Jokes from Soul_Man


About Soul_Man

Dr. Ranbir Sinha is Indian living abroad since 1981. His interests range from environment-protection to social-development, singing to scientific research, traveling to meditation.

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Latest Jokes by Soul_Man





Wednesday December 22, 2004

Mother Tongue (r-Rated)

You must have heard, in anger or panic, one starts to think and speak in mother tongue. So here is a true story.
------------------------------------------------------
A few years ago, when I was working in a company, my boss, a typical French-Swiss man, during a meeting started nitpicking on my report, e.g. "The page numbers you have given does not follow our norms,.... You wrote Strain-gauge as strain-gage (British vs. American)...." and so on. His technical knowledge isn't good so certainly couldn't understand the Engineering part of the report. And his English wasn't very good and was struggling to make his point, with a horrible French accent.

I jokingly and somewhat irritated said "Why are you being so bitchy?"

Some grinned, some got serious, some coughed, but he got quite annoyed

He - "Bitchy? What is Bitchy?"

In my anger I forgot my German and English and exclaimed "e ki lok re baba, Bichi jano na?" (in Bengali, "what kind of a man are you, don't know Ballocks?")

I realized what I said, I was the only one laughing my heart out. And then out of courtesy I had to translate it to the all present in the meeting.

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:17 PM
0 Comments

Saturday November 27, 2004

Women Would Love It (rated R)

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before



MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist .

AND ....

When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Send this to all the women you know to! brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them

Posted by Soul_Man at 12:18 PM
2 Comments

Friday September 24, 2004

Weired Uk Matrimonials (pg Rated)

Real "Personal ads" in the Dublin News
----------------------------------------------------------
Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the ar5e

end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in

cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 1130 PM.
------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:38 AM
2 Comments

Thursday October 14, 2004

I Wonder (rated- R)

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared.

Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Well, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

(Author unknown. e-mailed from a friend)

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:21 AM
2 Comments

Sunday August 08, 2004

Chinese Adam & Eve:

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:27 AM
1 Comments

Monday July 26, 2004

A Man In Newyork

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"

The man says - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning "Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?"
The man says - "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers prints headline "Islamic extremist kills American dog. Connections to terrorist networks are being investigated"

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:17 AM
2 Comments

Tuesday June 29, 2004

This Is Better Than Saing i Love You

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He

forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing

he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of

water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,

all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a

perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins

and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast

is on the stove I left early to go shopping. Love

you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a

hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is

also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what

happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A..M.,

drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in

the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you

stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in

order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table

waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the

bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,

you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

***************************************************
(Sorry this was not a joke or something funny,
This is better than saying "I love you"....... )

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:49 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday June 22, 2004

Clean Political Joke.

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush
is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and,
again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir"

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:13 AM
1 Comments

Thursday February 26, 2004

Smart Turns Dumb (adult Joke)

True story!
A close friend of mine was known to be a very smart Engineer, very witty and a good sprotsman. Always very happy jolly and talkative, everyone liked him.
There was a very pretty American girl who used to come to our parties, and my friend liked her a lot. There was only one problem whenever she was around, he would become very quiet, and not say anything to her, and act real dumb bore sitting at the corner sofa with a large drink holding on his lap. Everyone noticed the change in his behavior whenever she was around.
Finally one day after the party I asked him "Hey what's your problem, you don't seem to be shy at all, but when she is around you act like a moron, What's with you?"
He replied "I got only 5 litre blood just to fill one head, when she is around the head on my shoulder gets totally empty"

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:55 AM
0 Comments

Monday March 22, 2004

Old Joke (rated R)

Women's rights

All women got together marched to the heaven and their leader complained to the God,
"this is really unfair, men get to have the fun and we are pregnant for 9 months, got to go thought the labour, and all that. Can't you make it a bit fair?"

God thought for while and said "Ok you ladies will carry the baby the first 6 months, the easy time, and then the last 3 months the difficult time the father will carry the baby, happy?"

Women cheered and went back. The leader of the women was pregnant, the baby was slowly taking shape, growing inside, rolling and everything was just wonderful. On the day of the end of the six month, the baby disappeared from the womb of the woman. She called her husband and asked "so are you feeling anything in your tummy?"
"No, why? he asked. worry began, suddenly there was a scream out side the door, she hung up the phone, ran out to find the Postman lying on the doorsteps holding the tummy, crying loud in pain.

