Jokes from Soul_Man


About Soul_Man

Dr. Ranbir Sinha is Indian living abroad since 1981. His interests range from environment-protection to social-development, singing to scientific research, traveling to meditation.

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Latest Jokes by Soul_Man





Friday December 21, 2001

It-Student

Two IT-students talking.

One says "last night I brought my date home for the first time"
second " Hmmm, that sounds exciting. what did you do then?"

First "well, We got ourselves a drink, and got cozy"

Second "then what happened?"

First " then we kissed and caressed
, and then I slowly stripped her"

Second " wow, and then?"

First "then I lifted her up and sat her on my table, pushed away everything, threw down the computer on the floor"

Second "was that a Pentium 4 ?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:34 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday December 12, 2001

A Million Dollars

Benjamin was very religious Rabi, everyday he prayer twice "God please give me a million dollars"
He did that for all his life, finally one day, he got frustrated and screamed "I don't believe this, I have been praying to you everyday for last 55 years, and you never listened to me, what is just a million dollars to you, I can't believe you are such a miser"

There came the thundering voice from beyound the clouds "give me a break Benny, you could have at least bought a lottery ticket?

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:44 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday December 12, 2001

Sneezing Granpa

The grandaughter said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze,
you put your hand in front of your mouth, that is very nice."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"




(Source- internet joke of the day)

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:53 AM
0 Comments

Tuesday December 11, 2001

Engineering Student

(a borrowed joke)
A male Engineering Student was returning from his lab late evening. He saw a from on the sidewalk and the frog said "Hey you, if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess"

The student bent down and took a good and long look at the frog to see if it was an electronic toy.

The frog said again "believe me, if you kiss me I will become a beautiful princess, and you can take me home, have me as your girlfriend, I will do everything for you."

The student gently picked the frog up and said "look, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is really cool" and put it in his pocket.

Posted by Soul_Man at 7:25 AM
0 Comments

Sunday October 14, 2001

Watch What You Drink

A man, after having 11 beers, goes to the toilet in the Bar. Kicks the tiolet seat up and takes a leak.
The piss goes a bit down, then straight up, hits the ceiling and falls on his own head. The man screams "damn this light beer!"

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:50 AM
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Friday October 12, 2001

Unbelievable

A man comes into a bar, gets his drink, walks upto another man and says "I can bite my own eye, I will show you if you give me $10"
the other man says "That's nonsense, no one can bite his own eye"
The man takes out his glass eye ball, bites once with his teeth and puts it back in his eye socket. He collects $10 from the fooled man and says "I can bite my other eye too".

"Come on now, you cannot be blind, you can't have two glass eyes, ok I bet you $20"

The man takes out his dentures (false teeth) and bites his other eye with them, and puts them back in his mouth".

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:39 AM
0 Comments

Friday October 05, 2001

Ever Thought?

Q. Why do the moths fly with their legs apart?

A. Have you ever noticed the size of mothballs?
-----------------------------

Q. Where is the male reproductive organ of an elephant located?

A. In his feet, he steps on you and you are fu@%ed.

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:53 AM
0 Comments

Friday September 28, 2001

Quote Of The Day

Ranbir's expert opinion on hi-tech education for Indian Farmers

Ranbir "What do I know about crossing two plants man? I may end up with spinach with marijuana flavor."
.
.
.
Ranbir "if you visit this site and click on this icon, and type in your visa card number, it shows you in Russian language how to grow potatoes at -40 degrees with a genetically modified, extra thick skinned, ultra fat producing, frost resistant US patented seed. Why does a farmer in Jalandhar need to know that?"

(Sorry these are not funny, I wasn't really talking then, it must have been the mexican beans that I ate last night)

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:29 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 26, 2001

My Roommate

Many years ago my roommate(sorry B. I could not resist I have to tell this, hope your wife does not mind) who was very shy and extremely polite, once early in the morning told us that he had a dream and there was a woman in his dream.
We asked "Hey what did she look like?"
He replied "I could not see well, I had forgotton my glasses"

A year later Johnny Carson used similar joke in his show.

Posted by Soul_Man at 9:36 AM
0 Comments

Monday September 24, 2001

Cultural Difference

(I am sure you know that USA is 210 times bigger than Switzerland, well I didn't know that, until I moved from USA to Switzerland)

An American Farmer visiting Switzerland for the first time asked a swiss farmer, "so how much land da ya own, man?"

