Jokes from Lamboo


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Wednesday December 17, 2003

Father-In-Law

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Posted by Lamboo at 4:26 PM
1 Comments

Wednesday December 17, 2003

Strange Dress

One day Billy Bob goes to town wearing nothing but his gun belt and boots.

The sheriff spots him and asks, "What the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

B.B. replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story. Me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.

Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a- cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said we should go up on the hill. So we did.

Up on the hill we started a-kissin' and a- cuddlin'
and then, all of a sudden, Mary Lou up and took off all her clothes and said I should take off mine, too. So I took off all my clothes, 'cept for my gun belt and my boots.

Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and then, for some strange reason she said, "Billy Bob, go to town!"

Posted by Lamboo at 4:16 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday November 25, 2003

The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Posted by Lamboo at 7:19 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday November 25, 2003

Sweatshirts

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Posted by Lamboo at 7:24 PM
1 Comments

Wednesday December 17, 2003

Signing In Bed

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

Posted by Lamboo at 4:07 PM
2 Comments

Wednesday December 17, 2003

Simple Solution

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.

The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon.

Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.

"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."

Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while.

One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"

"Oh, it worked" says Homer.

"Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie'd go back home."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started..."

Posted by Lamboo at 4:10 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday October 21, 2003

Aids

santa Garbhajan singh went for his usual morning walk. At one junction he found a crowd. One man holding a syringe on one hand and the famous actress on the other hand.

He threatens to inject the liquid which contain AIDS virus in to her body unless he is given a ransom of 10 corers of Rupees.

Police men are helplessly watching. At this moment Garbachen rushed to the man and has a fight, he dropped the syringe, Police men arrested him.

On the next day a ceremony is conducted to reward Garbachen.

The chief guest CM of punjab while giving away the reward asked to the Garbachen " We are proud of you How did you show that much of courage even if you are aware of AIDS ?"

Garbachen said "Sir I always wear a condom to avoid AIDS"


Posted by Lamboo at 9:56 PM
0 Comments

Friday September 26, 2003

Indian Blonde Visits America

An indian blonde managed to get a visa and visit
America for the first time in her life.

She goes to a posh hotel, and want to go to the
restroom. She is used to the Indian style potty
and cannot understand the european potty.

As she has a very urgent call of the nature, she
does it in a pany hose, and decides to throw it out
of the window.

Once she is done, she start rotating the pany hose
(as we do using a sling) to throw it out of the window. unfortunately it misses, and splat, all the
substance are in the entire bathrooms walls, ceiling, et all...

She calls the bellboy, and says

"I will give you 50$ for cleaning this..."

the bellboy replies

"I will give you 100$, if you let me know, how you
managed to shit like this"

Posted by Lamboo at 10:41 AM
3 Comments

Tuesday October 21, 2003

Judgment

Then there was the 85 year old woman who found her husband in bed with another woman.

She was so enraged that she dragged him to the balcony of their high-rise apartment and pushed him to his death.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

"Well Your Honour," she replied, "I figured if at 92 he he could make love, he could fly too."

Posted by Lamboo at 9:54 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday October 21, 2003

Treatment

One man went to consult as he is very thin and doesn't grow well after having enough food. After diagnosis doctor said there is a worm inside his stomach it eats everything you eat and the man asked for the treatment.

Doctor prescribed the treatment "From tomorrow onwards when you come to see myself come with a banana and an apple".

The next day he came with a banana and an apple. Doctor told him to eat the banana and insert the apple through his back hole. After one month treatment there is no change except size of the back hole increased so that the apple can be thrown through the hole freely.

He told the doctor " Doctor there is no change in my physical condition after one month of treatment "

Doctor told him "when you come tomorrow come with a banana and a hammer instead of apple".

The next day he came with banana and the hammer. Doctor let the man to eat the banana first and wait for a five minutes while the worm come out from his stomach and told the ill fated patient

"You idiot trying to change my diet , where is my apple??"

At the very moment the doctor thrashed the worm with the hammer and the insect dead.


