when he told me, "Julie, I have a
surprise for you. As of today, you're an assistant
vice president."

Her father exclaimed, "That's terrific. I hope you
told him how grateful you were."

"I tried to," she said, "But he doesn't like it when I
try to talk with his dick in my mouth."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:38 AM

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Saturday December 10, 2005

"Banged"

"Banged"

"Miss Jones, we can't hire you as a model," the
editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's
obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since
the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up the magazine editors
bowling ball and slammed it down on his fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers.
They're turning black, right? And they've only been
banged once..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:46 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"Four Roses"

"Four Roses"

Two sharp chicks are walking down the street
together. They meet an attractive young man
and one of them says, "Hi six, four !!"

Later they meet another young stud, and the same
girl says, "Hello eight, two!!"

The other girl inquires, "What's with this number
stuff you are calling these guys?"

The first girl replies, "Oh, it is simple! The first
number is how big he is the second - how many
times he can do it."

As they proceed down the street, the first girl
greets another man with, " Hey! Four Roses! "

The second girl says, "Now wait a minute !!!
I understand the number system, but Four Roses
is a liquor!"

The first girl says, "You got it!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:49 PM

0 Comments

Monday December 19, 2005

Don't Kiss The Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9
Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one
shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all
the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:41 AM

0 Comments

Monday December 19, 2005

A population control program

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but
the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their
birth control pills, They decided, therefore, to concentrate on
teaching the men to wear condoms. One of the men who came in had had
eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he
absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore
it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the
wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He
called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter.
He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath. The interpreter said,
"He swears he did wear it. He never took it off." The doctor shook
his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant
again?" "He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had
to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:45 AM

0 Comments

Friday December 09, 2005

TYPES OF GIRLFRIEND:

TYPES OF GIRLFRIEND

1) Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh
Darling, you
shouldn't have"
Also known as What a gal, precious, one of the boys,
my main
squeeze, doormat
Advantages Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages May wise up someday

2) Old Yeller - "You god-damned spineless
good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me
miserable??"
Also known as She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old
Lady, Warthog
from Hell
Advantages Pays attention to you
Disadvantages Screeches, throws frying pans

3) Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps.
My
cellulite"
Also known as Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages Predictable
Disadvantages Contagious

4) The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different
tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't
give me that look."
Also known as Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms.
Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, yes Mom
Advantages Often right
Disadvantages Often right, but so what?

5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.
Should I switch
my career, goals, home, and hair
color?"
Also known as The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw
c'mon Honey
Advantages Easily soothed
Disadvantages Even more easily perturbed

6) Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez
get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it
before. S'fun."
Also known as Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime
charleena, passed
out
Advantages More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages Unreliable drives off cliffs

7) Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly
cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also known as No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish,
Chilly
proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages You will have no friends

8) Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive
dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball,
Loony, Bad
News, Artistic
Advantages Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages Will read her poetry aloud

9) Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just
the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think
we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout,
Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages Will have nothing to do with you

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:45 PM

0 Comments

Friday December 09, 2005

Irish Man

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:50 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"Tonsils"

"Tonsils"

A young boy of four was going into hospital to
have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate,
"I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery."

On the day he was admitted his mother asked
if the doctor could also circumcise the boy while
he was asleep.

The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was
very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate
again. The playmate informed him that he was
also going to have to have his tonsils out soon.
He asked him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your
tonsils ain't where you think they are."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:37 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"Medical Condition"

"Medical Condition"

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor,
Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to
the bathroom, DIMES come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with
her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor,
Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the
bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong
with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest
with her feet up and come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and
yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better!
Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS
come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going
through your change!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:39 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"In The Mud"

"In The Mud"

A young white trash couple are having sex in
a muddy corn field one evening. The fellow
asks, "Honey, could you check to see if it's in
you or if it's in the mud???" She reaches down
and checks.

"It's in the mud," she tells him.

"Well,... could you put it back in???"

She puts it back in and they continue having
sex for a while before he asks again, "Honey,
could you check to see if it's in you or if it's in
the mud???"

She checks again and says, "It's still in me,
big fella!!!"

"Ummm,... could you put it back in the mud,
please???"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:40 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"Little Johnny's Dinner Story"

"Little Johnny's Dinner Story"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the
playground and going into the woods. Curious,
he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane
kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain
himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother
excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND
AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants
to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny,
this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look
on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his
story. He describes the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy
and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:42 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"Clothes"

"Clothes"

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was
asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining
table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress
in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off
the lights. You get undressed and tell me when
you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the
darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should
I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them
over here, on top of mine!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:43 PM

0 Comments

Saturday December 10, 2005

"Cow For Sale"

"Cow For Sale"

Harry and his wife were driving in the country
when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...
$5000."

He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no
cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"

He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the
cow had a snatch just like a woman. Harry got
back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to
cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow
that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth
$5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch
like a cow, and you ain't worth crap!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:45 PM

0 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

Questions that stumped Dear Abby!

Questions that stumped Dear Abby!

Dear Abby
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go
everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who
has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive,
and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but
I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,
and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a
boy who was raised in a Good Christian home turn against
his own?

Dear Abby
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$60 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must
be crazy.

Dear Abby
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor
a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:30 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 28, 2005

Mother Superior !!!!

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:35 AM

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Monday November 28, 2005

Thanksgiving Dinner

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner
without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she
prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called
to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much
trouble trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:41 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 28, 2005

A Blonde............

John went to a party the other night and was having a real blast.
After he'd been there a few hours (and several, several drinks),
he noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side.
She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down
to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built!

The amazing thing was, she kept staring at him and smiling.
Naturally, being a man, he decided to go try his luck.
Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
He went over and struck up a conversation with her
(don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting).

Well, one thing led to another and she invited him back to
her place and being the gentleman he was, he said "OK."
He would not go into all the details of the night (mainly
because he didn't remember), but he awoke the next
morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying.
He thought now this is great! He thought he might have a keeper here.

He got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.
When he got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was
standing at the stove.

Embarrassed, he stammered, "Where's your daughter?"

She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said,
"I don't have a daughter."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:44 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 28, 2005

"Assurance"

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating
table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his
son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked
to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son do your best and just
remember, if it doesn't go well, if something
happens to me .. your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:51 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 28, 2005

"Dog of a Kind"

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi
noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk
in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked
the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.

Rabbi "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"YES!" says Bernie.

Rabbi "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around
that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

Bernie "Its true..!"

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's
bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog proceeds
to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a
yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer
book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15
minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so
impressed with the quality of the praying he says to
Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going
to rabbinical school??"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:57 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 28, 2005

"She's Special"

Sammy happens to be passing by an open field
and sees a space ship landing. He stops to view
this amazing sight and notices that the door to
the ship is opening. As he watches a beautiful,
shapely young woman steps out and walks towards
him. She tells him she is an emissary from Mars
and has come to learn more about Earth and its
customs first hand.

Thrilled, Sammy offers to be her escort and show
her around. He asks her if they have night clubs on
Mars and she says no. So he takes her to a popular
night spot. They have a wonderful dinner and enjoy
the music. Sammy dances with her teaching her
his dances as well as learning some of hers. They
spend the evening having a great time dancing and
discussing all the differences between Mars and Earth.

At the end of the evening Sammy asks the woman if
she'd like to come up to his place for a night cap. She
agrees and off they go. After a short while Sammy
asks her if people on Mars like to make love. "But of
course," says the woman. Seeing as how she appears
eager to pursue this idea, Sammy proceeds to take her
to his bedroom where the two of them begin to undress.

With great surprise Sammy notices that she has rubies
all around her nipples, a huge diamond in her navel, and
a lot of tiny emeralds and sapphires all around the area
where he'd expect to see pubic hair.

"Wow!" says Sammy. "Do all Martian woman have
jewels on their body just like you?"

"Well..." she replies, "not the Gentiles..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:02 AM

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Wednesday November 30, 2005

Politeness

A man and his friend were hunting deer in rural Missouri near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:45 PM

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Wednesday November 30, 2005

The 8 why's of men

The 8 why's of men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

( because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know...... it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:58 PM

0 Comments

Thursday December 01, 2005

I AM A PRINCESS.....

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, witch."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:57 AM

0 Comments

Sunday December 04, 2005

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:05 PM

0 Comments

Sunday December 04, 2005

Calcium

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat
osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones
as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his
announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's
surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers
also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling
or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've
got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't
any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium
to make a bone about 6 inches long."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:06 PM

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Sunday December 04, 2005

SOUTHERN SPEAK

SOUTHEXCLAMTIONS

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"

THREATS

"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

cOMPLIMENTS

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."

THE WEATHER

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

DESCRIPTIONS

A bothersome person is
"like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say,
"that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's
"like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

INSULTS

"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:13 PM

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Sunday December 04, 2005

Husbands

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few
drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody
can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my
husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her
friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:15 PM

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Sunday December 04, 2005

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:18 PM

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Sunday December 04, 2005

Third Graders

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and
a Redneck kid are on the playground at recess. The
Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest penis," he says.
"Okay," they respond and they all agree to play.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"Ah, that's nothing,"says the Italian kid. He whips his
out. His is a couple of inches longer. And not to be
outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far
the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and
girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and
amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's
mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh,"
he answered "we worked on a science project,
had a math test and read out loud from a new book.....
and during recess my friends and I played 'Let's see
who has the largest penis."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our
penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's
because I'm a hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

"No, honey," replied the mother. "It's because you're twenty-three."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:26 PM

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Friday October 28, 2005

"Kosher Talk"

A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Mt. Sinai....

G birthday

member Moses, in the laws of keeping
Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses Ohhhhh! So you are saying we should never
eat milk and meat together.

G birthday

at I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its
mother's milk. Moses Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance!
What you are really saying is we should wait six hours
after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our
stomachs.

G birthday

ses, listen to me. I am saying, don't cook
a calf in its mother's milk!!!
Moses Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my
stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate
set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and
if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....

G birthday

do whatever the hell you want..........

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:53 AM

0 Comments

Friday October 28, 2005

"The Mourning After"

A man is calling on his best friend Morris to
pay a condolence call the day after the friend's
wife has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer,
so he decides to go in and see if everything is all
right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers
his friend in the living room having his way with
the maid.

"Morris", says the man, "Your wife just died
yesterday!!"