Women got back to the God, "You were right boss, I think your way is better, we will carry the baby and go though the pain, but no one should find out who the father is"

Posted by Soul_Man at 3:56 PM
3 Comments

Monday July 19, 2004

Guessing The Meanings Of Certain Words

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

Posted by Soul_Man at 12:22 PM
0 Comments

Friday July 09, 2004

Dirty Nurdy Joke, But Real.

My clever French friend from UK said
"I love Indian food! Especially Fal (the hottest you can get anywhere, a British invention). THe trouble is my mouth loves it, and my a$$ has to suffer the next day. Don't you think this is unfair"

Me (drinking up another pint) "May be the next time you should try it the other way"

Never saw him again.

Posted by Soul_Man at 8:02 AM
1 Comments

Wednesday March 03, 2004

Clean Joke (in Hindi)

A Sadhu (monk) was traveling by train in India
Tthe ticket checker (TC) was going around doing his job

TC to Sadhu "Baba kahan jaoge?" (Where are you going father?)
Sadhu "Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha." (Where Lord Rama was born, i.e. Ayodhya)
TC "Baba ticket dikhao.." (can I see your rticket?)
Sadhu "Nahin hai...."(don't have it)
TC "To phir chalo" (Then come with me)
Baba "Kahan?"(where)
TC "Jaha Krishan ka janam hua tha" (where Lord Krishna was born, sorry got to know this, he was born when his parents were in captivity)

Received from a friend.

Posted by Soul_Man at 2:15 PM
1 Comments

Friday March 12, 2004

Best Lines I Have Heard (pg Rated)

(reveived in e-mail from a friend)

> The following are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent don't miss the last one.
> Q Are you sexually active?
> A No, I just lie there.
>
> Q What is your date of birth?
> A July 15th.
> Q What year?
> A Every year.
>
> Q What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
> Q This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> A Yes.
> Q And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A I forget.
> Q You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
> forgotten?
>
> Q How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q How long has he lived with you?
> A Forty-five years.
>
> Q What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
> morning?
> A He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q And why did that upset you?
> A My name is Susan.
>
> Q Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
> occult?
> A We both do.
> Q Voodoo?
> A We do.
> Q You do?
> A Yes, voodoo.
>
> Q Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>
> Q The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>
> Q Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> Q So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A Yes.
> Q And what were you doing at that time?
>
> Q She had three children, right?
> A Yes.
> Q How many were boys?
> A None.
> Q Were there any girls?
>
> Q How was your first marriage terminated?
> A By death.
> Q And by whose death was it terminated?
>
> Q Can you describe the individual?
> A He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q Was this a male, or a female?
>
> Q Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
> which I sent to your attorney?
> A No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
> Q Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
> Q All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A Oral.
>
> Q Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A The autopsy started around 830 p.m.
> Q And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>
> Q Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A No.
> Q Did you check for blood pressure?
> A No.
> Q Did you check for breathing?
> A No.
> Q So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
> autopsy?
> A No.
> Q How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
>
>

Posted by Soul_Man at 1:23 AM
2 Comments

Tuesday January 13, 2004

Indian In Usa (pg-Rated)

An Indian student in a disco-bar in USA walks upto a girl and asks "Hey, do you have some Indian in you?"
The girl says "No"
Indian Guy "do you want some?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 11:00 AM
5 Comments

Tuesday January 20, 2004

Politics And The Cows

EuropianUnionism - If you find 3 lost cows, drive the smart one mad, make the ugly one a queen, vote the stupid one to power, no one will miss them.

You have two cows...

Advaniism
You have two cows. You don't milk them. You worship them.

Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them
from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at
your feet.

Karunanidhiism
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your
nephew.

Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattle-feed for them.

Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your
mouth.

Rajivism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.

Vajpayeeism
You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat
cattle-feed.

Clintonism
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbors' cows.

Osamaism
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.

Talibanism
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.

UN-ism
You have two cows. You don't milk them you only lecture to them.

Softwarism
Client has two cows and you need to milk them

1. First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2. Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project
plan)
3. Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4. Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them
(Framework)
5. Then prepare two dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to
client the way in which you will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6. If client is not satisfied then redo step 2
7. You actually start milking them and find that there are few
problem with accessories. (Change framework). Redo step 4
8. At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
9. Make sure that cow milks properly (Testing)
10. Onsite reports that it is not milking there
11. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk
from bulls
12. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
13. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance
Test)
14. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
15. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking
at slow rate (performance issue)
16. Again you slog and send it with good performance
17. Client is happy.
18. But... By this time both the cows aged and can't milk


Posted by Soul_Man at 3:41 AM
1 Comments

Sunday January 18, 2004

Smart Politician

An American senator was very short and it is said that he might have been impotent. Unfortunately a republican politician brought up this latter personal problem during a debate.
To which he replied "Sir the quality of which you are so proud, I agree I am defficient, yet I am grad that a Donkey is far superior than you" that silenced the laughing republicans.