Posted by Lamboo at 9:58 PM
1 Comments

Sunday November 23, 2003

Mathematics Of Starting A Family

Take a girl
Add a bed to it
Subtract her clothes
Dvide her legs and
start multiplication.

Posted by Lamboo at 5:49 AM
3 Comments

Tuesday October 21, 2003

Banta & Preeto (non-Veg)

There was a couple, Banta and Preeto, going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when suddenly Banta asks Preeto to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and Banta asks her again, 'Open your legs a little wider'.

Preeto does, then he asks again, 'a little wider hun'.

Preeto starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, 'Can you open them just a little wider?'

So she finally yells, 'What are you trying to do get your balls in too?'

Banta says, 'No, I'm trying to get them out.'

Posted by Lamboo at 9:50 PM
0 Comments

Friday October 31, 2003

You Guys Think You Have It Rough? (real Xxx)

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were all sitting
around one day talking about how much there lives
sucked.

The cucumber said "Man my life sucks. Whenever
i get big fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts
me in a salad!"

So the pickle looks up at him and says
"You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar!"

The Penis glared at them both and said "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they

put a rubber tarp over my head,
stick me in a dark room, and
bang my head against a wall
until I throw up and pass out!"

Posted by Lamboo at 10:21 AM
3 Comments

Tuesday October 21, 2003

Aye, Kya Bolti Tu?

Well did you know that the Aati Kya Khandala song's been translated into tons of Indian and other languages... we're not too cool at translating, but this sure seems right...

Hindi
Aye kya bolti tu?
Aye kya main bolun?
Sun Suna
Aati kya Khandala?
Kya karun aakey main khandala?
Ghumenge, phirenge, naachenge,gayenge
aaish karenge aur kya?

Kannada
Aey yen helthiya?
Aey naan yen helhi?
Kelu, Helu,
Barthiya Khandaala?
Yen maadli? Naan bandh Khandaala?
suthona, aliyona, kuniyona,haadona
majanu maadona
Innenu ?

Tamil
Aey yenne sollare?
Aey naan yenne solla?
Kelu, Sollu,
Variya Khandaala?
Yenne panna? Naa vandu Khandala?
suthala, alayala, aadala, paadala
maja pannala
verenna?

Malayalam
Aye yenna pariyunnu?
Aye nyan yenna pariyu?
Keku. pariyu.
Varinno khandala?
Yendu cheyum? Nyaan vannu Khandaala?
karangam, chuttam, paadam, aadam,
maja cheyyam,
verendha ?

Telugu
Aye,ainte chaepphuta vu,
Aye,ainte chaepala,
Vinu,chaeppu
Wastava Khandala....
Yem Chesedhi? vacchi Khandala
thiruguthamu,eguruthamu, aadthaamu, paadthaamu
maja chesthamu
inkemi ?

Konkani
Aye kasan sangta tu?
Aye hav kasan sangu?
Saang Saanga
Yett Ve Khandala?
Kasan koru yevunu hav Khandala?
Ghumya,Phireya,Naachya,Gauya,
maja korya,
ani kasane?

Kashmiri
heey, kya chaakh wannan
heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy
boozwanoo
pakha telle khandala
kya karee weeteth bhe khandala
pherevhey,nachevhey,geevevhey,khevevhey
eesh karav,beyy kya??

Bengali
ei ki bolis tui
ei ki ar boli
son sona
jabi ki khandala
ki kori giye khandala
are, ghurbo phirbo nachbo gaibo
maja korbo ar ki

Marathi
Aye kay tu mhantes?
aye kay me mhanhu?
aikaikav
yetes ka khandala?
kay karu yevon me khandala?
ghumuya, phiruya, gavuya,nachoya,
aish karuya. aankhen kay?

Punjabi
a ke boldi tu
a ke mein bolan
sunh sunha
aande aein khandala
ke karain ae ke mein khandala

Sindhi
Aye cha ti chaven?
aye cha maan chavan?
budhbuhay
achiti cha khandala?
cha kayan achi maan khandala?
ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi,
aaish kandasi, byo cha?