His friend looks up and says, "In all this grief, do
you think I know what I'm doing?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:04 AM

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Friday October 28, 2005

"About Affairs..."

Santa and his two friends are talking at work.

His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an
affair with the electrician. The other day I came
home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having
an affair with the plumber. The other day I found
a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Santa says, "I think my wife is having an affair
with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and
found a jockey under our bed."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:13 AM

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Friday October 28, 2005

"Bust of Stalin"

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit
permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate
to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could
only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At
Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous
Customs officer who glared at him and snarled
"Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged
through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large
bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped
it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that?" snarled the
customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask
'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is
our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home
to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and
the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official,
tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport
and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer.
"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and
the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?"
said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't
ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That
is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to
remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused
me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for
the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the
official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got
round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took
out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust
of Stalin and put it on the table.

"Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't
ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That
is five kilos of gold and a bit of black shoe polish."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:19 AM

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Friday October 28, 2005

"Where Did I Go Wrong?"

A man is having a problem with his son and goes
to see his rabbi. "I sent him to Hebrew School and
gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah," says the
man, "and now he tells me he's decided to be a
Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi.
"I also brought my boy up in the faith and gave him
a fancy Bar Mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells
me he's decided to become a Christian."

"So what did you do?" asked the man.

"I turned to G-d for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did He say?" pressed the man.

Rabbi sighed and said, "G-d said, 'Funny you should
come to me...' "

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:21 AM

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Friday October 28, 2005

"The Cantor"

The Cantor at an old established synagogue had
decided to leave, stating that he could not afford to
work there anymore. The synagogue committee
were shocked and didn't know what to do. After all,
the cantor had been a fixture there for so many
years. At an emergency meeting they were trying
to figure how they can get the Cantor to change
his mind and stay.

Mr. Goldberg, the baker, said, "I"ll bake the Hazen
fresh bread and pastries every Friday, so he'll have
plenty for a week." The committee all clapped. "That
is a wonderful gesture," they said.

The butcher, Mr. Stein, said, "I give him fresh chicken
and beef every Friday. He'll have enough to eat each
week." Again the committee all clapped and agreed
it was a good gesture.

Mr. Fine, the tailor said, "Every Rosh Hashanah and
Yom Kippur, I will make him a suit and shirt of the
finest materials so he'll look good on the high holidays.
Once again the committee all clapped and agreed
that this was an excellent gesture.

From the back of the room a woman stands up and
says, "Every Monday and Thursday, I'll have sex with
the Cantor." Everyone in the room was startled. It
became so quiet you could here a pin drop.

"Mrs. Schwartz, how can you say such a thing,' the
president of the committee asked, "to the Cantor,
yet!"

"Well," Mrs. Schwartz said, "when I told my husband
that the Cantor was leaving, he said, "Fuck the
Cantor!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:23 AM

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Saturday October 29, 2005

A Xmas wish

Dear old Santa is in the Grotto, when after endless days of snotty, smelly, sticky young children filing past, he is confronted by a beautiful,voluptuous, nubile eighteen year old girl. She sits herself down on Santa's knee and finally he is able to ask her what she wants for Christmas.

She says, "Well, Santa, I haven't any pubic hairs on my sweet little pussy, and I wondered if you could get me some for Christmas?"

Santa swallowed hard, and replied, "It is a big ask to get you pubic hairs, but I can guarantee you a full set of white whiskers there!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:31 PM

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Saturday October 29, 2005

Nasty! Check what your wife packs for lunch????

A woman was sitting in the doctor's office when he came in and said,
"Mrs.Jones, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice."

"Oh my god" she said, "I've got to get to a phone."

"Why?" asked the doctor?

"I packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:35 PM

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Saturday October 29, 2005

You jackass."

This fellow comes to confession.
"Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story.
"Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a
delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell,
the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.
She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure.
And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted.
Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.
"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 PM

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Monday October 31, 2005

Honeymoon! Chinese Style

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under
the sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I
know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will
impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request..
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have
heard about .. numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.."You want...Chicken wiff
Broccori?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:09 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday November 02, 2005

Dog named Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's
name was Mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- I think my penis has fleas.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis curled up beside me
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Mypenis doesn't like pussies

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:40 PM

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Wednesday November 02, 2005

Chrimas Gift

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of
Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the
butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?"
the maid suggested.

The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that.
A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." The maid
grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for
Jenny, the serving girl?"

The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a
new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her
another apron."

The conversation continued in the same vein, and the
maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they
reached her husband. "I assume you want to get him
something he really needs, madam?" the maid
replied.

"Of course," the woman replied.

"Then how about five more inches?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:41 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday November 02, 2005

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:42 PM

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Wednesday November 02, 2005

Hot Sex

Rita Garcia has 'fessed up after bragging to friends about how she
got even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's
apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully
opened a condom and put peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and
waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-
old girlfriend, Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on
fire. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said,
"He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it The nurses hair was
unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment,
one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital
not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're
through using it!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:45 PM

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Friday November 04, 2005

Prescription

A man goes to chemist I need to buy poison
Chemist I can't sell you that...
Man shows his wife photo
Chemist Sorry! I din know you had a prescription!!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:25 PM

0 Comments

Sunday November 06, 2005

Minimun?

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a
podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says,
"Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and
sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:54 PM

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Sunday November 06, 2005

Drunk

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached one old grandma and said, "Listen, I haven't had sex in years. Neither of us is getting any younger, how about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!" "I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight she was for such an old woman. "Surely she's got to be a virgin." he thought. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50". Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:59 PM

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Sunday November 06, 2005

I was feeling fine but then he said????

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:00 PM

1 Comments

Monday November 14, 2005

Affair

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the

homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a

plasterer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned

early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the

driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her

be having an affair."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:59 AM

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Monday November 14, 2005

Grandma!!!!

5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.

I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. Shestarted adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied,"Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:00 AM

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Monday November 14, 2005

An Arkansas Farmer

An Arkansas Farmer

An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and

knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied.

"He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?" "No, sir,

she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw." "How about your

brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stoodthere for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the

other and mumbling to himself. "There anything I can do fer ya?" the boy

asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.

Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that,"

he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for

the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer

Howard."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:01 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 14, 2005

Counting

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:11 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 14, 2005

IRS 1040 FORM

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are

blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches

away."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:13 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 14, 2005

"Autumn of Life"

"Autumn of Life"

3 geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach.

Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen,

isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford

the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I

have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer.

Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest

wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know

exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my

wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at

me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished

doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your

problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My

memory is going."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:15 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 14, 2005

"Priceless"

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't

believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first

thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of

water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red

rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all

clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and

sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the

rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when

he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the

bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table "Honey,

breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping --

Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is

hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is

also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your

mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,

and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

""So, why is everything in such perfect order & so clean.

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table

waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the

bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,

you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........

Priceless!!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:16 AM

0 Comments

Monday November 14, 2005

"Coming Home"

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears

strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes

upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating

and panting.

"What's up?" He says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

The guy rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just

as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,

"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your closet and

he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs

into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips

open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his

brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten SOB," screams the husband, "My wife's

having a heart attack and you're running around naked

scaring the kids!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:17 AM

1 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

You Might Be Blonde When...

You Might Be Blonde When...

If you send a fax with a stamp on it.

If you think a quarterback is a refund.

If you try to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

If you think Boyz II Men is a daycare center.

If you think Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

If you think General Motors is in the army.

On you job application, you put "Hooked on Phonics."

If you try to drown a fish.

If you trip over a cordless phone.

If you spend 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it says
"concentrate."

If you tell someone to meet you at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

If you ask for a price check at the Dollar Store.

If it takes you 2 hours to watch "60 Minutes."

If you try to speak your mind, and you look speechless.

If you study for a blood test and failed.

If you think you need a token to get on "Soul Train."

If you sell your car for gas money! If when informed that 90% of all crimes
occur around the home, you move.

If you think think that Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If having missed the #44 bus, you take the #22 bus twice instead.

If when at the airport you see a sign that says "Airport Left," and you turn
around and head home.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:40 AM

0 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

You Can't Win!!!!

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her
17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew
her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she
thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his
railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at
him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you
suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out
and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course
not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He
dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As
luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a
man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she
screamed in panic.

"You Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:51 AM

0 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

At The BAR..............

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about
their professions...

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,Ecologist

The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to a woman and ask her, "
What are you? "

She replies " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:52 AM

0 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

Sex Ed

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and
asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

The teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

Little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go
to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the Mom's teeth."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:58 AM

0 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

In the Park....

A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a
woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her
blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the rosy
nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll
eat all of that!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:10 AM

0 Comments

Thursday November 17, 2005

"Kids say the damdest things"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he said.

*************************************************************************** ********************

When my grandson asked how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure"

"Look in your underwear, Grandma, " he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

*************************************************************************** **********

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

****************************** ************************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es".

*************************************************************************** ************

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

*************************************************************************** *************

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in you cup!"

*************************************************************************** ********************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:26 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Blonde Pharmacist

Blonde Pharmacist

A Pharmacist had an appointment he had to tend to so he put his cute blonde assistant in charge for the afternoon while he went about his business. He had already pre-filled all the prescriptions and made sure his assistant was aware of which prescriptions went to which patient.

If anybody came in with a last minute prescription just to tell them to come in the next morning to pick it up. So with those instructions he felt confident that his assistant could hold down the office until he got back the next day.

The next morning he asked his assistant how the day went. The cute blonde reported that everything went smoothly with everyone being able to pick up their prescriptions. A few last minute orders were left on the desk for him to fill that morning.

The only thing that went out of the ordinary was when a man came in coughing and hacking. In between coughs and hacks he managed to eek out a request for cough medicine.

The Pharmacist was a bit alarmed and asked how she handled the customer since he didn’t leave her with any instructions to filling requests of this nature.

She cheerfully reached under the counter and handed him a bottle and said “I told him to take these.”

“Are you kidding me? This is not cough medicine, theses are laxatives! How the hell is this going to help him?” he exclaimed.

The blonde replied, “I don’t know but I do know that he’s afraid to cough now”

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:01 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

We have many of.............

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state Idaho, Nebraska, Arizona and California.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Californian.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the lady from Arizona.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the lady from Arizona opened the car door and pushed the Californian out.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:06 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Peanut Fortunes

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, the peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go
out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being
informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut
out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew,
the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:08 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

How to Weigh

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig.

When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig.

The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and
bobbed his head up and down.