Swiss farmer "You see that pole there, from there to that other pole. And how much land do you have? If I may ask? (Swiss farmers are very polite)

American Farmer "Let me put it this way, I get up at 5 in the morning, drive my tractor all day, in the evening I am close to the boundary of my land"

Swiss Farmer "I can understand that, once I had a tractor like that too"

Posted by Soul_Man at 6:34 PM
0 Comments

Saturday September 22, 2001

Bush And Clinton

(My boss told me this joke!)
Bush went to hell. The Devil gave him a tour of the Presidential ward.
In one room Nixon was cleaning the chimney dirt, fith,hot ash and narrow passage made him look terrible

Bush "Dear Devil, I am too old to do that"

In the other room Regan was breaking a huge rock in to pieces with hammer and chisel, making the Devils statue

Bush " Oh no, I have a bad back, I can't do this"

In the third room Clinton was standing in the middle and Monica kneeling on the floor, they were doing what they do the best.

Bush " ya, that is something I can handle"



Devil "Ok you are fired, Monica"

Posted by Soul_Man at 12:19 PM
0 Comments

Friday September 21, 2001

Who Says Engineers Aren't Funny?

It happened today. We were going down for a coffee break. My officemate Matteo, an Italian guy was onmy left side, Eric a french engineer was on my right side.
I said "we are the best team, you are SUPER, Eric is DUPER and I am the GENIUS."
Matteo replied " I am not super I am a BALL, and so is Eric, what are you then?"

A German guy Joachim walking behind us said "no Ranbir is too small for that"
I snapped " oh ya, try rubbing my back!"

Posted by Soul_Man at 8:36 AM
0 Comments

Wednesday September 19, 2001

Creative English

Indian English
--------------
A dehati female went for a job interview
for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the woman's
colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair,
his mind was screaming " NOT THIS WOMAN". Nevertheless, he still had
to entertain the mallu. So he told her" If you could form a sentence
using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a
chance!, The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE,WHITE, PURPLE and
BLACK."
>
The enthusiastic woman thought for a while and said
"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the
phone, I say YELLOW....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong
number.......Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK,
Yokeeyy? Thank You.
>The Manager fainted!!!
>

Posted by Soul_Man at 10:50 AM
0 Comments

Thursday September 13, 2001

Who Needs A Man?

(Not my Joke!)
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing
through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so
glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never
says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and
anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal
weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less
about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as
you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you
warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get
a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care
how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth
hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!




On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores
you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all
over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all
day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...

Get a CAT!

Other than the dog and cat mentioned here, women have 4 favourite animals.
1. A mink in the closet
2. A jaguar in the garage
3. A tiger in bed
4. An ass to pay for it all

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:01 AM
0 Comments

Saturday September 08, 2001

Dirty Joke 1002

Don't eat Beef!
---------------
An Indian came to New York. Walked around and saw a lot of things. For lunch he went to a restaurant, but he found that everything on the menu had beef in it. So he decided to go to another restaurant, and faced the same problem. In the evening he was so hungry that he could not walk anymore. So he went to the closest fast food restaurant and to his surprise they had hot-dog. He thought to himself, dogs are probably ok, it is not against the religion. So he ordered hot-dog. The young woman said " It will take a couple of minutes, why don't you take a seat,I will bring it to you."
The man was sitting at the closest table, and his mouth was watering just thinking about the chunky dog meat with extra hot curry sauce, and may be a few pieces of Potatos.
When the girl brought his food, he cried "Oh please, give me some other part of the dog".

Posted by Soul_Man at 2:00 PM
0 Comments

Saturday September 08, 2001

Dirty Joke 1001

Martians
---------
A couple from the earth went to the Mars. Martians are extremely hightech, sophisticated and surprisingly friendly people/creatures. A Martian couple flew the terrestial couple around their cities and showed them around. Everything was amazing, they are truely far ahead of us. In the evening, they stopped by at a shopping mall, and said "just a minute we will get a baby". They put in a card in a vending machine, put their palms on the gene scanner window, pressed a few buttons and their was a baby martian. "Unbelievable how you guys make the baby" screamed the human couple. "Why how do you guys do it?".
Human couple "Well it is very different and complicated, and difficult to explain"
Martians "we are very interested, would you show us then?"
They thought, well these guys are not really humans, and they are not going to tell any of their relatives or friends plus they have been so friendly and generous, why not? "yes we can show you"
Martians" Alright tomorrow at 5."

They were picked up by the Martians at 10 to 5 and brought to a hall with 5000 Martians expectators and intra-planetory TV. The couple was shocked but said "what the heck? just ignore their presence" and went on to the stage and did their best performance ever, the noise, the sweat, the moaning, the quick breath and the final scream and collapse, everything to the perfection
Very proud of their performance they asked "So now you get it? And how did did you guys like it Hmmm?
" Is that it? Where is the baby?" They were very disappointed.
"the baby will come after 9 months?"
"Nine months? Then what was that big rush you displayed towards the end?

