Jokes from Soul_Man


About Soul_Man

Dr. Ranbir Sinha is Indian living abroad since 1981. His interests range from environment-protection to social-development, singing to scientific research, traveling to meditation.

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Latest Jokes by Soul_Man





Tuesday December 30, 2003

Amazing Old Man (a-Rated)

(copied from my calssmates group)
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied."I got my
21-year-old bride pregnant & she delivered our child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment,then said,
"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But one day, he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly spots a lion in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead
in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.
Someone else must have shot that lion." . . .

"Exactly" Said the Doc.

Posted by Soul_Man at 2:38 PM
1 Comments

Sunday November 09, 2003

A True Incident

When I first came to Europe, I had trouble pronouncing some German sounds, for example Sechs (six) which is to be pronounced as if you are going to cough out while pronouncing SEX. and if you don't cough out it will be misunderstood to be sex.

I had to mail six letters, so walked upto the counter to order 6 stamps, to fing there was an old lady at the counter. I became very self-concious knowing that I will be misunderstood.
So my Indian brain quickly found a solution around it. I said in German "Bitte geben Sie mir eine Marke"(please give me a stamp) after she gave me one I said "Geben Sie noch fünf bitte" Give me 5 more. From the looks she gave me I knew that I was taken as stupid but not a pervert. happy <img src=">

Posted by Soul_Man at 12:48 PM
3 Comments

Friday August 22, 2003

Disgusting Joke! (don't Read After Your Meal)

Two buddies went hunting. After a while one had to go for a dump. When he returned his buddy asked "Hey how did you wipe yourself, I thought we forgot the toilet paper!"
" Yeah I know, but I ain't no dummy. I used a dollar" wink wink!

After a while the second guy had to go to the toilet in the forest. When he returned his hands were really dirty....
The shocked friend asked "Hey what happened, your fingers are full of $hi¦? What did you do?"

"Well I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters"

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:01 PM
0 Comments

Sunday November 02, 2003

Sex In Heaven (r-Rated)

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

"Rose... Rose...."

"Is that you, Douglas?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Douglas, you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Nebraska"

Posted by Soul_Man at 3:12 PM
1 Comments

Sunday November 02, 2003

Kissing A Nun (rated Pg)

A Nun gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
> >
> > "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
> >
> > She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be a Catholic."
> >
> > The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
> >
> > The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
> >
> > He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.
> >
> > "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
> >
> > "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
> >
> > The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

(e-mailed to me by a friend)

Posted by Soul_Man at 1:17 PM
4 Comments

Wednesday September 17, 2003

Living In 2003 - Clean And Simple

Living in 2003 (I just found it on the net)

You know you're living in 2003 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses (even then its difficult).

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

15. You are too busy to notice there was no No 9

16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

Have a good day!

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:53 PM
4 Comments

Friday June 13, 2003

The Haunted Car

This happened long ago near Lonavala, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... it's real!

My friend drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the "ghats", his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering.

The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him.

It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking my friend opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes! There is nobody behind the wheel!!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. My friend, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.

Finally, he sees some lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhabba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot, he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through.

A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened. He's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the Cops or find a priest, or what.

But just then two guys (Santa singh & Banta Singh) walk into the dhabba, and one of them points to my friend and says to the other " Oyee Banta, look, that's the jerk that got into the car when we were pushing it."

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:23 PM
0 Comments

Friday June 27, 2003

Oh No, Not Another Blonde!

(received from a friend)

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.

The female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her
purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got
your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license," And handed it to the blonde policewoman.


The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back
to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known that, you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:25 AM
2 Comments

Tuesday June 17, 2003

My Ex-Boss (pg-Rated)

(almost true story)
I told my boss that I never undestand what he says in the meetings. We must always at be at different frequencies. He was very upset with me and started getting loud. Then he suddenly became very slow and understandable when I said "Next meeting I will have to bring a Hewlett-Packard rectum-analyzer for you"

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:34 AM
1 Comments

Wednesday July 02, 2003

2 Clean Jokes (hindi+english)

Joke 1
====

A judge irritated by a lawyer's behavior, admonished him "you are crossing
the limits."
"Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai" roared the lawyer. (Which saala says this? saala can be a swearword)
"How dare you call me saala ? I'll have you charged for contempt of court"
said the judge angrily.
"My lord misunderstood me" replied the lawyer coolly, "I did not call you
saala. All I said was 'kaun sa law aisa kehta hai'... "