He then told the city slicker that the pig was too
heavy -- it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe
that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.

The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times

and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on.

The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have
her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes
came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:09 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Choking

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick maneuver really works!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:12 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Self Punishment??? Can I ?

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury
and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back
door and into the tool shed out the back of the barn. She put his
tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up an old carpenters saw. The banged up
cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut if off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam
of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said
"Nope. I'm going to set this shed on fire and go to town for a cold
beer. You do whatever you have to!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:17 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Moral of the story

An important executive was telling friends at his country
club about some of his experiences.

"So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I
took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.
Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit
another plane on the field and burned up. Then I married
this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home than I
found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to
divorce her."

"So what's the moral?" one of the others asked.

"Clear as a bell," said the executive.

"If it swims, flies, or fucks, lease it, don't buy it."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:19 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Nun,s Story

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to
do one sin each.

So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.

She said, "I had sex with a guy."

The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.
Soshe did!

The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.

She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."

So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water.
So she did!

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.

And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:20 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday September 13, 2005

"In My Congregation"

"In My Congregation"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the
serenity of a country dipping pond.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed,
the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very
old ladies from town approached them. Unable to
get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest
covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes
back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi
why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied...

"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation,
it's my FACE that they would recognize."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:15 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday September 13, 2005

"Identification"

"Identification"

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads
immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded
but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after
the long flight and many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're
Jewish?"

"Yes."

"You come from Sudbury?"

"Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Emmanuel?"

"Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know
so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of
Temple Emmanuel is the only Rabbi I know who
performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle
and you're peeing in my shoe!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:17 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday September 13, 2005

Confused????

Lee Sum Wan "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?"
Mr. Sori "Yes, you can speak to me."
Lee Sum Wan "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."
Mr. Sori "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"
Lee Sum Wan "I'm Sum Wan. I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent."
Mr. Sori "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone!
But what's this urgent matter about?"
Lee Sum Wan "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe
Wan was injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now,
Avery Wan is going to the hospital."
Mr. Sori "Well, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that
isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"
Lee Sum Wan "You are very rude. Who are you?" Mr.
Sori "I'm Sori."
Lee Sum Wan "You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"
Mr. Sori "I'm Sori!"
Lee Sum Wan "I don't like your tone of voice, mister, and I don't care. Now give me your name!"
Mr. Sori "Look, lady, I told you already. I'm Sori! I'm Sori! I'm SORI!
You didn't even give me your name!"
Lee Sum Wan "I told you before, I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan! You better be careful, man. My father is Sum Buddy.
And my uncle holds a very prestigious position in the family business. He is Noe Buddy."

Mr. Sori (sarcastically) "Oh, I'm so scared. Look, I don't care about your uncle he's a nobody.
Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an important position in the company."
Lee Sum Wan "No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there."
Mr. Sori "Like I said, I don't care which one of your aunts sleeps
around, and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez! Now,
which one of my employees do you want to talk to?"
Lee Sum Wan "Wheech Wan is my sister!"
Mr. Sori "I don't know which one is your sister! How in God's name would I know that?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:26 PM

1 Comments

Thursday September 15, 2005

Talking Dog?????

A boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through
the semester,

he has foolishly squandered what money his parents
gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that
modern education are coming up with!

Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do
I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,
"I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3
way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,

"but you just won't believe this - they've had such
good results with this program,

that they've implemented a new one to teach the
animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have
to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.

When he gets home, his father will find out that the
dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was
in the living room kicking back in the recliner,

reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around

with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "Oh, shit I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:01 PM

1 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

Blond Convict

Blond Convict

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed
to take one item with them to help occupy their time while
incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you
bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The English convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of
games."
The third convict, a RedKneck, was sitting quietly aside, grinning
to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What
did you bring?"
The Redneck convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to
this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:29 PM

0 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

Subsitute For A Flu Shot

Subsitute For A Flu Shot

An oldie but very funny...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top
of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon
it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would
tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep
it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter."
So, who needs a flu shot!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:30 PM

0 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

St Peter

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are
greeted by St. Peter who says to Hef,

"You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with
your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the
kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having
even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up
under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and
gnash your teeth for all eternity."

Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100
feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following
close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans
closer to Hef and whispers in his ear... "Tits"

A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell.

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says,

"You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with
your sexy looks and provocative behavior. You have only one
chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that
tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap
door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you
will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity."

Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close
behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to
whisper in her ear.

A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:31 PM

0 Comments

Sunday September 18, 2005

Reward of Charity

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
===============

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:35 PM

0 Comments

Thursday September 22, 2005

Effects of Jewish Fly

A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her,
so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."
The bartender says, "It won't work."
"What do you mean, it won't work?"
"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch.
You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"
"Okay," says the guy. "How about this you got any Spanish fly?"
"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."
"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"
"I don't know I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"
"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way
to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops
the stuff in the woman's drink.
Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden
he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering
hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore!
.......You excite me so much...take me shopping!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:19 PM

0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

"Fast Drivers, Dead Chickens"

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said,
"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said
SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff,
"Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him,
"Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words
SLOW NUDIST COLONY

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:57 AM

0 Comments

Friday September 23, 2005

Empty cans

A little boy went up to his mother one day while holding his stomach and said, "Mum, my stomach hurts."
His mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
Later that day when the Priest was over for dinner, the Priest began to feel sick. Holding his head he said, "I have a very bad headache!"
The little boy looked up at him giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.
Then he said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:02 AM

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Friday September 23, 2005

Proud Terrorists Fathers

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:04 AM

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Friday September 23, 2005

Elephant's Nuts

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:05 AM

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Friday September 23, 2005

Discrimination

"When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:07 AM

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Monday September 26, 2005

'Fascinate'

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to
the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was
fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said,
"My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was
"fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good,
Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,'
so she called on him. Little Johnny said, " My sister has
a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so damn big,
she can only fasten eight."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:25 AM

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Wednesday September 28, 2005

Hard Questin-Easy Answer

One day there were three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to enter.

St. Peter approached them and asked the first nun,
"Do you know who the first man was on earth?"
She said, "Ummm that's tough ... Adam?"

Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

Then St. Peter went to the second nun and asked,
"Do you know who the first woman was on earth?"
She said, "Ummmm ... Eve?"
Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked in.

St. Peter then asked the third and last nun,
"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun said, "Hmmmm, that's a hard one."
Bells rang, angels sang, the gates opened, and she walked right in.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:43 AM

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Wednesday September 28, 2005

Important men in a woman's life.

Important men in a woman's life.

1. A Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. A Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. A Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the
front or the back?"

4. A Beautician - who asks her "do you want it teased
or blown?"

5. An Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's
inside, you will love it!"

6. A Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out
too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. And most important...
A Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always
shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps
telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:44 AM

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Wednesday September 28, 2005

The Cow From Texas

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped
giving milk. The people did some research
and found they could buy a cow up in Texas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Texas and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time,
and the people were pleased and very
happy. They decided to acquire
a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close
to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and
decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her
from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she
walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow in Texas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had
never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Texas?"

The Vet replied with a distant look
in his eye, "My wife is from Texas"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:46 AM

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Wednesday September 28, 2005

Free Sample

A young mother sat down on the bus next to an older woman.
“What a sweet baby!” exclaimed the older woman. “How old is he?”
“Thank you, ma’am,” said the young mother. “
He’ll be three months old this week.”

“I met traveling salesman at a dance at the town hall a year ago.
They always have so many things to sell.
This salesman is what my gramps used to call a flim-flam man.
Well to make a long story short this salesman asked me out.
I promised my gramps I wouldn’t sign nothing and gramps let me go."
Oh that is sweet, but you didn’t sign any contracts…
those traveling salesmen can be persistent.” The older woman sighed sagely.

“Well, I didn’t sign anything,” the young woman said proudly.
I kept a firm no on my lips until the end of the dance.
“Good For you! And what’s your baby’s name honey?”
“Free Sample.”

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:48 AM

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Thursday September 29, 2005

"Bubeleh"

"Bubeleh"

Before Mrs. Schwartz sent her son off for his
first day at school she hugged him and said,
"Good Luck my bubeleh, be good, be nice,
bubeleh and work hard and remember, bubeleh,
at lunchtime, eat all your food and play nicely
with all the other children. Oh, my bubeleh, I'm
so very proud. Remember, bubeleh, Mommy
loves you very much."

That afternoon, when the little Schwartz returned
home, his mother exclaimed, "Bubeleh, my
bubeleh, give mommy a hug! What a beautiful
bubeleh you are. So, tell Mommy, what did you
learn at school today?"

"Well", said the boy, "I learned that my name is
Sammy."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:19 AM

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Thursday September 29, 2005

"Principles Of Jewish Buddhism"

"Principles Of Jewish Buddhism"

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your
stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such round
shoulders.

2. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is
another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle
maintenance, do the following get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

5. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you
never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And
whose fault was that?

6. If there is no Self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands
nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao
does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The
Tao is not Jewish.

9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction. With the third sip, eat
a Danish.

10. Be patient and achieve all things. Haggle and
get them cheaper.

11. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you
are 10,000 flowers. Each flower blossoms 10,000
times. Each blossom has 10,000 petals. You might
want to see a specialist.

12. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that
so complicated?

13. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then, what do you have? Bupkes!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:20 AM

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Thursday September 29, 2005

"Religious Differences"

"Religious Differences"

Sammy Goldenberger, a little boy, was walking down
a dirt road after shul one Saturday afternoon when
he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl,
Sarah Edelman coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said Sam.

"Hi," replied Sarah.

"Where are you going?" asked Sam.

"I've been to Temple this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered Sarah.

"Me too," replied Sam. "I'm also on my way home
from shul."

"Which shul do you go to?" asked Sam.

"I go to Beth Shalom, a conservative Temple back
down the road," replied the Sarah. "What about you?"

"I go to Anshe Shalom, an Orthodox shul back at
the top of the hill," replied Sam.

They discovered that they are both going the same
way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring
rains had partially flooded the road so there was
no way that they could get across to the other side
without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sabbath dress wet my Mom's going
to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Shul suit
wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm
going pull off all my clothes and hold them over my
head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going
to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the
other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip
dry before putting their clothes back on when the
little boy finally remarked.... "You know, I never did
realize before just how much difference there really
is between Orthodox and Conservative."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:21 AM

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Thursday September 29, 2005

"Terrorists At The Shul"

"Terrorists At The Shul"

Just before Rosh HaShana, a team of terrorists
invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor
and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a
million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.