Gujarati
Aye su bole tu?
aye hun su bolu?
sambhadsambhdav
aavechey ke khandala?
su karu aavene khandala?
ghumsu, pharsu, khavsu,peevsu,
aaish karsu. beeju su?

Magahi (BIHARI)
A ki bolahin too,
A kya boliyuow hum,
Sun sunaow
Aaimahi ki khandala
Ki kariaow aake hum khandala
Gumbai Phirbai
aish karbai aur ki,

Sanskrit
Aye balike, twam katham kathisyasi
Aye balakah aham kim kathisyamh
ShrinvasiShrunha
Kim twam khandala agchasyasi
Aham kim kurwasyami khandalayeh
gamisyamiBhramisyami,gaayami, nryuthyami,
maja karishma
kim karishyami ?

English
Aye what do you say?
Aye what should I say?
Listen. Speak on.
Coming to khandala?
What should I do, coming to khandala?
We'll roam, we'll loaf, we'll sing, we'll dance
we"ll freak, baby, what else?

Zambesisad <img src=">African)
Aye, Zwa To Zulu,
Aye, Zwa Ze Zulu,
Wahte, Kaso,
Heliyo To Khandala?
Zwa Kumi, Helithe Khandala?
Himala, Romala, Wahwahla, Infala,
Kumaya Kumana,
Ni Zwa?

Chinese
Ain, Chon Zuan Ho?
Ain, Chon Hee Zuano?
Sui, Suion,
Hyuan Chon Khandala?
Chon Tsuani Hyui Hee Khandala?
Chijuan, Kajuan, Marijuan, Siuan,
Samshuan Tsuaniya
Tsu Chon?

Russian
Aeich, Kov Speache niv?
Aeich, Kov miv Speache?
Nuushev, Nuusheva,
Comeva Kov Khandala?
Kov Sheychev Comov miv Khandala?
Rotiv, Rotrach, Balleva, Opereacha,
Enjova Sheychevin,
Kov Gobraich?

Posted by Lamboo at 9:45 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2003

Horses At The Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Posted by Lamboo at 12:14 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday September 09, 2003

Giving Cats Pills

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

Posted by Lamboo at 12:15 PM
1 Comments

Friday August 08, 2003

The Produce Boy

There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the localmarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boysaid he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into theback and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half ahead of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy theother half..."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the managercalled on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of troubleearlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself outof it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are youfrom son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockeyplayers up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"


Posted by Lamboo at 7:17 AM
16 Comments

Friday August 08, 2003

What Are All Those Marks On That Table?

A man went into an empty bar and ordered a beer. As he waswalking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some linesmarked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there wereinitials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on thattable?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks,stretch them as far as they can and mark a line."

Our hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he could beatall the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go.

"Sure," was the reply.

He pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3." He startedto mark his line down when the bartender said, "No, Mate, thelocals start from the other side!"

Posted by Lamboo at 7:20 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 11, 2003

Oh My God!

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

Posted by Lamboo at 12:45 AM
1 Comments

Friday June 27, 2003

Telecommunication Wonder

In order to develop friendly relationship between
the two Rival countries, Vajpayee and Mushraff decided to visit eachother's country regularly.

The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan.There Mushraff showed him Pakistan's modernTelecommunication systems. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to
Rajiv Gandhi in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes. The bill for the call came to only US 1.

When Vajpayee came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems to be at the best when Mushraff visited India, suitablearrangements were
made.

Mushraff came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Adolf Hitler in hell for 5 minutes.But this time, the bill was US 500.

Mushraff asked with a sarcastic smile "Ha Ha Ha....Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India ?"

A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply

"From India to hell, it is long distance, Sir, while from Pakistan it is a local call!"

Posted by Lamboo at 10:40 PM
1 Comments

Friday August 08, 2003

The Doctors Visit

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him tothe psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried.

When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desiredone. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.

Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

Posted by Lamboo at 7:16 AM
0 Comments

Friday August 08, 2003

Shocked And Stunned

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a fewminutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfectorder. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anythinglike this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, whatcame over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Johny spoke up and said,"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and foundus quiet, you would drop dead."

Posted by Lamboo at 7:17 AM
0 Comments