Joke 2 (Hindi)
====

Ek baar Manu ne makkhan(butter) kharida
Dukaan se bahar nikal ke ghar ko chala
Thodi hi door jake use kuch yaad aaya, aur woh wapas dukan pe gaya. Usne dukandaar se kaha "mera free wala saman do"
Dukandaar ne kaha "free wala, kaun sa free, aapne to sirf makhan kharida hai"
To Manu bola "arre is makhan ke packet pe likha hai na"
Dukandaar ne pucha "kahan ji, packet pe aap ko kahan se free dikh raha hai"
Manu bola "arre dekho saaf saaf likha hai CHOLESTEROL FREE"

Posted by Soul_Man at 1:24 PM
1 Comments

Friday July 25, 2003

Great Expectations ! (semi Dirty)

(another joke from my classmates group)

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him " This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, The psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." and he refers him to a witch octor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
He throws some powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he's lying in bed with her and says aloud "123" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says,"What did you say that 123 for?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 1:18 PM
1 Comments

Monday July 21, 2003

Nasty Joke

The waiter was bringing the soup, with his finger in it.

Customer - what is this? you can't put your finger in my soup.

Waiter - Well sir, I have a cut on my finger that got infected. So the doctor told me to keep it in something hot

Customer(furious) - Keep it in something hot!! why don't you put it up your A$$?

Waiter - well sir, when I am not carrying soup that's what I do.

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:12 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday June 18, 2003

Really Bad Joke, Adult-Rated

3 women died and went to heaven door. St.Peter (or whoever) let them in and brought them to the Big guy
Big guy - So tell me peter, what have they done in their lives.

St.Peter - this lady here was a very good woman, a faithful wife and a kind mother, also did some good social work.

Big Guy - that's very good, give her the key to the Silver room

St.Peter - this second lady here, was a nun, of strong religious faith in God, always did charity work and great service to the poor.

Big guy - that is really great! Very impressive! Peter, give her the key to the golden room.

St.Peter - this third lady here, Hmmm..., well simply put she slept with every man in the town, everyone called her nymphomaniac.

Big Guy - Peter, just give her the key to my room.

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:53 PM
0 Comments

Thursday June 12, 2003

Pakistani Submarine

Pakistan bought the most advanced submarine from the US and was showing off in the Indian ocean to the extent it headed for India and came within the Indian water. Indian Navy issued warnings, who cares the submarine is 30 meter below the surface and has the most advanced technology. Indian navy sent torpedos and missiles, the Pak-submarine destryed all of them.
The Naval officers got really worried, they had an emergency meeting in an Indian destroyer, all scratching head. A young santa officer said "don't worry I will go there and sink that darn pakisubmarine" got up started putting on SCUBA diving suit...everyone told him "you are crazy, that submarine has a 18inch thick steel wall you can't just blow it up with grenade or something" He just smile got in the water and swam towards the Pak-submarine.

After half an hour he came back. While taking off his suit he told everyone his mission was successful. No one believed but with the help of sonar they did locate the ultra modern Pak-submarine, sunk way at the bottom of Indian ocean. Everyone asked in amazement "how did you do it?" The young santa naval officer said "Simple! I swam underwater to the submarine which was 30meter below the surface, banged at the door and said "Mai Musaraf hun, darwaza kholo (I am Musaraf, open the door)" and swam back quickly!"

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:02 PM
0 Comments

Tuesday June 10, 2003

From An Indian British Tv Series

(From the series Goodness Gracious Me, a must see series)
An Indian man went Golfing for the first time with some British friends in England. Sometime later he had to go to the bathroom, which being a bit far away decided to do it in some sandy area in the Golf court. And then continued playing with the friends.
After about half an hour, the caretaker of the Golf course came over and asked him directly "are you Mr. P.V.Balakrisnan(or whatever)?"
He said "That is right, but how do you know my name?"
Caretaker "Because you wrote it on the sand, sir"
-----------------------------------------------------

Golfer - One who avoids nature-made club & ball and be a man, yet loves man-made ball and club out in the nature.

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:04 PM
1 Comments

Tuesday May 20, 2003

Genie And The Bottle (r-Rated)

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.”

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. An old man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

“Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said.

“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.

Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.

“No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

Posted by Soul_Man at 8:52 AM
8 Comments