The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner
and inform them that things look bad and they're
going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show
that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each
hostage one wish.

"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've
been working on my Rosh HaShana Sermon. What
a waste to die now without having carried it before an
audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour - ninety minutes long tops." They promise to grant him the wish.

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally
gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste
to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about
45 minutes long - then I'll go happily." The terrorists
promise to grant the cantor his wish too and then
turn to the shul president.

"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes,
"Shoot me first!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:24 AM

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Tuesday October 04, 2005

I want a Divorce

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is sex,
I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him
every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen,
$20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand.
"That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:28 PM

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Thursday October 06, 2005

Poetry ! Any One!

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

Man My wife will kill me.

Bartender Take her some candy.

Man She is on a diet.

Bartender Take her some flowers.

Man She has allergies.

Bartender Tell her a poem.

Man She loves poems... But I don't know any.

Bartender Here is one for you. The Bartender recites

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS BENEATH THINE EYES
PASSION LIES AND
THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE
-"Shakespeare"

Man I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

Wife You better not have been drinking!

Man Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife It had better be good.

The man starts to recite the poem...

YOU BABYLONIAN BI*CH ..
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE T*TS.
BETWEEN YOUR T*IG*S A PU**Y LIES
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY PEC*ER RISE.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:03 PM

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Thursday October 06, 2005

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't
perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular
morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the
county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the
"No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else
but a politician could figure out how to win two of
the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren't looking.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:06 PM

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Thursday October 06, 2005

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.

And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:21 PM

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Saturday October 08, 2005

Beer and Bear

A Bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:38 AM

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Monday October 10, 2005

Medical Miracle

A gentleman is undergoing a vasectomy.
During the delicate operation, one of his testicles falls onto
the floor and before the nurse can pick it up, the doctor steps on it.

The doctor tells the nurse, "Don't worry, we can replace it.
Get me a very small onion."

She does and the doctor replaces the missing ball with the onion.

A few weeks later, the patient stops by to see the doctor,
who asks him what seems to be the problem.

"Well, it's like this," the patient replies.
"Every time I take a piss, my eyes water. Every time I come, I get heartburn,
and every time I pass a Burger King, I get a hard-on!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:57 AM

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Monday October 10, 2005

He has one too!!!!!!!

On their wedding night, Santa displays his di*k to his new
village virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.
She, of course, believes him.

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns,
only to be questioned by his new wife.

"Santa," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world.
But Banta at the drug store has one, too."

"Well, er," Santa flusters, "Banta and I were in the war together,
I had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big one?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:04 AM

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Wednesday October 12, 2005

A Drugstore

Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:13 AM

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Wednesday October 12, 2005

The Divorce Letter

Dear Meg,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Meg ."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Erie House and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Meg? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Meg , I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Meg ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a girl and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Meg, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole oral thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm cheking your baby sister's dental cavities, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Meg. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.

Love, Jimmy

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:37 AM

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Wednesday October 12, 2005

Substitute for women

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:37 AM

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Wednesday October 12, 2005

The pearly Gates

The pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 AM

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Wednesday October 12, 2005

Two women playing Golf

Two women playing Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:40 AM

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Wednesday October 12, 2005

An old Cowboy

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:42 AM

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Thursday October 13, 2005

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going
into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not totry it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who
has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as
much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few
times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get
some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping
up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for
the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest
of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:23 PM

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Thursday October 13, 2005

Looking for sale!!!!!!!!!

Q Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:25 PM

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Thursday October 13, 2005

Do not drop your keys at Pearly Gates........

Once, a man from San Francisco died and went up to
heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was waiting for him.

After reviewing the man's records Saint Peter said, "I
see here that you are a homosexual."

"That's correct" said the man "Is that a problem?"

"Well, It's kind of frowned upon up here but as I see
you've led an otherwise exemplary life I've decided to let you
in. Follow me," he said, opening the gate.

After a short walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally
fell on the ground. He bent over to pick up the keys.

The gay man took one look and just couldn't resist, so
he jumped on St. Peter and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you ever do that again,
you'll go straight to hell!" he yelled.

A few days later another guy from San Francisco
arrived at the Pearly Gates. St Peter reviewed his records
and found that he was also gay but, as before, he decided
to give him a break and let him in.

"Follow me," he said.

They passed through the gates and once again St. Peter
fumbled his keys and they dropped on the ground. The gay man,
unable to control himself, jumped on him and pumped away.

Saint Peter was even more furious than before, "If you
ever do that again, you'll go straight to hell!" he yelled

A week later a third guy from San Francisco arrives in heaven.

Once again St. Peter checks the records and once again
he finds that the guy is Gay. "Follow me," he says and they
head off down the path.

Suddenly St. Peter spins around with a look of panic on his face,
his hands flying up and down his robes.

"What's the matter?" asks the guy.

"I can't find my keys!!" cries St. Peter.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:29 PM

0 Comments

Monday October 17, 2005

Sales Pitch

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for
water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll
tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice
restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all
the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in
without a tie."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:05 PM

0 Comments

Monday October 17, 2005

Too smart for the 1st grade

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry "9"
Principal "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms. Brooks "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry "Pants"
Ms. Brooks What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:09 PM

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Wednesday October 19, 2005

Sinned

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:21 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday October 19, 2005

"The Origins"

From where comes the origin of "Kiss My A*s"?

It was in the great market in ancient Rome that
Marcus Brutus Goldstein, a poor tailor, made Togas
and sold them at his stall in the marketplace.

As was his wont, he shouted out his wares for
sale, "Togas! - Finest Togas in all Rome!" he
would shout, but alas, business was not good.

Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather
was getting rather cold, he could increase business
by lining the garments with a fine quality wool lining.

Marcus agreed and proceeded to line his Togas
using the finest quality Kashmir lining.

And so, from that day forward, he could be heard
loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the
market place, "Kashmir in togas!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:26 PM

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Wednesday October 19, 2005

"Wishful Wish"

A Jew was lost in the desert when all of the sudden
he finds a bottle of Coca-Cola. As he was very thirsty,
he opens and from inside comes out a genie.

The genie says to him, "I live in this bottle, and I am
the one-wish genie. Please tell me what do you wish."

The Jew thinks for a moment, takes a map from his
pocket, shows to the genie and says, "I wish peace
for the middle-east. I wish Muslims and Jews can
finally leave in peace, forever."

The genie looks to him and says, "Sir.. please get real!!
The Muslims and Jews have been fighting for so long
as I can remember, and even I, with all my power,
cannot change that... please let me have something
real this time!"

The Jew felt really sad, and finally said, "Well, then
please get a me a perfect wife... one that loves me
all the time, one that lets me go out with my friends
whenever I want, one that allows me to drink my beer
and see my game, one that never stresses me, one
that hates credit cards and that never gets angry at
anything, and one that has a great mother, so I will
have the perfect marriage!"

The genie thinks for a moment and then says,
"Hmmmm... let me see that map again!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:28 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday October 19, 2005

"So Who Stole His Clothes?"

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict
in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I
commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...
...When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through
deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became
thirsty and needed water.

So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the
sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water.
And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses
wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side
of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.

Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his
clothes have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the
Palestinians stole his clothes."

Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and
screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no
Palestinians there at the time!!!"

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my
speech..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:30 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday October 19, 2005

"Sex on the Sabbath - a Mitzvah or a Sin?"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath
is a sin. The answer, he feels, hinges on
whether sex is considered work or play. He
is determined to find out. He therefore decides
to ask a priest for his opinion.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My
son, I've done exhaustive research, and I have
come to the conclusion that sex is work hence,
it is not permitted on Sundays."

Dissatisfied with the answer, the man thinks
to himself, "What does a priest know about
sex anyway?"

He decides, therefore, to ask a minister -
who is married with children who undoubtedly
is experienced in sex - for his opinion. After
querying the minister, he receives the same
answer "Sex is considered work consequently,
one is not allowed to engage in it on the Sabbath!"

Still not pleased with the response, he seeks
out the ultimate authority - a man of thousands
of years of tradition and knowledge - a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."

"Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others tell me that sex is work?" the man asks.

"Because," the rabbi responds, "if sex was
work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:32 PM

0 Comments

Thursday October 20, 2005

Thanksgiving

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 AM

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Thursday October 20, 2005

Adult Movies

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up
to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks
must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:42 AM

0 Comments

Thursday October 20, 2005

This Job Is For Mama

An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until they're married and then sleep at the girl's mother's house on their wedding night.
After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up there."
Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well."
When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.
She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!"
Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.
She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!"
Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mom said, "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:44 AM

0 Comments

Thursday October 20, 2005

WARNING

SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST.

IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING
A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS.

THIS IS A SCAM. HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Signed,

The Blonde

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:50 AM

0 Comments

Thursday October 20, 2005

Birthday Present

Birthday Present

A farmer sent his 18 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.
"See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said.
In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..."
"Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 18 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck."
"Sure," said the boy.
When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.
When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:30 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday October 26, 2005

Women! Have All The Money You Want

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda
says, where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you
get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking
her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a
hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once
in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like
how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:26 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday October 26, 2005

The Pickle Factory

Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:29 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday October 26, 2005

A Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!

Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.

The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:32 PM

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Friday October 28, 2005

The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:46 AM

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Friday October 28, 2005

"The Nussbaums"

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and
partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers and
after many years they decided to Anglicize their
names and henceforth the firm should be known
as the Nuss Brothers.

After completing the legal paperwork, they informed
the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she
should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."

"I quit," said Ethel.

"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will
be the same!"

"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't
want to answer and find that the caller says he
wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say.....

"Yes Sir which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:50 AM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

In A Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled

the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in

a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a

time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:35 PM

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Monday April 11, 2005

Final Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consisted of

yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at

the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes

out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the

answer sheet Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is

all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the

last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and

sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:36 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Well, She Did Say Anything.