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:32 AM
1 Comments

Tuesday January 20, 2004

Old Joke ( Adult Rated)

International Dairy association arranged a cow milking competition in the largest dairy farm of Wisconsin, USA. Contestants, i.e. the best milkmen, from 221 countries gathered representing their counties.

Everyone was given a big cow, 40 liter bucket, a towel and a stool. The whistle blew and every one started frantically milking the cow. After 2 hours, the Dutch got tired, and carried the bucked for measuring, 15 liters! and everone clapped. after another 10 minutes the Swiss got tired, and brought 22 liters, the American 25 liters, The Dane 35 liters, the excitement was building up among the spectators as they were cheering the those who were still milking. Finally there was only Lallo bhai from India left still milking, after 4 hours and sweat from head to toe, he brought the bucket.
"What after 4 hours you got not even a liter?" Asked one of the judges in astonishment.
"What can I do, the bastards gave me a bull"

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:37 AM
2 Comments

Wednesday January 21, 2004

Hot Food

An american was invited to an Indian friend's house for dinner. They drank and ate a lot, but the food was very hot,so the american drank a lot of beer and got a bit drunk. Next day the Indian called up to see if his friend made it home safe
Vijay - Hi John, just calling to see if you are allright.

John -Hey thanks buddy, was a lot of fun yesterday. I am doing just fine except I think the food was a bit too hot for me. I liked it a lot, was really tasty, but this morning when I went to the toilet it was burning.

Vijay - Oh sorry about that, that's why we Indians use a lot of yougurt.
....
....
....
After 15 minutes John called back
John - Hey VJ, you are right, the yogurt really helps, it doesn't burn anymore.
Vijay - It helped you now?
John - oh yes, I found a pound of cold Yogurt in the fridge, and used it all. It feels great now.

"you Indians are sure smart. Now tell me if fruit-yogurt stains comes easily off white underwear"

Posted by Soul_Man at 11:27 AM
5 Comments

Monday February 09, 2004

Adult Joke , Vulgar (true Story)

Bar scene- have you noticed how the pretty girls always take an NSGL (not so good looking, politely put) girl with them? Is is out of sympathy, or to stand out in comparison, or simply for their own protection? Never understood.

Anyway, an Indian guy walks up to a pretty girl and tries to chat her up. Her not so good looking girl- friend intervenes "can't you see we are having a conversation here? why don't you find some guy to talk to?"
The offenden and irritated Indian "What's wrong with you girls, are you lesbians or what?"

NSGL girl-"So, what if we are, just get going"

Indian guy-"Hey I don't mind Lesbians, I will get going now. But when I am back, I hope you two are all clean and ready for the real thing"

The pretty girl laughed out loud, grabbed his hand and went dancing with him, True story.

Posted by Soul_Man at 10:52 PM
1 Comments

Tuesday February 24, 2004

Adult Joke

(received from a friend)
Frequent Traveller
----------------------
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London
removes a card offering sexual services from a
telephone box on Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a
silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of
assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some
missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild
bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace.
What do you think?"

The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but
you have to press 9 first to get an outside line.

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:34 AM
0 Comments

Thursday January 22, 2004

Santa Singh The Great!

This one is about Santa Singhji... who is the English teacher in a school. He is very well renowned teacher, since all his students do very well in exams. One day, the school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the English class. This is what transpires

>Santa Singh " Bolo bachon GADHA ", Students (in chorous) "GADHA ", Santa Singh " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA ", Students (in chorous) "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "

>Santa Singh " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN "

>Students (in chorous) "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MEIN"

>Santa Singh " Bolo bachon GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "

>Students (in chorous) "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"

>By this time the inspector is furious. He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching to students?

>He is supposed to be taking an English class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH?"

>The principal too is shocked, Santa Singh the famous English teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.

>Principal "Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".

>Santa Singh "Yes I was telling all this in class, but I was only teaching the students the spelling of the word "ASSASSINATION"

(Received from a friend)

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:23 AM
3 Comments