Posted by Soul_Man at 1:59 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 03, 2001

Great Idea

A small country was in deep financial trouble. The prime minister called all the ministers for a brain storming session. After many ideas were brought up, one said "I got it, Let's have a war with USA, we will loose and then they will give us a lot of money to rebuild the country, just like Germany and Japan"
Everyone jumped up and down in joy, kissed the man, picked him up on the shoulder and danced around. Suddenly the prime misnister shouted, "Quite! I say Quite!" there was a silence, as he continued "What if we win?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:54 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 03, 2001

On The Toilet Wall

Once I read this at the toilet wall at the U.

"What do you call a 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?"

A good start!

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:28 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 03, 2001

Laughing Donkey

A man entered the bar and saw, inside there was a dokey with a sign thar read " If you can make this dokey laugh, I'll give you 10 dollars- the bar tender"

He took the donkey to a dark corner, bent down close to his face. The donkey cracked up laughing " Ha Ha Ha Hion Hion Ha Ha! rolling on the floor.
Everybody in the bar was shocked, the bar tender gave him $10 and said "Ok if you can make him cry I will give you 20bucks"
He took the donkey to the dank corner bent down close to his face, and guess what the donkey collapled on the floor and cried out loud with tears rolling down.
Everyone got up and said what did you do? what did you do?
The man first collected his $20, then said "Well first I told him mine is bigger than his, and he laught, Then I showed him"

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:20 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 03, 2001

Getting Into Shape

A man decided to get into shape. He got up early morning, jogged around the lake, and started doing push ups. A drunk old man returning home came up to him, tapped on his shoulder with his stick and said, "son, if you open your eyes, you will find that your girl is long gone"

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:51 PM
0 Comments

Monday September 03, 2001

What Is My Age?

A budhdhu some how became school inspector of Calcutta. One day he came to a school for inspection. All teachers were afraid, and made Krishna, the naughty boy, sit way in the back. The inpector entered the class room and said " let me test, if you guys are learning math well. London is 3000 miles from here, so what is my age?"
No body knew the answer, not even the teachers. So the naughty boy krishna got up and Said "40, you are 40 years old"
The inspector "That is correct, how did you calculate?"
Krishna said "very simple, I have an uncle who is half mad, he is 20"

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:44 PM
0 Comments

Sunday September 02, 2001

Doctor

Originally by Issac Ashimov

In an Indian (Jewish) semi-formal social event there are many new faces, so name tags have been supplied. Some mothers are checking out young men for their elligible daughters.

Lady " Let me see your name, Oh. Dr. Kumar. That is nice, very nice. Now tell me son, are you a real doctor or just a Ph.D.?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 5:40 PM
0 Comments

Saturday September 01, 2001

One Liner 001

My wife ran away with my best friend, and I have no one to go fishing with.

Man returning from business trip finds his best friend in bed with his wife, and screams "John, I am married to this woman, so I have to, Why you?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 6:19 PM
0 Comments

Wednesday August 29, 2001

God, Devil, Engineers And Lawyers

(It is a borrowed joke)

An engineer died in an accident and went to Hell. It was hot, Noisy, .... No fun
He makes large soung barriers, Air conditioners ..., Amusement parks with roller coaster rides. Wow, everything changed.

God saw the devil one day and asked

"How is it going in your hell?"
Devil "Superb! couldn't be better. We got this bright young engineer. He has changed everything Now it is far better than your heaven"

God" Hey, that engineer shouldn't be in the hell. There must have been a mistake. He belongs to me in heaven. Give him back, right now!"

Devil "get lost, I am keeping him"

God " I will sue you"

Devil" Oh yeah! and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 10:07 PM
0 Comments

Sunday August 26, 2001

Jungle Man

An Eropean priest went to Africa with his chelas to `preach christianity to the native tribe. Oneday a tribal man was showing him the area around on a raft.
Priest thought he should teach him some english, so pointed to a bird and said "Bird"
Tribalman copied "BAARRRD"
after a while the priest pointed to a monkey
Priest "Monkey"
Tribalman " ManKi"

after a while the priest saw on the riverbank one of his male students was lying on top of a native woman and doing something to ,
The priest said "oh that is called
, Bike riding"
The thribesman picked up his bow and poisonarrow and shot the man on the riverbank.
The priest sreamed "why did you do that, you stupid, primitive, hopeless, jungleman?
Tribal man "my bike"

Posted by Soul_Man at 6:26 PM
0 Comments

Friday August 24, 2001

Engineers

Heard it today! got to share it.

A priest, a doctor and an engineer went to play golf. They had to wait for a group of people that were taking for ever. They asked the golf court care taker what was wrong.
Caretaker " They are a group of fire fighters, while putting out the fire in this town they became blind. We we let them play here for free"
Priest " That is so sad, let me pray for them"
Doctor " I will see what I can do for them, operation .... may be some of them can slowly get their sight ..."
Engineer "Why can't they play at night?"

Posted by Soul_Man at 4:00 PM
0 Comments