The young wife tied herself up with a sign on her "When you get home, you can do anything." Her husband came home and saw the sign and he did..... he went golfing with his buddies.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:19 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Gone Fishing

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes

his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch

made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook

up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down it is like a

torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is

blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He

finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in

the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out

fishing in that shit?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:34 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Virgin After 10 Marriages

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a virgin".
"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative he kept telling me how
great i was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector all he ever did was.. . God I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:07 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Naked Accident

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.
When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"
She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:21 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Boys Talk

There's 2 guys in a bar, One says "Did your hear the news - Our mate is dead!" "My God, what happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "Gosh, what a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"Damn it, what a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banisters poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"Dammit man, he was wrecking my fucking house!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:33 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Doctor's Way

A man went to his doctor with a painful stomach complaint. Doctor examines him and points out that inserting a suppository up his anal passage will cure it. The doctor volunteered to demonstrate first time in his office with a caution it would be painful.

The patient bends over and doctor shoves the thing up his ass and then gives him a package to try at home later before go to bed. Later man tries himself and finds it difficult to reach his behind and work on it. He calls his wife. His wife took one suppository put her one hand on his shoulder and with the other hand push suppository real easy.

The man screams, 'Damn! SOB."

"Why, I am sorry, did I hurt you, honey?" Wife said.
"No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor did that, he had both his hands on my shoulder!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:10 PM

2 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Writings On Hospital Charts:

Writings on hospital charts

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband

states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for

over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third

day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also

appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me

in 1993.

6. Discharge status Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally

alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another

hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably

insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past

three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for

lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of

her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car

for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and

accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus

sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he

took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt

we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other

abnormalities.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:37 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Permature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with permature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel your self getting ready to ejaculate, try startling your self."
The same day the man went to the store and bought hinself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife was in bed naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselfs in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, " How did it go?"
The man answered, " Not that well...When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face. Bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:49 PM

1 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Mermaid And Sex

On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman
and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke.
While looking out the window toward the pasture, she
saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the
field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could
she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a
depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as
the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the
situation, and he shot himself in the head.

The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (and
the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and
drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered
a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times
in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow
to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times,
he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid
drowned him in the river.

The second oldest son woke up. After discovering what
had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the
river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with
me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it
was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned
him in the river.

The youngest son woke up, saw his parents dead, the
dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided
that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down
to the river to throw himself in. And there he also
met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times
in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty
times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback
by this request.

Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a
row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his
request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have
sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring
everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that
thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow when I had sex with them?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:53 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Twenty Ways To Say Your Fly Is Open:

1.The cucumber has left the salad.
2..I can see the gun of Navarone.
3.Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
4.You've got Windows in your laptop.
5.Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
6.Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
7.Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
8.Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
9.You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
10.Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
11.Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
12.Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
13.Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
14.The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
15.Dr. Kimble has escaped!
16.You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
17.Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
18.You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
19.I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
20.I thought you were crazy now I see your nuts.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:05 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Penis Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy, asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse
Tracy,"
said Mr. Goldstein, "my penis died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing
her
patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh,
I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The
following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Penis
hanging
out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein,"
she
said,
"you shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put
your
penis
back
inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr.
Goldstein,
" I told
you yesterday that my penis died." "Yes, you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he
replied, "Today's the viewing."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:12 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Tantalizers

1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow ?

A The letter W
2. What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid ?

A Coconut
3. What's about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it and women love to get their hands on ?

A 100 bucks note
4. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?
A Bubblegum
5. What is that a woman has two and a cow has four ?
A.   Legs
6. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
A Chewing gum
7. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
A Crane
8. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up I get wet before you do.
A Tent
9. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

A Dentist
10. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
A Wedding Ring
11. All day long, it's in and out. I scharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

A Elevator
12. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
A     Nose
13. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box.When come, it's news.
A    Newspaper boy
14. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
A   Glove

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:08 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Engineers..... Go Figure Them Out

☺Two engineering students were walking across campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:55 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

Ranch

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.   Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, waiting for him.
       She quietly called him over to her.
    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
      Trembling, he did as she directed.
      "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
      "Now take off my socks." He did.
      "Now take off my skirt." He did.
    "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands   he did as he was told.
      "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly   pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear   my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:16 PM

0 Comments

Monday April 11, 2005

jewish Mothers

What if these people had Jewish mothers????

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER "This you call
a smile, after all the money your father and I
spent on braces?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still
should have written."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER "Why can't
you paint on walls like other children? Do you know
how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER "All right, if your're
not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take
your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER "Again
with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap
like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the
Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER "Of course
I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.
Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER "I don't care
where you think you have to go, young man,
midnight is long past your bed-time!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER "But it's
your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done
something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER "That's a good story!
Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years!"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER "At least,
Monica was a nice Jewish girl!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:52 PM

0 Comments

Sunday June 26, 2005

Auto Repair

A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:35 PM

0 Comments

Sunday June 26, 2005

Jesus did not know driving

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Little Johnny.

"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,

'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:43 PM

1 Comments

Sunday June 26, 2005

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues

Man "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man "What sins?"

Priest "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man "I'm Jewish."

Priest "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man "I'm telling everybody."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:47 PM

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Sunday June 26, 2005

S & M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:48 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday June 29, 2005

My son came home from school one day,

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me, or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.

I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs. I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test. The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch. And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?" "Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead. The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades. Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:30 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday June 29, 2005

Modern version of the Birds & the Bees.....

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-Up appeared and said

You've Got Male!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:34 AM

1 Comments

Wednesday June 29, 2005

London Train

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said,

"Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen love." He replied, It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,
"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that,the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 Pounds for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers..."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:42 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday June 29, 2005

Biscuit

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after
all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on
the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down picking
the dough up with her vagina.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee
that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his
life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding
night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed,
she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of
biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on
the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the
dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed
away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away.
"If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure
as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:45 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 05, 2005

Five Questions Most Feared by Men!

The five questions most feared by men are

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1 What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2 Do you love me? The proper response is "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3 Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4 Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ?

Question # 5 What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a
a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:10 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday July 06, 2005

"Bridge?

I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying
for a position in helping with the upkeep in a house I
was occupying in this small town Florida community.

When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm tellin' ya, it was the most ridiculous and sinful place I've ever worked.

My last night they were playing some kind of game called Bridge and a lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from the social pages of our town newspaper.

I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."

Then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

Well, I pretty near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then, when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, "You jumped me twice when you said you didn't have the strength for one more raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And I couldn't believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet another lady call out, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Well, with them shenanigans goin' on, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say,

"Well, I guess we'll all go home now, cuz this is the last rubber!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:04 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday July 06, 2005

Of Multiple Births

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis
hospital waiting room, while their wives were
in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
"Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some
obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to
the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he
answered.

"I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work
will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing
cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she
turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner.

She announced that his wife had just given birth to
quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining
his composure, he said

"I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.

The nurse rushed to his side and after some time,
he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear
him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over
nd over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:05 PM

1 Comments

Wednesday July 06, 2005

Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream
shop.

The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The
wife says, "I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head
and says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him
in the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life
a man wants

The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big
house. You seen that nice big house on top of the
hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:09 PM

0 Comments

Thursday July 07, 2005

Choosing a profession

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.

Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.

If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o. k. too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:53 AM

3 Comments

Thursday July 07, 2005

Wanted - Posted By Men

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:39 PM

0 Comments

Friday July 08, 2005

Smart Dog

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer he is a sniffing dog, the best there is I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and shits all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:25 AM

0 Comments

Friday July 08, 2005

Doggie style

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

he little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Bell over here. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

YOUR GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:26 AM

1 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who walk through airport
turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man that cooks carrots and pees
in same pot, very unsanitary.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:34 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Play On Words

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke
it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll
show you A flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia the LAN down
under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was
never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center,
you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of
gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-
know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine
and made a spectacle of himself.
32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen
door and strained himself.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:36 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Bumper Stickers

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Fight Crime Shoot Back!

(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph

Guys No Shirt, No Service
Gals No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals Some Just Make Better Pets.

And Lastly
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:38 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Things That Makes Go hmmmmm

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our

government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,

it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a

Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not

Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of

lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work

environment!

And Last but not least.....

George CARLIN said it best about Martha Stewart ..

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson,Michael Jackson and Kobe Bryant, are still walking around Osama Bin Laden too. But they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:42 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Blonde Inventions

1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10)Water-proof tea bag

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:48 AM

2 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Courage

Courage is when a man, after a wild evening with the "boys'", arrives home and finds his wife waiting for him, ready with a broomstick in her hands to assault him, has the courage to ask " Are you still busy cleaning the house or are you flying off somewhere"?

Exceptional Courage is when a man arrives home late at after a night out with the "boys", surrounded by liquor fumes, with lipstick on his collar, who then slaps his wife on her behind and says " Come on honey, it's your turn next!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:44 AM

1 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:46 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

What will be our child's name?

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone. Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her Mom said,

"It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'What will be the name of our baby?', that will scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and, little by little, kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... she stopped him and asked him 'What will be the name of our baby?',

He ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and said, "...if he gets out of this one...David Copperfield!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:51 AM

5 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

Man has 17 parts that wan't work

Man has 17 parts that won't work
10 nails that won't nail
2 tits that won't give milk
1 belly button that won't button
2 balls that won't roll
1 cock that won't crow
1 ass that won't work

What the hell are you laughing about?

You have a pussy that won't catch mice

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:13 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 09, 2005

A Man and a Frog

This guy walks into his doctor's office and tells the Doc he has a major problem. The Doc Asked, what is it?

The man said he can not have sex. Why asked the Doc. The man replied, "My penis is too long and no woman will go to bed with me."

The Doc said "let me take a look." The man rolled his pants down and the Doc almost fainted. 25 inches of penis. The Doc said Sorry but I know of no medical procedure that will help.

But..........at the edge of town there is a witch who might be able to cast a spell on you.

Dejected the man left the office and said to himself--nothing ventured nothing gained and off to the witch he went. He told her of his problem and she too wanted to see. She said WOW there is no spell I can cast that will help. But.............. If you go behind my house into the woods, You will eventually reach a pond. On the far shore you will see a big ugly frog. Ask her to marry you. If she says NO and it works, Your penis will shrink by 5 inches.

The men left and walked and sure enough he found the pond and low and behold there was the frog on the far shore. He yelled Hey frog, will you marry me?
She replied NO! he felt a tingle rolled his pants down and was amazed . His penis shrunk to 20 inches.

He said to himself, great!!! this worked but it is still too long. He yelled again, Hey frog, will you marry me? The frog replied --NO! he felt the tingle again and sure enough it shrunk by additional 5 inches to 15.

He said to himself. That’s great but still not enough. He yelled again. FROG, will you marry me?

The frog replied NO! NO! NO! for the last time.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:16 AM

4 Comments

Sunday July 10, 2005

Cure for ED

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with Billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The witch doctor replies "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned It will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the witch doctor had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, What did you say 123 for?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:53 AM

0 Comments

Sunday July 10, 2005

Jewish Golf

Two golfers who played every weekend would
come to work and be in sheer rhapsody talking
about their game. One man who also was a
golfer and not of their faith asked if he could
play with them. They told him they play at
restricted golf course for Jewish people only.

"What can I do to play with you?" he asked.

So they came up with an idea, "Tell anyone
who asks that your name is Ginsburg. And
for a living you make talises." So it was all
arranged and they had a great game.

After the game, they were standing around
having a drink when a little Jewish man
approached and asked the stranger, "What
is your name, I have never seen you here
before." He answered, "Ginsburg."

"And what do you do for a living?"

"I make talises."

The man said, "Am I glad to know you. On
my talis it is written something in Hebrew.
Can you tell my what that means?"

The man answered, "I am sorry, I can not
tell you. I make the sleeves."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:14 AM

0 Comments

Sunday July 10, 2005

Beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench
in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and
one a Star of David. Both are holding hats
to collect contributions.

People walk by, lift
their noses at the man with the Star of David
and drop money in the hat held by the man
with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with
the cross is filled and the hat of the man with
the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the
men. He turns to the man with the Star of
David and says "Young man. Don't you
realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll
never get any contributions in this country
holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the
man with the cross and says "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:16 AM

0 Comments

Sunday July 10, 2005

A girl name Nokkie Green

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "My son, who is "Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's and stop your sinning."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly, a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching, shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy draw a long breath and then gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart directly in front of them.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:06 AM

1 Comments

Sunday July 10, 2005

Tired of lawn mowing? Hir Bubba

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him.

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba comes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look. Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."

Bubba laughed and said,

"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times."

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:54 AM

1 Comments

Sunday July 10, 2005

Cardiologist's Funeral

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyesstared at him, he said, "I'm sorry I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!".

At that point, the proctologist fainted

Posted by ShashiBansal at 12:01 PM

1 Comments

Monday July 11, 2005

Man In Heaven

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.

But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.

Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout "Tom, Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:33 AM

0 Comments

Monday July 11, 2005

Hospital

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?"
The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them."
Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:34 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 12, 2005

Get

The judge had come to what he though was the
end of a settlement conference regarding a young
orthodox Jewish couple who were getting a divorce.
When all appeared to be settled he asked, "Is there
anything else?"

The wife replied, "Yes! I need a 'get'."

"What?" said the Judge.

At that point the husband's attorney explained 'get' was
a Jewish divorce and that his client had no objection
of including that in the Judgment Of Divorce.

The soon to be ex-wife, realizing the Judge's lack of
knowledge regarding the Jewish religion asked, "Judge.
Do you know the difference between a get and a bris?"

"No" said the Judge. What is the difference?

"With a 'get" she explained "You get rid of the whole
schmuck!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:27 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 12, 2005

"Winning Toast"

"Winning Toast"

Morris Cohen hoisted his schnapps and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of my life, between
the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the club for the
best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won
the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "That's nice. . . And what was your toast?"

Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life,
sitting in shul beside my wife."

"Oh Morris, that is very nice indeed!" Barbara said.

The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "Morris won the prize the other
night at the club with a toast about you, Barbara."

She said, "Sure, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears
to make him come."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:33 AM

1 Comments

Wednesday July 13, 2005

"Newspapers"

A Ukrainian "pan" (wealthy merchant) and a Jew
happen to travel in the same compartment of a
train. And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian
is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish,
so this is how their discussion goes

Pan "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three
sorts of newspapers when travelling one Ukrainian
which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap
my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to
wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this
way your behind is apt to become more clever than
your head?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:49 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday July 13, 2005

"Doctor's Advice"

An 80 year old Jewish man was having an annual
physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart
with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart
murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Well, yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half...

the LOOKING or the THINKING???"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:54 AM

0 Comments

Thursday July 14, 2005

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty,
slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative,
intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:15 AM

0 Comments

Thursday July 14, 2005

Drunk Lady and The Reverend

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:17 AM

0 Comments

Thursday July 14, 2005

Who enjoys it more?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about
who enjoyed sex more.

The man said "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think
we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything" the woman countered. "Think about this
when
your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle
it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your
finger?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 4:57 PM

2 Comments

Saturday July 16, 2005

Women' Choice

A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could build him a new dick, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $10,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:51 AM

0 Comments

Monday July 18, 2005

Deceased

It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death
and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to
the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave
and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to
show that the deceased is remembered.

She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while
since she had been there, she is confused and
cannot find poor Herman's grave site.

Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper
who escorts her to a small chapel on the
cemetery grounds where the records are kept.

Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally
turns to the widow and says, "I can find no
record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here.
The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."

"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put
everything in my name.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 2:42 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 19, 2005

"Rabbi's Advice"

Man Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it.

Rabbi what's wrong?

M My wife is poisoning me.

R How can that be?

M I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning
me, what should I do?

R Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know.

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

R Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her
on the phone for three hours. You want
my advice?

M Yes.

R Take the poison.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:14 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 19, 2005

"Last Wish"

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane
flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop
functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island
and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of
cannibals and taken to their village.

The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals
are civilized and they have a custom on their island
that before they eat anyone, they grant that person
his or her last wishes, no matter what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all
the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The
Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who
immediately run into the jungle and come back with
the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his
meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked "What is your last wish?"

He replies "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd
also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French
manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who
immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back
everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and
drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is
your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and
replies "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard
as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the
Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want
you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to
turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can.

With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the
Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot,
look at the Israeli and say

"If you had that gun why didn't you do anything
sooner?"

The Israeli replies "What? And risk being
condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department
for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:44 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 19, 2005

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said Dave, don't cry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go. "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

Whispering...

Dave.............

Dave.............

Dave.............

................you're a veterinarian."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:50 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday July 19, 2005

Oh.. Sh*t I missed It

All people are not created equal. A Catholic
priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing,...He missed the ball entirely and said
"Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language. On
his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed,"

"Father, I'm not going to play golf with you if you
keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest
promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment
followed. Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to strike you dead if
you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of
lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister
Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice,
"Shit, I missed." !!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:51 PM

0 Comments

Thursday July 21, 2005

Bear Hunter or what?????

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap
on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you
to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two
weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out
on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The
grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got
two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY
rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he
survived, it would take several months before Frank finally
recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to
track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here
for the hunting, do you?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:17 AM

0 Comments

Friday July 22, 2005

"You've got to keep that old motor running".

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running".

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running".

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well!

You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running".

The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
____________________________________________

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:40 AM

0 Comments

Saturday July 23, 2005

Weird Q & A

Q What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A 1 U.S. leader

Q What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But 1 time
out of 100 you get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water....

Q Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and
car with them.

Q What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A A cherry float.

Q What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A Beat it - we're closed.

Q. Why do men love blowjobs so much?
A. They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.

Q. How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A. Douche with beer.

Q. Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?
A. (1) The DNA is the same.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
A. When you open her legs, a light goes on!

Facts

1. Budweiser beer is named after a town in Czechoslovakia.
2. It's illegal in Alabama to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in
church.
3. Babies are born without kneecaps.
4. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
5. A cubic yard of air weighs about 2 pounds at sea level.
6. The total mileage driven by all U-Haul trucks in a year is enough to move
a person from the Earth to the moon five times a day for an entire year.

--I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.

--In Germany, paramedics rescued this 40 year-old man, who got his manhood stuck in the vacuum cleaner. The man told authorities, his relationship with his vacuum cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't want any attachments.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:28 AM

0 Comments

Monday July 25, 2005

Good, Bad and Ugly ( In English and Spanish)

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

o bom, o ruim e o realmente ruim(feio)

VARIAS SITUACOES

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
1. Good Your wife is pregnant.

BOM sua esposa esta gravida

Bad It's triplets.

RUIM saum trigemeos

Ugly You had a vasectomy five years ago.

REALMENTE RUIM vc fez vasectomia a cinco anos atrais

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
2. Good Your wife's not talking to you.

BOM sua esposa naum esta falando com vc

Bad She wants a divorce.

RUIM ela qr se divorciar

Ugly She's a lawyer.

REALMENTE RUIM ela eh advogada

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx
3. Good Your son is finally maturing.

BOM seu filho esta amadurecendo

Bad He's involved with the Woman next door.

RUIM ele esta tendo um caso com a vizinha

Ugly So are you.

REALMENTE RUIM Assim vc eh (FEIO)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
4. Good Your son studies a lot in his room..* *

BOM seu filho estuda um monte no quarto

Bad You find several porn movies hidden there.

RUIM vc achou alguns filmes pornos escondidos la

Ugly You're in them.

REALMENTE RUIM vc esta neses filmes

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx
5. Good Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

BOM vc e seu parceiro concordaram em naum ter mais filhos

Bad You can't find your birth control pills.

RUIM vc naum consegue achar as pilulas anticonceptionais

Ugly Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

REALMENTE RUIM sua filha de 13 anos emprestou-as de vc

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xx
6. Good Your husband understands fashion.

BOM seu marido entende de moda

Bad He's a cross-dresser.

RUIM ele eh um "estilista"

Ugly He looks better than you.

REALMENTE RUIM ele se veste melhor q vc

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx
7. Good You give the "birds and bees" talk to your
daughter.

BOM vc esta tendo uma conversa sobre "passaros e abelhas" (SEXO)

Bad She keeps int! erruptin g.

RUIM ela fala sobre o ponto g

Ugly With corrections.

REALMENTE RUIM com correcoes

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx
8. Good The postman's early.

BOM o carteiro esta adiantado

Bad He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.

RUIM ele esta com uma espingarda

Ugly You gave him nothing for Christmas.

REALMENTE RUIM vc naum deu nd pra ele de natal
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
9. Good Your son is dating someone new.

BOM seu filho esta namorando com alguem novo

Bad It's another man.

RUIM eh um outro homem

Ugly He's your best friend.

REALMENTE RUIM eh o seu melhor amigo

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx
10. Good Your daughter got a new job.

BOM sua filha arranjou um novo emprego

Bad As a hooker.

RUIM ele eh garçonete (de bar de stripper)

Ugly Your coworkers are her best clients.

REALMENTE RUIM seu colegas de trabalho saum seus melhores clientes

Way ugly She makes more money than you do

REALMENTE MUITO RUIM ele esta ganhando mais grana q vc...

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:08 PM

5 Comments

Tuesday July 26, 2005

Steroids after effects

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids.

The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:22 AM

0 Comments

Monday August 01, 2005

An Honorable Profession

Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in
the tzedukah box in the shul. This went on for weeks
until the Rabbi, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

"Mrs. Ginzburg, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the tzedukah box," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends
me money, and what I don't need I give to the shul."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $2,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for
a living?"

"I believe he is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does
he practice?"

"Well.... he has one cat house in Chicago, and
another one in Dallas."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:39 AM

1 Comments

Monday August 01, 2005

"Health Concerns"

Arafat has gotten paranoid about his health lately,
and has ordered his doctors to give him every test
known to medical science to make sure he doesn't
have some terminal disease. After a long while, they
tell him he has been tested for everything they have
ever heard of, but he doesn't believe them. So,
knowing how good the Jews are in health care, he
sends his secret police to go spy on the Jewish
communities for a while to see what kinds of tests
they run on their own people.

The security chief finally reports back "Well, there's
one in particular that the Jews seem to think is very
important - it's called an IQ test."

Immediately Arafat arranges to have himself tested,
and is very relieved when they tell him that the results
were negative.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:42 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 03, 2005

"Rabbi in Hospital"

"Rabbi in Hospital"

A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital.
He became friends with the Sister who was a
nurse there. One day, she came into his room
and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was
missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi,
what have you done with the crucifix?"

"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured
one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:13 AM

0 Comments

Monday August 08, 2005

A Blonde's Diary

Dear Diary,

Monday Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's
fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the
recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat
the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to
bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look
startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some
water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda
silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the
rice any.

Thursday Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's.
So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there
one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked
if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong
with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked
the same as when I left it.

Saturday Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens
dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a
doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real
cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it
in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven,
because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am
eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:38 AM

0 Comments

Monday August 08, 2005

Adoption

Santa and his wife were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

Santa said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk.
We just want to be able to understand him."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:10 PM

2 Comments

Friday August 12, 2005

Two Woodpeckers

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker
to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaii
woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the
challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:24 AM

0 Comments

Friday August 12, 2005

Two Stockbrkers

The one said to the other,

"Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once."

"Good idea. Let's talk about women."

"Okay... common or preferred?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:29 AM

0 Comments

Friday August 12, 2005

Price for Sin

Price for Sin

A newly trained priest in a church priests group was asked to take over confession cubicle and offer penance to members. A man came, cried to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had an oral sex with another man."

The amateur priest was bewildered. He checked and checked but could not find the penance for an act of oral sex in the church maintained list of confessions and penance.

He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar
boy standing nearby, "Hey, boy, what does the head priest give for oral sex?"

With a weird smile, the boy replied, "Ten dollars and a bar of chocolate candy!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:32 AM

1 Comments

Monday August 15, 2005

Mandir Thodi Hai

Ladka Janeman is dil mein aaja.

Ladki Sandal nikalu kya?

Ladka Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:14 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 16, 2005

My Deepest Condolences

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks "Why the black panties?"
She replies "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks "What's with this .... a black condom?"
He replies "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:19 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 17, 2005

Bull

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he
looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish
with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his
order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that
the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight,
the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but
the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant,
but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes
to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought
out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to
the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand,
sometimes the bull wins''.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:58 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 17, 2005

Children's Names

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:11 AM

1 Comments

Wednesday August 17, 2005

Second Opinion - PriceLess

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men' clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit ." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, ?Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years".

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion ?- PRICELESS

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:17 AM

2 Comments

Thursday August 18, 2005

Dumb

Little Johnny was a business graduate, and had been out of school for
several years. He had established a furniture store and was doing quite
well. He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive
French furniture he knew no one else in town carried. He scheduled a
buying trip to France.

Little Johnny's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a
number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After
the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he
decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The
place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table. Just about the
time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the
empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed
she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of
French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word
of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a
question mark. She nodded her head "yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished,
Little Johnny realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another
napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She
nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the
street to a very nice restaurant. They went in. The girl spoke with the
head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear
the band playing and see the dance floor. Little Johnny could not read
the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After
dinner, Little Johnny took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple
dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the
band played, whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began
to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Little Johnny's pen. He
handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

Little Johnny is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in the

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:33 AM

0 Comments

Friday August 19, 2005

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... "

"And, here I am!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:47 AM

1 Comments

Saturday August 20, 2005

Salary !!

Ek Aadmi ne apni wife ko khat likha "Is mahine salary ke badle 100 kiss bhej raha hoon".
Wife ne jawab diya Aap key salary ke badle 100 kiss milay
Hisaab bhej rahi hoon -
Doodh wala 2 kiss mein maan gaya,
Teacher ko 7 deni padi.
Subjiwala 7 mein nahin mana is liye 9 deni padi.
Kiraewala sirf kiss se nahin mana - usko aur kuch bhi diya .. @$#%%^&*!!!!
Makaan malik to roj 6 -7 ley jata hai.
Aap chinta mat karna, mere paas abhi lagbhag 35 aur hai.
Mahina aaram se kat jayega.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:52 AM

0 Comments

Monday August 22, 2005

Funny

#1.)

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Blonde "Unfertilized."

=+=

#2.)

Man "So what do you do for a living?"

Blonde "Female impersonator."

#3.)

Q Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A 'Cause everybody gets a turn.

#4.)

Q Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

#5.)

Q What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate

before having sex?

A Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

#6.)

Q Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?

A *Who cares?*

#7.)

Q Why do blonds have orgasms ?

A So they know when to stop having sex !

#8.)

Q How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????

A She drops her nail-file!!!

#9.)

Q What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A "Thanks for the refill!"

#10.)

Q What is it called when a blonde blows in another

blond's ear?

A Data transfer.

#11.)

Q Why do blondes have more fun?

A They are easier to keep amused.

#12.)

Q How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1 "What's a lightbulb?"

A2 One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

#13.)

Q What's a blonde's favourite wine?

A "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

#14.)

Q What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A A whine cellar.

#15.)

Q What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of

accidents occur around the home?

A She moved.

#16.)

Q What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A1 They both have a black box.

A2 Both have a cockpit.

#17.)

Q What is the difference between a blond and a 747?

A Not everyone has been in a 747

#18.)

Q What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?

A Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:11 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 24, 2005

"Stranded"

"Stranded"

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week
vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the
Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have
ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us
and we should be able to land on the beach. However,
the odds are that we will may never be rescued and
will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands
safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife
and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check
for $100,000 to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $50,000 United Jewish
Appeal pledge?"

"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send
the $25,000 check for the Synagogue Building Fund
this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send
that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in
40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did
you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:21 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 24, 2005

"Jewish Couple"

"Jewish Couple"

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing
for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi
for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any
last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition
for men to dance with men, and women to dance
with women at the reception. But, we'd like your
permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.
Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with
my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah
(good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil,
a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:23 AM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 24, 2005

"Shabbat Custom"

"Shabbat Custom"

A young scholar from New York was invited to
become Rabbi in a small old community in
Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate
erupted as to whether one should or should not
stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz
in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you as
the oldest member of the community," said the
rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the
reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some
people stood, some people sat. The ones standing
started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to
stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the
ones standing, telling them to sit down... "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:26 AM

1 Comments

Thursday August 25, 2005

Tourist at Niagara Falls

Guide I welcome you all to Niagara Falls, these are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now, may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:16 AM

1 Comments

Thursday August 25, 2005

Marriage! Go figure

MEN
During Marriage ceremony
why is the bridegroom
made to sit on the horse?

He's given his last chance
to run away!!

WOMEN
During Marriage ceremony
why is the bride is smiling walking down the aisle?

She's given her last bl*w job.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 11:19 AM

0 Comments

Friday August 26, 2005

Secret of good health

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?

How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he hen he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!

How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to? She's pregnant!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:02 AM

0 Comments

Friday August 26, 2005

Puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:04 AM

2 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

"Towel"

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much
younger woman. No matter what the husband
does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard,
and makes the following suggestion

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you
are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on the desired event."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They
hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel
over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she
is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed."

Have the young man make love to your wife and
you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets
working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting,
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and
says to him triumphantly, "You see, you young
schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 10:01 AM

0 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

Homeland Security

Attorney General John Ashcroft recently met with President
Bush to share details of his latest anti-terrorism measures,
designed to prevent attacks on America while preserving
freedom and human rights for all law-abiding citizens and
visitors who don't look Arabic.

ASHCROFT "Mr. President, you'll be glad to know that the
FBI database has been improved. It now holds a comprehensive
list of groups and individuals that have given us trouble of
any sort, including Al Qaeda, Al Jihad and Al Gore."

BUSH "Al Gore? He's not a terrorist, is he?"

ASHCROFT "Probably not, Mr. President. But the FBI tapped
his phone line and heard him say he's targeting the White
House. We've been spying on him ever since he grew that
beard."

BUSH "Good idea, John. The beard was mighty suspicious.
Make sure you let me know if you spot him wearing a turban.
That's usually the next step. It would give us enough
evidence to detain him."

ASHCROFT "Yes, Mr. President. We're also starting a program
to fingerprint and photograph visitors from certain
countries, particularly the Islamic countries."

BUSH "Good idea, John. And let's not forget the Muslim
countries either."

ASHCROFT "Yes, Mr. President. We're trying to use a variety
of methods. That's why we're reorganizing the CIA. It will
now stand for Central Investigation of Arabs. We don't want
to put all our eggs in one basket."

BUSH "That's good, John! Remember money is no object. We
can always buy more baskets. We'll import them if we need
to."

ASHCROFT "Uh ... yes, sir, whatever you say. The ACLU
claims we're being discriminatory, but let's face facts One
out of ten Arabs hates America. That doesn't seem bad --
until you realize that only one out of 50 hates Salman
Rushdie. We need to look at the big picture. If only one out
of every 100,000 Arabs is a terrorist, that doesn't seem
like a problem. But if we allow a million of them to enter
the country, we're admitting 10 terrorists!"

BUSH "That's scary, John. But I have a solution Let's
allow only 999,990 to enter."

ASHCROFT "Yes, but how do we know which 10 to leave out?"

BUSH "Well, we can start with Louis Farrakhan. I never did
like him."

ASHCROFT "Uh ... he's African-American, sir. Would you like
us to detain him?"

BUSH "Yes, John, for at least a few decades. I noticed
you've detained several other people who aren't Arabs."

ASHCROFT "Yes, but they all have connections to the Arab
world. For example, we've detained a man named Levi Bara. If
you take the first letters of his names and move them to the
end, what do you get? Evil Arab. Just a coincidence? I don't
think so. We've also detained a woman named Greta Baily. If
you rearrange the letters of her names, what do you get?
Great Libya."

BUSH "That's scary. But isn't it hard to keep track of all
these names?"

ASHCROFT "Well, we're analyzing names using computer
software created by an Indian programmer named Prash Desai.
We hired him because his name -- you'll be glad to know --
can be rearranged to form Sharp Ideas."

BUSH "Wonderful! It's a good thing we grabbed him before
India did. Remind me to tell the Pakistani president,
Perverse Mushroom, that we did him a big favor."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 1:30 PM

1 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

Are you a Democrat, Republican or ....a Southern Republican?

Are you a Democrat, Republican or ....a Southern Republican?
Here is a little test that will help you decide........
Question

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises
the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer
......BANG!
Southern Republican's Answer
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:58 PM

0 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

"What's the name of your willy?"

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
"What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell methe name of your willy.

Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,

"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,

"So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,
"FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'"
And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,

"The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
"Why Secret?"

The cowboy says,
"Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'!!!!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:03 PM

0 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

Drunk Story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ass naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says

"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says

"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:07 PM

0 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

A Bridge in the Desert

A Bridge in the Desert

Two civil engineer Britishers were walking through the Sahara Desert.
One Brit asks the other, "Why are we walking through this desert and do nothing? Let us build a bridge in the name of queen for public benefit!"
The other one agrees and they started building the bridge.
Upon completion, they moved on to a city at the border of desert and one says to other, "Oh fools us, Why did we build a bridge in a desert where there is no water."
"Oh yes, you telling me now", the other one yells, "let us go back and dismantle it, before some calls it foolish Brits."
They hastily returned to the site of bridge and the first one says "Oh, we can not remove the bridge, it does have usefulness now. See there."
"Hey, why?" asked the other one.
"Look up, there are two Japanese standing on our bridge trying to catch a fish!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:11 PM

0 Comments

Monday August 29, 2005

I have saved up for 60 years

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.
Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old.
Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it.
Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:20 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

An Inexpensive Solution!

The phone rings.
The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 9:36 AM

1 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

New Medical Research

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:51 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

I am not finish!!!!!!!

A virile, young Brazilian man was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment,and after some small talk,
they retired to his bedroom for doin' what comes naturally.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No. " Surprised,
the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he
asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause,
she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young
man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking,
clawing and twisting the bed sheets.

The exhausted young man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again,
"You finish?

"Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear...

"No, I'm Norwegian

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:54 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

NOW THIS IS CONFIDENCE

What is the definition of confidence?

When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say,"You're next."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:00 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

The Duck Call and the Catfish Bait

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:07 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

Saint Patrick's Day

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink
was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "i t looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:12 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

Aids vs Cancer

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:14 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

Sex Connections

Sex Connections
Ole and Sven are neighbors in Wisconsin. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Minnesota.
He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.
He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."
Sven reaches under and pulls the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:17 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

Hazards of Drinking

Three drunks in the bar dying to get laid but just cant come up with an idea how to do it.
Finally one drunk looks up and says g*dd*mmit theresh a brothel right down the road from here the madam will hook us up.
so the three drunks take off for the madams place staggering all over the road, the madam sitting on the porch see's them coming and calls to one of the girls to run upstairs and inflate a love doll.
the girl questions this and the madam reassures her it will be fine as they are so drunk they wont be able to tell the difference with the light off.
the drunks arrive and the madam shows them to the parlor and says the girl will take them one at a time.
so the first drunk goes upstairs and about half an hour later comes downstairs where he is met with hey how was it man, well he says it was a bit cold and stiff but it was a piece of ass, so the second drunk goes up and again about half an hour later he comes downstairs and the other drunk asks him, how was it ?
well like he said , it was a bit cold and dead but it was a piece of ass.
So the third drunk goes up and returns about 45 seconds later,
the other drunks said damn man that sure was a quick piece of ass what the hell happened?
he says, oh that fucking bitch, I bent down to bite her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window !!!!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:19 PM

0 Comments

Tuesday August 30, 2005

The Colonel's Order

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 8:24 PM

1 Comments

Wednesday August 31, 2005

Sex Education

Sex Education
.
Tony came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Tony, what did you learn in school today?"
.
Tony replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
.
Grandma hauled off and slapped Tony hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Tony's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Tony?"
.
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
.
Tony's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn. It's called sex education!"
.
Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Tony, so she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she said, "Tony, when you're finished with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me, OK."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:36 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 31, 2005

Chinese Doctor

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.
A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.
Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."
"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:39 PM

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Wednesday August 31, 2005

A sweater for a chicken

Bubba was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a
notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Bubba could
not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked
the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"
The salesperson said "Yes, everything". Thinking this was too good to
be true Bubba said "OK then could I have a sweater for a chicken?"
The salesperson said "A sweater for a chicken? Hold on I will have to
check the stock out the back." Five minutes later, the salesperson
returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one sweater for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Bubba. "Three dollars." replied the salesperson.
"Three dollars for a sweater for a chicken - excellent." said Bubba. So
away he went as happy as can be. When he got outside he thought to
himself that maybe he should check out his purchase, so he looked
inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the
salesperson "Hey, I asked you for a sweater for a chicken and you have
given me a condom - what's going on?"
The salesperson replied, "Sorry buddy, I checked in the back and we seem
to be all out of sweaters for chickens, all we had left was a pullover for a cock."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:45 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 31, 2005

Know When you are Old?

Know When you are Old?

1] "OLD" IS WHEN
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
.
2] "OLD" IS WHEN
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
.
3] "OLD" IS WHEN
A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
.
4] "OLD" IS WHEN
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
.
5] "OLD" IS WHEN
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
.
6] "OLD" IS WHEN
You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.
.
7] "OLD" IS WHEN
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
.
8] "OLD" IS WHEN
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
.
9] "OLD" IS WHEN
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee.

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:46 PM

0 Comments

Wednesday August 31, 2005

Rodeo Sex

Rodeo Sex
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best"
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.
"What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each breast in your hands and
whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you
try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 7:48 PM

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Thursday September 01, 2005

Brain Scan

Musharraf went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:09 AM

2 Comments

Thursday September 01, 2005

Pig

Musharraf and his driver were going to Military Air Base and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Musharraf saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm Musharraf's driver and I just killed the pig."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:13 AM

0 Comments

Tuesday September 06, 2005

Cat Food

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she
suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for
my husband! He?ll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the
supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with
the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror
as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You
can make this for me any day.?

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill
while he was licking his butt."

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:42 PM

0 Comments

Thursday September 08, 2005

Persistency

Persistency

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband

starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and

says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment

tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,

rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over

and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist

appointment tomorrow too?"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:35 AM

0 Comments

Thursday September 08, 2005

Hotel Hospitality

Hotel Hospitality

The Italiano tourist wrote a complaint letter to the Manager of a hotel

in London. The letter read as follows

Dear Signor Diretorre

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am

comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a young man at

your hotella. When I comma in my room I see no shit in my bed.

How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?

I calla down the receptione and tell "I wanna shit". They tella me

"Go to the toillett". I said "No, no. I wanna shit in my bed". They

said "You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is

sonnawabitch?!

I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs an

two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I point to toast

"I wanna pisss". She tella me "Go to the toillett". I say "No, no.

I wanna piss on my plate". She then say to me "You bloody fella

better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person

who do not even know me and call me sonnawabitch! What is

sonnawabitch?

Later I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no

I tella waitress "I wanna fock", and shell tella me "Sure everybody

wanna fock". I tell her "No, No. You don't understand me. I wanna fock

on the table". She then tell me "So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock

on the table? Get your ass outa here!"

So I go to the receptione and ask I no wanna stay in your hotel no

more. When I have pay the bills, the porter say to me "Thank you

and peace be with you" I say "Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch"

I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella, you

sonnawabitch!

Posted by ShashiBansal at 6:36 AM

0 Comments

Monday September 12, 2005

Taken for a ride.....Again

There was this blonde woman sitting on a park bench
muttering to herself and
spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit.
A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so
he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why
not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we
have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes
go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up
speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've
got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to
do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500
foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an
overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I
just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if
you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've
ever had!"
She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

Posted by ShashiBansal at 5:58 AM

0 Comments

Jokes from ShashiBansal

About ShashiBansal

Latest Jokes by ShashiBansal

Farmer

Promotion

"Banged"

"Four Roses"

Don't Kiss The Frog

A population control program

TYPES OF GIRLFRIEND:

Irish Man

"Tonsils"

"Medical Condition"

"In The Mud"

"Little Johnny's Dinner Story"

"Clothes"

"Cow For Sale"

Questions that stumped Dear Abby!

Mother Superior !!!!

Thanksgiving Dinner

A Blonde............

"Assurance"

"Dog of a Kind"

"She's Special"

Politeness

The 8 why's of men

I AM A PRINCESS.....

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Calcium

**SOUTHERN SPEAK**

Husbands

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

Third Graders

"Kosher Talk"

"The Mourning After"

"About Affairs..."

"Bust of Stalin"

"Where Did I Go Wrong?"

"The Cantor"

A Xmas wish

Nasty! Check what your wife packs for lunch????

You jackass."

Honeymoon! Chinese Style

Dog named Mypenis

Chrimas Gift

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

Hot Sex

Prescription

Minimun?

Drunk

I was feeling fine but then he said????

Affair

Grandma!!!!

An Arkansas Farmer

Counting

IRS 1040 FORM

"Autumn of Life"

"Priceless"

"Coming Home"

You Might Be Blonde When...

You Can't Win!!!!

At The BAR..............

Sex Ed

In the Park....

"Kids say the damdest things"

Blonde Pharmacist

We have many of.............

Peanut Fortunes

How to Weigh

Choking

Self Punishment??? Can I ?

Moral of the story

Nun,s Story

"In My Congregation"

"Identification"

Confused????

Talking Dog?????

Blond Convict

Subsitute For A Flu Shot

St Peter

SOUTHERN SPEAK

Elephant's Nuts